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The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Continue Reading

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Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.

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Posted in Sports Events, War Zone1 Comment

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Continue Reading

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So Long, Farewell, Adieu: The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too

So Long, Farewell, Adieu: The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too

Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven’t decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Continue Reading

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Mean Colts Getting Fans’ Hopes Up Again

Mean Colts Getting Fans’ Hopes Up Again

INDIANAPOLIS – In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts – known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead – roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor. Continue Reading

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Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

LAS VEGAS – The world of racing is left to reflect after a multiple-car crash in Las Vegas killed famed driver Dan Wheldon and left his racing vehicle in a “serious condition.”

The accident involved 15 other drivers, whose vehicles are said to be in stable conditions.

Former 2-time Indy 500 winner Wheldon was later pronounced dead in hospital, while his racing car is fighting for its life after suffering multiple injuries, including 3 ruptured tires, a dislocated steering wheel and a damaged suspension. IndyCar servicemen have transported it to an engineering plant, where its progress is “being monitored”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Events5 Comments

Hurricane Sandy Was God’s Attempt To Hang In With Occupy Folks

Hurricane Sandy Was God’s Attempt To Hang In With Occupy Folks

Intrepid Reuters news reporters have uncovered that the immense Hurricane Sandy, so huge that it was dubbed ‘The Perfect Storm’, was actually a fabricated event. It appears that God created the mega storm for what to our eyes was a epochal effort to join the Occupy Wall Street movement by attempting to shut down Wall Street for good.

The Hurricane hitting Manhattan successfully closed down the world’s major financial area for two days, something that the Occupy Movement never managed to pull off for even a day. Continue Reading

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Victory a Result of Man Shouting ‘Go Colts’ at TV

Victory a Result of Man Shouting ‘Go Colts’ at TV

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against the Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled “go Colts” at his television screen throughout the 3-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team’s considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess. Continue Reading

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Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Somewhere- The baseball post season is starting despite weak attendance and poor ratings. Team owners and players insist people still care, even with the lack of attention.

Some teams are playing in some places for the World Series. Recently, Major League Baseball executives ,assuming they knew what fans wanted, opened up the post-season so half of all MLB teams could compete for their shot at the pennant. Continue Reading

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NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

In a move that surprised few, the broadcast rights for the 2013-2015 seasons of the National Football League (NFL) have been sold to a non-television entity. What was a surprise, however, is that the broadcast rights have been sold to Twitter.

“We think this is a natural progression,” said Twitter New Media developer Jacob Brittany with a smirk. “People only want the highlights anyway, so why not Twitter?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Television2 Comments

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

This week, GlossyNews.com sat down with former gymnast and Olympic gold medalist, Mary Lou Retton to get her thoughts on a variety of issues ahead of the Olympics in London. Here’s how it all went down.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Welcome, Mary Lou. The image of you smiling with immense joy at the 1984 Olympics is indelibly etched in American Olympic folklore. Take us back to that day when you famously took the gold medal in the All-Around Gymnastics final. What was going through your mind?

RIGHT: Image courtesy of The Indy Tribune. (click to enlarge)

MARY LOU RETTON: I was trying to tune everything out, to focus on my upcoming vault. But I had the worst wedgie ever. Have you ever worn a leotard? It’s pretty hard to keep it out of your ass, especially when you’re flipping around and twisting and leaping through the air and whatnot. So there I was, 16 years old, with all those cameras on me. The whole world was watching to see if I would make history as the first American woman to take gold in the All-Arounds, and all I could think was, “How can I discretely pick my wedgie?”

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: But… but you seemed so happy at the time?

MARY LOU RETTON: Well, I added an extra twist to that first vault, and the wedgie worked its way out. I was very relieved.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: So having overcome the wedgie and having landed not one, but two perfect vaults, you became the first American to win the Olympic title in the All-Around event. Where in the Retton household does the gold medal reside to this day? Katrina, in Fort Wayne posed that question on our Twitter page.

MARY LOU RETTON: I keep my medals in my underwear drawer. A lot of people are surprised to hear that, but really, ask any woman, we hide all our important stuff in our underwear drawer.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Perhaps I’d better change the subject. A lot has been made in recent years about the role of performance-enhancing drugs in the world of sport, particularly in Olympic sports. Have the IOC’s drug tests worked to eliminate illegal drug use, or do you think more can be done at the grassroots level?

MARY LOU RETTON: Every athlete should know how to pass a drug test. If you haven’t figured out how to get around those tests, then you don’t deserve to be competing at the Olympic level. That said, you don’t hear of too many gymnasts testing positive for illegal substances. We’re tiny, but we can crush your skull with our thighs, so no one at the IOC really wants to mess with us.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Now, at the height of your fame, you were voted Sports Illustrated’s Sportswoman of the Year and became the first official spokeswoman for Wheaties. A lot of young people getting their big break in televised sports have a lot of weight on their shoulders. What advice would you give to any up-and-coming athlete about handling the pressure?

MARY LOU RETTON: These kids know nothing about pressure. Try going on television in those leotards before Brazilians came into fashion, okay? That is pressure. These gymnasts have no idea how easy they have it.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: And what about these days? Even though it is almost 28 years since your historic success in Los Angeles, you still remain a household name within the world of gymnastics. As a frequent commentator on indoor gymnastics, do you see a little bit of yourself in the gymnasts of today?

MARY LOU RETTON: No.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Mary Lou, thank you.

Article was co-written by Laurence Brown.

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