Preschool Student Exchange Program Hits Snag

The plan was far from revolutionary. Just take a program that works for older students and bump it down for use on younger students. That was the plan for ToddlerX, a Sacramento-based program, but two years on, parents are feeling the pain.

“Well it sounded like a good idea,” said Jacob Johanson, a human resouce developer. “But when we shipped off our kid [who was barely 3 at the time] we didn’t realize what we’d get back.”

What he got back was a child nearly fluent in Russian gibberish, though all of his English had been lost, and he didn’t even recognize us as his parents. Read more Preschool Student Exchange Program Hits Snag


Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

My kids attend weekly Awana meetings, where they learn about how letting people talk about Jesus can result in candy and prizes.

For the true magic of Jesus, I had to share with them a bit of the practical side.

Everyone has taught my kids about Easter. The zealots and thumper-types gave their take, Walmart runs ads with their take in heavy rotation, and I might have peppered in a few thoughts of my own. Read more Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)


Pinewood Derby Teaches Valuable Lessons in Cheating, Abandonment

My boys had their first Pinewood Derby. As I sat there it dawned on me what’s really being taught; all the ugliness of life in one 7-ounces block of resentment.

My older son had what I can charitably describe as a cross between a rocket and a racecar in the form of one slightly rounded block. It’s not his fault, he’s worse at woodworking than his old man, and we really don’t own any appropriate tools. Read more Pinewood Derby Teaches Valuable Lessons in Cheating, Abandonment


YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)

YOLO, short for “you only live once”. Easily the “don’t worry, be happy” of 2011, is now gone, all but forgotten. But why is this phrase out of use? A recent study finds it’s because most who lived by it are now dead.

It’s an acronym that’s been around since 2004, but in 2011 hip hop artist Drake introduced this phrase to the ignorant masses in his awful but popular single “The Motto”. Within months it went from motto, to anthem, to mantra to eulogy. Read more YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)


KKK Allows More Gays than Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts of America has announced that they are considering thinking about the possibility of forming an exploratory committee to allow gays among their ranks. But the Klan has been doing that for decades.

Boy Scouts of America has long been famous for three things. Merit badges, prohibiting gays from service, and gay sexual abuse among its rank and file. And we do mean rank. Read more KKK Allows More Gays than Boy Scouts


Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite the inherent allure of mainstream video games, Marvel action figures and children’s television, 3-year-old Nathan LaPlant still manages to find the time to graffiti, on average, three books a week, say the child’s parents.

While his older brother Dane is routinely playing soccer in the back yard, little Nathan is said to be more than happy just sitting down with a copy of Spot’s Greatest Adventure, a book he has now torn the shit out of seven times. Read more Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week


Non-Booby Barbie Attracting Attention

A while back Mattel Inc. announced that it would be ‘downsizing’ their trademark, their symbol, their meal ticket, the Barbie doll.

Barbie, that picture perfect plastic woman doll who represented many a young girl’s dreams of femininity. “Downsizing’ in this respect means that her famous hourglass figure- the dimensional stuff many would be Playboy bunnies dreams are made of- were reduced to a less intimidating size.

The new, supposedly improved Barbie was more anatomically correct, this meaning she no longer inspired feelings of inferiority in lesser endowed girls who play with her by having her assets (and arse) reduced. Her famous Everest-sized breasts were deflated and she tried to appear more normal (read ‘boring’).

Long has been the decry of feminists that she set either too high of standards of womanly perfection or else the wrong standards all together. Mattel finally decided to comply and did a major liposuction on her wares.

So sad……

All of which left nothing for we males to rest our fantasies upon. Many of us grew up with her as the ideal of the woman we would someday have as our mate (or at least hopefully at least once in a lifetime mate with). It was Barbie-esque or nothing else. She was the utopian female (so was Pamela Anderson at that time), the stuff wet dreams are made of.

It is because of this that I propose that Mattel return Barbie to her original Cleopatra-like glory by producing a whole new Barbie that is not confined to the ideals of a limiting ‘politically correct’ mode. I recommend that they make a Barbie 2013 doll to reflect that modern female who lets it all out.

Stack her with all the things that modern engineering can do. Give her erotically enhanced thighs so tight you couldn’t pass a piece of paper through them. Make her breasts even bigger than before that wiggle when she’s shaken. Instead of that All American cupie smile of hers give her Sophie Loren lips with an insinuating Sharon Stone sneer.

Give her buttocks that would show up on radar screens. Put legs on her that look as though they have ballistic power. Make her the mother of all sex sirens, or perhaps at least the younger sister.

Instead of those cutsy, high school type clothes she normally wears have Victoria Secret design her new outfits- lacy and racy red underwear, push up bras, stiletto high heels. Let her really go! Get rid of those flashy accessories- the tennis rackets, sports cars, new dinettes, they are totally blahs-ville! Get down to the real nitty-gritty!

How about a ‘Barbies Dungeon of Forbidden Desire’s’? Put Barbie trademarked mirrored ceilings, edible underwear and domination whips on the market. Make her earn those black fishnet stockings of hers!

The old Barbie was perhaps a dream of femininity too impossible for many girls who were too insecure about their own developing sex appeal to attain. Then again, maybe she was more of an ideal to shoot for than a given to be taken for granted. It’s much easier to keep an hourglass figure when you’re made out of plastic, only 7 inches tall and never have to eat anything than when you are flesh and blood and addicted to gelatoes.

