Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make a speedy recovery.
“His recuperation defies the laws of medicine and the capabilities of the human body. It demonstrates the healing power that this once complimentary item with the purchase of any entrée has and how much we still have to learn about them.” Said Tiger’s former Coach, Hank Haney, while watching an overjoyed Woods swing his club through a breaded ball, sending it almost seven feet into the air and into a pit of hot butter and garlic.
Tiger was fortunate to obtain the breadsticks for the customized clubs with amazing healing powers as the last remaining Olive Garden recently perished, making Tiger’s unique set worth upwards of $11,000,000,000.
Meanwhile, environmentalists from all over the world have expressed their dissatisfaction of Woods using the last known specimens in such a selfish manner. “The man is an absolute monster!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A). “These rare fossils should be in a museum so they can be observed and admired by those who never had the chance to experience them in their natural habitat,” added an infuriated Bahkedfriesh.
Tiger’s fans could not be happier as are the directors of the Masters Tournament, who are grateful to have the 14-time major champion and publicity all-star back in the mix. The tournament begins this Monday, April 7th in Augusta, Georgia.