Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

Atlanta, GA – Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Royal Caribbean Public Relations Director Nora Salmon said “This is a win-win for Royal Caribe, the CDC and octagenarians worldwide. Royal Caribbean gets a pass on burdensome health regulations while avoiding damaging press reports when the occasional norovirus breaks out.” Read more Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC


New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

Delaware based brewery Dogfish Head has released the newest in its Ancient Ale Series to mixed reviews. Dogfish Head first re-created Midas Touch from residue found on 2700 year old pottery fragments discovered in a tomb in Turkey.

And after extensive testing to determine the ingredients, all indications are that this brew is likely what killed the guy. Read more New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

Share Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole

NP-40 DRIFTING ICE STATION, NORTH POLE — Travel-discount website recently launched a new promotional package featuring an all-inclusive, tropical vacation to the North Pole, sources report.

According to the website’s homepage, the promotional package offers a six day, five night stay in “the world’s newest tropical paradise.” Read more Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole


TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger

In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.

“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.

“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.” Continue reading


Child Dodges Trip to National Park

Eleven-year-old Ted Ews has narrowly avoided having to go on a Sunday outing with his family to Big Bend National Park, in Texas.

“No,” he shouted, stomping his foot, when his father, Barry, first voiced the idea during dinner the night before. “No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”

Fortunately, a government shutdown closed the park the next day, making the trip impossible.

“It’s so sad,” said his mother, Elizabeth, while the family sat down for breakfast. Read more Child Dodges Trip to National Park


Indiana Fails to Make Top 50 ‘Most Interesting States In the Union’

INDIANAPOLIS – Following a year-long study by the United States Census Bureau, the state of Indiana found itself just missing out on a top fifty position in a list of the most interesting states in the union Saturday.

Despite having hosted the Superbowl earlier this year, the Hoosier State – which boasts hundreds of miles of eye-catching cornfields in any direction, as well as approximately 1,200 dilapidated barn-houses statewide – placed 51st. Read more Indiana Fails to Make Top 50 ‘Most Interesting States In the Union’


Delta Passenger Relieved Pilot Named Wendell

THE SKY—While onboard Delta flight 326 field sales representative and coach passenger Herman Adler reported the fact that he experienced a feeling of relief upon learning that the pilot’s name was Wendell.

“Sounds like a level-headed guy,” said Adler.

Adler went on to discuss the comfort he took in knowing the plane he was traveling in was piloted by someone named Wendell. Read more Delta Passenger Relieved Pilot Named Wendell


Welcome to Seattle – The Land the Sun Forgot

Excellent holiday pictures can be taken using a 16 megapixel Nikon digital camera.

[This message brought to you by the Greater Seattle Tourist Information Bureau.]

Greetings, visitor. Welcome to Seattle. If this is your first time to the Emerald City, we’d like to share some fun facts about our great city to help you plan your trip. Read more Welcome to Seattle – The Land the Sun Forgot


A Return to Australian Animals from Hell

This is the second in a series of two wonderful articles about horrible, vicious, dangerous, hideous, disgusting Australian animals that for some reason contain no mention of Rupert Murdoch.

(Note to reader, this article does not contain information about horrible, vicious Australians, although many consider them to be in the category of animals as well. Read more A Return to Australian Animals from Hell


Spring Break Jokes

With warmer weather approaching and Spring Break right around the corner, Glossy News has decided, against our normal routine, to share some jokes.

Normally we structure some sort of premise then jam all the jokes in around it, but sometimes it’s just easier this way.

Why do Spring Breakers not like blond jokes?
They always have to find a blond to explain them.

Did you hear about the Spring Breaker who had a brain bruise?
He sat down too hard.

Why does Bud beer always sell so well at Spring Break?
Spring breakers can’t pronounce Heinekin.

Did you hear about the special type of DUI that the police issue at Spring Break?
Driving Under the Intelligence level.

Why do Spring Breakers always run around naked?
They haven’t figured out how buttons and zippers work yet.

What do you call twins on Spring Break?
A good reason for legalizing abortions.

Why do Spring Breakers use snowboards that are rounded at both ends?
Because they don’t know if they are coming or going.

How do you tell the difference between a regular tourist and a Spring Breaker?
A regular tourist will not be found in the morning upside down stoned in a trash can with his pants missing and one of his socks over his genitals (usually).

How does a female college student explain to her dad that she is pregnant four months after coming home from Spring Break?
“He told me it was a condom. How was I to know it was the plastic bag from the wine bottle?”

Why do college students drink so much at Spring Break?
They find that diminished brain cells help lessen the blow of failing out of school.