Now, if young girls were overawed by Barbie, how much more so is it for guys who had to match up to Ken, Barbies eternal sidekick? He was the epitome of 1960’s JFK-type handsomeness and virility. How were we to live up to his correctness, his perfect physic? Did Ken ever have to deal with having zits on his plastic hide? Did ever have problems with breaking wind at socially inconvenient times?

Are there any fillings in that everlasting, dashing smile of his? Perhaps a downgraded version of Ken is also forthcoming. How about ‘Kinky Ken’, complete with leather harness and other accessories of submission, all in black cow hide with studs? Kids could make endless varieties of fun with him and ‘Bitchin’ Barbie’. With Mattel’s imagination I suppose they could come up with all sorts of fun, expensive must-have accessories designed so as to drive families into debt paying for them all!


Popular Editor Fired From Part-time Mall Santa Job

Seattle, WA – ( – At the Dingleberry Regional Mall there was a bit of excitement during the first official day of the holiday shopping season…Mall officials fired Santa Claus!

The Christmas holiday season in this part of Washington state is usually started by the opening of the Santa Claus portion of the mall’s large atrium where a fully garbed Santa sits and holds toddlers and adults on his knee hoping to grant them ‘Christmas Wishes’. Read more Popular Editor Fired From Part-time Mall Santa Job


Center of Universe Needs Diaper Changing

INDIANAPOLIS – The center of local couple Jeff and Angela Paulson’s universe needed its diaper changing Saturday, after defecating all over its Pampers slip-on.

Even though it is routinely described as the “greatest thing in the world”, the multicellular organism also managed to spill juice all over the newly installed upholstery. Read more Center of Universe Needs Diaper Changing


Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned

The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side.

New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television star’s demise is the subject of a murder investigation.

Sources say that police have questioned Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is on record as saying he would “cut” Big Bird. Cut being a street slang term for murder by knife. Read more Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned


Millions of Children Suddenly Disappear and Reappear While Getting Dressed

Parents are still coping with the devastation left by this morning’s widespread disappearance of children across the US. Panic swept the nation as millions of households counted the youngest members of their families among those missing.

“He was there one moment putting his shirt on,” explains Utah mother Blaire Page, “And then he was gone.” But this inexplicable phenomenon took an even more startling turn for the Page family just moments later. “There he was again. As if nothing had happened.” Read more Millions of Children Suddenly Disappear and Reappear While Getting Dressed


Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute

In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.” 

SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful coexistence between eight-year-old Timmy Martin and his seven-year-old sister Lisa following a landmark agreement that resolved contentious issues of privacy and naming rights which had long divided the strife-torn siblings. Read more Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute


Mutant 2nd Graders – A Terrifying, Formidable Force

The New York Stock Exchange rose 3,000 points yesterday when news finally reached the floor of mutant second graders taking charge of financial interests in this country.

Investment adviser, William Buffington III was reported hiding in a restroom stall, quivering while stammering, “The little brat just walked up and took my keyboard. I tried to stop him but he threatened me with a windshield wiper blade.” Read more Mutant 2nd Graders – A Terrifying, Formidable Force


Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read more Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color


Computer Beats Kids at Candy Land… Holy Terrorbytes, Batman

IBM is at it again, but this time their target for domination isn’t aimed at nerdy trivia buffs or intimidating chess masters. No, its electronic jaws are now chomping at the bit to take a megabyte out of sweet innocent little children.

The big story in science and technology this past week was the defeat of Jeopardy! champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter by a supercomputer named Watson. Read more Computer Beats Kids at Candy Land… Holy Terrorbytes, Batman


Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express

London, England (Glossy News) – Paramedics arrived at London King’s Cross Railway Station on September 1st at 11:13 a.m. after a teenage boy of fourteen years cracked his scull in an attempt to get to platform 9¾ from the very popular Harry Potter books.

Devon Kinney and his mother, Debora Kinney were on their way to board a train to Manchester when Debora turned around to check the train schedules. “I had my back to him for a second, and then all the sudden I heard a huge bang, and I turned around to see Devon on the ground with his head bleeding profuse amounts of blood.” Read more Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express


Boy 16, Builds Life-Size Anatomically Correct Girl From Legos

Seattle, Ore. (Glossy News) – Mavis Gillard almost fainted when she opened her son’s bedroom door and caught David Jr. with what appeared to be a naked girl in bed.

A first she wanted to scream bloody murder, but on taking a closer look she knew something was more than a little odd. The Blond-haired vixen was made entirely of Lego blocks. The form was shockingly accurate in almost every detail, even down to the blue eyes and perfectly square 36dd breasts, typical for women with plastic augmentation. Read more Boy 16, Builds Life-Size Anatomically Correct Girl From Legos


Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation

Halloween will soon be upon us. Here are some simple tips that should help keep the holiday safe and fun for everyone.

1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction sites, and toxic waste dumps.

2. Novelty contact lenses can add a new dimension to a Halloween costume. Please get yours from a licensed eye care professional; resist the temptation to create your own using an empty plastic water bottle, a razor blade, and a set of colored markers. Read more Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation