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Crocodile Eats 75 Villagers in Remote Kenyan Park

Crocodile Eats 75 Villagers in Remote Kenyan Park

Bwanna, Kenya – (SatireWorld.com)

Game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village it decimated during an evening celebration. The reptile is being reported as the ‘world’s largest crocodile.’

First reports claimed upwards of 50 native villagers were eaten, but game warden Benji Wonamoto said the final body count was 75 and maybe more. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News2 Comments

Time Indeed Flies, Airlines Unhappy

Time Indeed Flies, Airlines Unhappy

Reports that several people witnessed Time ‘flying’ have caused panic in the air-safety conscious offices of commercial airlines.

In a press release addressed to all governments and signed by all major airline unions, it has been stated that, if the sightings are true, if Time is allowed to fly without proper air clearance and regulation all airlines will ground their planes in strike.

The statement also snapped bitterly at Time, implying that the flaunting of flying time was a deliberate aggravation of the airlines pre-existent difficulties with Time.

“All airline companies have had an inability to keep a grasp on Time, often sighting that it has deliberately skipped forward three hours so that they are inundated with complaints from passengers saying their flight has been ‘delayed’. When in reality the plane has been right there on the tarmac ready for take off the whole time.” said Dr Jon Henderson who has a PHD in Time-Airline Relations (TAR).

The hastily written statement comes after several witnesses where having a fun night out in a local bar at approximately 7:35pm. Amy, 29, told us “…I checked my watch and it said 7:40pm and then when I checked again it was 9:56pm. I showed my friend Alison and by the time she looked it was 11:38pm! I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Another witness at the scene told us he saw it in the sky ‘whizzing’ passed and felt a little ‘giddy’, “I had such a great night and for Time to fly passed was such an amazing feeling, like a whirlwind of laughing and drinking.”

Dr Hendeson speculated that the airlines are concerned about how the Time flights made people feel and that they can be enjoyed for free “…having not been able to replicate any sort of happiness within their companies, it’s tough competition for them.”

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Posted in Travel3 Comments

Mount Rushmore Expansion Opens This Weekend

Mount Rushmore Expansion Opens This Weekend

National Park Service Bulletin-(SatireWorld.com) – The Department of the Interior has rolled out its first big celebration in many years as they officiate the opening of America’s first new national park in almost 40 years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Travel0 Comments

Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce cancellations, at least in the short term.

Investment giant Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s Gordon Gekko summed up the challenges ahead for the cruise lines. Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, Travel0 Comments

Oceanic Airline to Charge for Existential Angst

Oceanic Airline to Charge for Existential Angst

Los Angeles – GlossyNews.com – Oceanic Airlines has announced plans to institute a surcharge ranging from $5.00 to $57.50 for passengers transporting books which exhibit existential angst, says company spokesperson Macine Galvertson.

“In the future a hefty surcharge will be levied upon those passengers transporting heavy works of philosophy on board our airplanes,” she says. “In particular, passengers bringing onboard works of extreme existential angst will be subject to surcharges, the exact amount depending upon the particular philosophical work in question.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Television, Travel0 Comments

Park Rangers and Bears in Cahoots Against Denali Park Hikers

Park Rangers and Bears in Cahoots Against Denali Park Hikers

For those wishing to explore the back country of Denali National Park in Alaska, one of the requirements that park rangers insist upon is that avid hikers pack their food in a bear-proof container. Unfortunately, this small, barrel-shaped container also proves itself to be human proof if you don’t carry a screwdriver with you to open it.

Does anyone see the problem with this? Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel5 Comments

Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Nuevo Laredo, Mexico – GlossyNews.com – The Nuevo Laredo Tourist Department (NLTD) has announced its newest tourist attraction, the Narco-Terrorism Tour for Gringos, which is to be launched August 10 from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

“This exciting adventure will appeal to many rich gringos, we think,” enthuses Alberto X. Rodriguez, deputy chief of the NLTD. “For just ten thousand American dollars you can visit Mexico’s border regions and towns where even la policia won’t go. And we’re sure Americans will be safe the whole time and not be shot or kidnapped.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Travel0 Comments

Study: Careless Driving Deemed Perfectly Safe

Study: Careless Driving Deemed Perfectly Safe

Here’s a little guide to help ensure that you’re driving like the rest of America.

DON’T BE AWARE!

While driving, keep in mind that everyone else on the road should be looking out for you. Therefore, there is no reason for you to be aware of your surroundings. A perfect example of this would be not checking your blind spot when trying to change lanes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Travel0 Comments

Airports to Employ Eunuchs for Enhanced-Invasive Screening

Airports to Employ Eunuchs for Enhanced-Invasive Screening

New York – GlossyNews.com – According to informed sources the government has come up with an imaginative solution to the problem of invasive image scanning at airports.

Many travelers, especially women, have complained about the fact that the new scanning technology in effect showed them naked to the TSA screening attendant. And they have been equally unhappy about the alternative, being “patted-down.” Continue Reading

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Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Travel0 Comments

Israeli Cruise Ship Sinks After Striking Floating Goldberg

Israeli Cruise Ship Sinks After Striking Floating Goldberg

Tel Aviv, IA -(Glossy News) Mourners filled the office of Zion Shipping Lines after news of the first Israeli cruise ship, the Moe Weiner, was reported foundering in rough waters in Lake Champaine in upstate New York.

According to several eyewitnesses, the Moe Weiner hit a partially submerged object. Later identified as a possible Golberg, the heavily laden cruise ship began sinking almost immediately. Continue Reading

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U.S. Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies

U.S. Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies

Fans of brains everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print guide to fine brain dining wherever you may be in the US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark, moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available throughout this great land.

They have experimented with cranial delicacies from the intellectuals of New York to the trailer trash of Alabama. Here is a portion of the guide to whet your appetite for mental munchies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Travel3 Comments

TSA Anger Leads Nudist Airlines to Growth, Uprising

TSA Anger Leads Nudist Airlines to Growth, Uprising

Nature Air CEO Calvin Klavan is quick to tell reporters he doesn’t like the term ‘nudist.’ “We’re not nudists; we’re naturists. When you cloth-backs go to the zoo, do you marvel at the ‘nude’ animals? No, of course you don’t. Yes, we’re a damned profitable business. But first and foremost we’re a movement whose time has arrived.”

He spoke to Glossy News this week from Nature Air’s Vista Verdad, AZ corporate offices, about the fledgling carrier’s stunning recent success. Continue Reading

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TSA Groping Incident Attracts New Employees to Agency

TSA Groping Incident Attracts New Employees to Agency

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Glossy News) — Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Travel1 Comment

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.

The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Travel2 Comments

Do Canadians Really Exist?

Do Canadians Really Exist?

Do Canadians really exist? Yes, that is my question. Is there really such a whimsical folk who believe in such things as mounted police wearing red uniforms and modified cowboy hats, water wells with hand pumps, pancakes made with milk fresh from the cow, and wood burning stoves? Or are they, like so many other famous creatures, folks and fairies of legend simply a product of someone’s over-inventive fantasy? Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Travel2 Comments

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