A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.
According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.
“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”.
“We wanted to be in the right frame of mind when the Broncos annihilated the SeaHawks in the most undignified manner possible.”
By all accounts, Higby had consumed a massive amount of alcohol and epic number of bong hits by the time the Broncos snapped the ball out of end zone with 14:48 left in the first quarter.
“We knew something was wrong when Higby jumped up with his hands in the air and screamed, ‘SCORE’!” said another disaster witness. “Like he thought the Broncos scored a touchdown or something.”
In an effort to shake off the embarrassing spectacle on television as well as in their own living room, the extinction observers hastily self-medicated with another round of bongs hits. These were estimated to have been completed shortly before the 31-yard Seattle field goal with 10:21 left. In the first quarter.
“We saw Percy Harvin go in motion for a quick hand off from Russell Wilson and run right past Terrance for 30 freaking yards! But we really didn’t know what the hell was going on until Seattle popped three more points on the board. My first reaction was ‘Holy Crap, is it third quarter already?'”
Apparently none of the other party goers even noticed that Higby had slipped into the netherworld in his chair, a mere comatose shell of his normal drooling, drunken self. Only after the Superbowl was over did it become apparent that Higby was unresponsive. In fact, all in attendance had seem him in this condition before, so no one panicked until Higby failed to show up for work by Wednesday.
“It was kind of strange for him not to show up for pay day,” said a co-worker, who was not at the Superbowl event. “Sure, he’d miss Monday, maybe even Tuesday. But never Wednesday. We get paid on Wednesday. So I knew he was either dead or in jail. Probably dead.”
Friends of Higby rushed to his home to discover him in exactly the same position they’d left him in three days ago
and rushed him to the hospital. Upon waking earlier today he immediately asked how big an “ass whooping” the Broncos inflicted on Seattle.
“How are we going to break it to him?’ lamented one friend. “They’ve got him sedated and convinced he doesn’t really want to know. But he’s going to watch it eventually. And when he sees Demaryius Thomas get the ball jarred out of his hands by Byron Maxwell at the Seattle 21 and Smith recovering, he’s just gonna die!”