Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

One invariable about teens is that, whether raised in the abstinence-only belt of high teen birth rates, or normal states, kids be getting down and dirty.

This latest crazy craze involves young girls, often those from the flag team, dousing their young male counterparts, often from track or football teams, with various sugary syrups in advance of intimate encounters.

But as disturbingly sexy as sticky teens might sound, the risk of communicable ants is higher than in any other form of intimate encounter.

Conservative pundit Harworth Jerriwater said that, “It’s not a matter of whether or not they are fire ants. They’re not, they’re sugar ants, but they’ve got the fire of Satan in their sticky fingers, faces and thoraxes. Thoracese? Thorazzi? Whatever their asses are called.”

According to former CDC intern, “using syrups as a sexual aid invariably leads to ants, since the beds and genitals are slathered in it, and once they get in, it’s almost impossible to get them out.”

The only representative from the World Health Organization (WHO*) who was willing to go on the record said, “What? There’s no such thing as genital ants.” Adding, “Well yeah, if you cover any part of your body in some kinds of syrup, you’re going to get [dangerous, serious genital] ants [which are a very serious issue.”

After we read the quote back, he rescinded his permission to publish his quote with his name, but that only makes us wonder what he’s actually hiding.

“[Genital] ants aren’t really that bad,” said Jason “seriouslydon’tusemyname” Wilkerson of 2140-A, Oakes Ave. “If the worst thing that happened to me for having sex was getting ants, I’d be happy.”

In an ill-planned experiment, we arranged for a paid encounter between him and a young woman with an exceptional affinity for crack who was known to have an ant infestation, and he quickly came to understand that herpes and HPV are additional risks. He refused to participate in further interviews after that point.

* WHO – Exactly, am I right? WHO indeed!

Just, you know, this picture.
Just, you know, this picture.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.