Upset Lassie Leaves Timmy Down The Well

Through an interpreter (the Dog Whisperer), Lassie has informed local police the she has no plans to tell them which well Timmy is stuck in. The famous collie, who has saved the boy from multiple wells, caves, fires, storms, lions, wolves, bears, snakes, wells, collapsing buildings, and several other life threatening situations, has said that she has had enough. Read more Upset Lassie Leaves Timmy Down The Well

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Child Protective Services Crackdowns on Tater Tots, ‘Baby Back’ Ribs

SACRAMENTO, California (GlossyNews) — The California Department of Social Services launched the biggest child abuse crackdown in the agency’s history. Citing various infractions of both state and federal laws, the enforcement division of the CDSS, the Child Protective Services (CPS). often called the Goon Squad, made simultaneous raids at various homes and business locations across the state. Over 735 people were either arrested or taken into protective custody. Reportedly, up to 74 ‘Tater Tots’ were also taken into protective custody by agents who acted in the knick of time, just before they were to be eaten. Read more Child Protective Services Crackdowns on Tater Tots, ‘Baby Back’ Ribs

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Young Boy’s Wish Granted; Becomes Oscar Meyer Weiner

Rogersville, TN – GlossyNews.com – Little Johnny Krebbs loved to sit around his rural Rogersville home like any other kid daydreaming and making wishes. He wished for a puppy. Other times he wished for a new bicycle, but it wasn’t until he wished-upon-a-lucky-star while singing a popular kids song that his wishes finally came true… much to the astonishment of his parents, Glenn and Rita Read more Young Boy’s Wish Granted; Becomes Oscar Meyer Weiner

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More Letters from Summer Camp

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL). Read more More Letters from Summer Camp

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Letters from Summer Camp

Glossy News, never too low to find new sources of information for you news hungry clowns, found the following letters in a number of trash cans throughout Beverly Hills:

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?
Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,
Billy Read more Letters from Summer Camp

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Alternative Gifting Ideas for Your Single Dad

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Read more Alternative Gifting Ideas for Your Single Dad

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Glenn Beck to Develop Children’s Show on Fox

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a stylistic reincarnation of Dick Dastardly, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, producers have tentatively named the show “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.” Read more Glenn Beck to Develop Children’s Show on Fox

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Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Read more Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

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Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score

APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after hearing my jokes about pi,” he complained yesterday. “They all took geometry last year, they should get it!” Read more Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score

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Father/Son Bonding Often Causes Permanent Scarring

Testors and Testes. To this day, those words are interchangeably linked in my mind, and so, I was ill prepared for the terror they would again conjure when my son, who just turned eight years old, asked the inevitable question, “Dad, where do model airplanes come from?”

It’s the question I’ve been dreading since little Harry, Jr. was old enough to realize that other kids had toys that you couldn’t just go to a toy store and buy, but came from a magical place and were proudly displayed on his friends’ toy shelves. Read more Father/Son Bonding Often Causes Permanent Scarring

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New EUSSR Questionnaire – for Five-Year-Olds

The latest Kafkaesque directive to be launched by the Brussels-based E-USSR is a super-intrusive questionnaire to be completed by the parents of 5-year old children who are ready to start school.

The dystopic European Bully Boy state’s interrogation sheet contains no less than an 83-point survey of autocratic snooping – failure to complete which might well see your kids snatched under the State’s totalitarian ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme – and your sad Read more New EUSSR Questionnaire – for Five-Year-Olds

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Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.” Read more Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

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Robo-Rat: the Future of Service-Free Pets

Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company – when the kids get tired of playing with it.

No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets – the “must-have” present for Christmas 2009. Read more Robo-Rat: the Future of Service-Free Pets

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Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.” Read more Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

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School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig

Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body – and has a friend called Semolina.

While Oriole is a British-born Indian Asian and Semolina O’Dinga a Brit’-born Central African Ugandan negro they are next door neighbours and attend the same class at the Smegmadale Elementary School for Latter Day Bigots. Read more School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig

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