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NOTE – To those wishing to comment- Yes, I know this is not an article. Just take it for what it is and we will all be a lot happier and maybe have a chuckle.


State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth

The State Department has issued a warning for people traveling throughout Terra Firma and surrounding bodies of water.

The warning came after officials at the Bureau of Consular Affairs identified explicit dangers in the 196,939,900 square-mile area, ranging from excessive rates of murder and sexual violence, political unrest, terrorism, economic and social instability, to threats of infectious disease and increased chance of natural disasters including hurricanes, floods and radioactive tsunamis. Read more State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth


‘Over 150 Survivors Were Trapped Inside The Titanic For Up To 5 Years,’ Claims Naval Expert

Woods Hole, MA – ( – After reviewing almost 5,000 digital photographs taken from inside the sunken luxury liner the Titanic, a Woods Hole scientist has concluded that there were survivors who lived inside the ship for up to five years after it slipped beneath the waves on April 14th, 1912. Read more ‘Over 150 Survivors Were Trapped Inside The Titanic For Up To 5 Years,’ Claims Naval Expert


Fiscal Cliff More Popular than Niagara Falls

It’s official. The Fiscal Cliff has overtaken Niagara Falls as America’s favorite tourist destination.

District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.

“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.” Read more Fiscal Cliff More Popular than Niagara Falls


The Constitution Of Uzupis – The Free-est Place In the World

The following is the actual Constitution of Uzupis, a part of the City of Vilnius, Lithuania that has declared independence from Vilnius, from Lithuania and apparently from the entire world in 1997.

An artist conclave, they have their own elected mayor and Cabinet, their own currency, their own passports and, until they all decided to go get a beer, their own standing army. Read more The Constitution Of Uzupis – The Free-est Place In the World


Alaska, All The Reasons Convicts Want To Live Here

Alaska is the land of pristine beauty, untouched by humankind, except for those dirty Russians, Sarah Palin, Exxon-Mobil, and the random arctic hillbilly hiding out from the federal government. But there are plenty of reasons to live here, and rather than tell you what they are, we’re just going to provide a photograph and call that good enough. Read more Alaska, All The Reasons Convicts Want To Live Here


Airports Taking Customers For More of a Ride Than Ever

Airports, seeking to get more money out of passengers exiting through their gates on international flights, have come up with inventive new ways of sucking the money out of their pockets.

RIGHT: This is not a video, but a photo… but you can go on and keep clicking it if you like.

Most airports have already come up with the ingenious method of taking away all possible drinkable liquids under the assumption that Al Queda has developed a potent bomb made out of liquid that looks, smells and tasted like tap water, thus leaving the parched departee having to drink out of bathroom toilets and to lick his own sweat to avoid passing out (please note that long flights cause dehydration, a fact the dirty birds are well aware of.) Read more Airports Taking Customers For More of a Ride Than Ever


The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF UZUPIS – In 1991 the people of Lithuania declared their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, declared their independence from Lithuania and got it, sort of.

Uzupis is a quiet part of town on the far side of the Vilnele River, east of the old town of Vilnius. It is a small district composed of a hill with the Vilnele wrapping around three of its bordering sides.

RIGHT: The editor responsible for placing this photo has no idea what it is or what it’s supposed to mean, so settled on “High Five for Uzupis!”(CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

For centuries it was the neglected part of town, lacking in simple amenities like running water.

It was often the home for prostitutes, squatters and other undesirables. During Soviet times artists started to move in and make it theirs. After the throwing off the Russians things continued to simmer in Uzupis until finally on April 1, 1997 (please note the other famous significance of this particular day- it is no coincidence) they declared themselves a free state.

A Constitution was drafted, their own flag created, a President and Cabinet elected, their own currency and anthem created and a standing army of 11 to 14 hardy souls enlisted (since disbanded, probably from lack of usage.)

The Constitution of Uzupis is unique in the congresses of the world as we know it. Some of its dictates are:

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not an obligation.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone shall remember their name.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to appreciate his importance.

Uzupis appears to be doing better than in its sewerless days. Today here are nice shops, banks and restaurants there. The constitution is proudly displayed on a street wall in multiple languages along with the open hand symbol that stands for Uzupis.

A statue of an egg as symbol for the town has now been replaced by a more formal angel trumpeting the creative freedom of Uzupis, the egg having been moved to another local.

Another popular statue, that of a mermaid perched on a shelf, took a swim during a flood one year, and, once recovered, was given a safer perch to attend.

The hand with a hole in it is the symbol for the town and also makes up the Uzupis flag. It stands for the philosophy that in Uzupis no one can take anything from anyone else because the item taken would fall though the hole in the hand. Read more The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights