Archive | Kidz Zone

Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express

Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express

London, England (Glossy News) – Paramedics arrived at London King’s Cross Railway Station on September 1st at 11:13 a.m. after a teenage boy of fourteen years cracked his scull in an attempt to get to platform 9¾ from the very popular Harry Potter books.

Devon Kinney and his mother, Debora Kinney were on their way to board a train to Manchester when Debora turned around to check the train schedules. “I had my back to him for a second, and then all the sudden I heard a huge bang, and I turned around to see Devon on the ground with his head bleeding profuse amounts of blood.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Boy 16, Builds Life-Size Anatomically Correct Girl From Legos

Boy 16, Builds Life-Size Anatomically Correct Girl From Legos

Seattle, Ore. (Glossy News) – Mavis Gillard almost fainted when she opened her son’s bedroom door and caught David Jr. with what appeared to be a naked girl in bed.

A first she wanted to scream bloody murder, but on taking a closer look she knew something was more than a little odd. The Blond-haired vixen was made entirely of Lego blocks. The form was shockingly accurate in almost every detail, even down to the blue eyes and perfectly square 36dd breasts, typical for women with plastic augmentation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation

Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation

Halloween will soon be upon us. Here are some simple tips that should help keep the holiday safe and fun for everyone.

1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction sites, and toxic waste dumps.

2. Novelty contact lenses can add a new dimension to a Halloween costume. Please get yours from a licensed eye care professional; resist the temptation to create your own using an empty plastic water bottle, a razor blade, and a set of colored markers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone3 Comments

Upset Lassie Leaves Timmy Down The Well

Upset Lassie Leaves Timmy Down The Well

Through an interpreter (the Dog Whisperer), Lassie has informed local police the she has no plans to tell them which well Timmy is stuck in. The famous collie, who has saved the boy from multiple wells, caves, fires, storms, lions, wolves, bears, snakes, wells, collapsing buildings, and several other life threatening situations, has said that she has had enough. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television6 Comments

Child Protective Services Crackdowns on Tater Tots, ‘Baby Back’ Ribs

Child Protective Services Crackdowns on Tater Tots, ‘Baby Back’ Ribs

SACRAMENTO, California (GlossyNews) — The California Department of Social Services launched the biggest child abuse crackdown in the agency’s history. Citing various infractions of both state and federal laws, the enforcement division of the CDSS, the Child Protective Services (CPS). often called the Goon Squad, made simultaneous raids at various homes and business locations across the state. Over 735 people were either arrested or taken into protective custody. Reportedly, up to 74 ‘Tater Tots’ were also taken into protective custody by agents who acted in the knick of time, just before they were to be eaten. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Young Boy’s Wish Granted; Becomes Oscar Meyer Weiner

Young Boy’s Wish Granted; Becomes Oscar Meyer Weiner

Rogersville, TN – GlossyNews.com – Little Johnny Krebbs loved to sit around his rural Rogersville home like any other kid daydreaming and making wishes. He wished for a puppy. Other times he wished for a new bicycle, but it wasn’t until he wished-upon-a-lucky-star while singing a popular kids song that his wishes finally came true… much to the astonishment of his parents, Glenn and Rita Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone4 Comments

More Letters from Summer Camp

More Letters from Summer Camp

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL). Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone0 Comments

Letters from Summer Camp

Letters from Summer Camp

Glossy News, never too low to find new sources of information for you news hungry clowns, found the following letters in a number of trash cans throughout Beverly Hills:

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?
Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,
Billy Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone2 Comments

Alternative Gifting Ideas for Your Single Dad

Alternative Gifting Ideas for Your Single Dad

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone2 Comments

Glenn Beck to Develop Children’s Show on Fox

Glenn Beck to Develop Children’s Show on Fox

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a stylistic reincarnation of Dick Dastardly, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, producers have tentatively named the show “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television4 Comments

Kansas Dad Somehow Lifts Car Off 6-Year-Old Girl

Kansas Dad Somehow Lifts Car Off 6-Year-Old Girl

SHAWNEE, KS (GlossyNews) — A Kansas mother is praising neighbor Nick Harris as “Superman” after her six-year-old daughter described how Harris found the strength to lift a car off her. The girl escaped with minor injuries after she was pinned under the vehicle. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score

Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score

APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after hearing my jokes about pi,” he complained yesterday. “They all took geometry last year, they should get it!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone1 Comment

Father/Son Bonding Often Causes Permanent Scarring

Father/Son Bonding Often Causes Permanent Scarring

Testors and Testes. To this day, those words are interchangeably linked in my mind, and so, I was ill prepared for the terror they would again conjure when my son, who just turned eight years old, asked the inevitable question, “Dad, where do model airplanes come from?”

It’s the question I’ve been dreading since little Harry, Jr. was old enough to realize that other kids had toys that you couldn’t just go to a toy store and buy, but came from a magical place and were proudly displayed on his friends’ toy shelves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone8 Comments

New EUSSR Questionnaire – for Five-Year-Olds

New EUSSR Questionnaire – for Five-Year-Olds

The latest Kafkaesque directive to be launched by the Brussels-based E-USSR is a super-intrusive questionnaire to be completed by the parents of 5-year old children who are ready to start school.

The dystopic European Bully Boy state’s interrogation sheet contains no less than an 83-point survey of autocratic snooping – failure to complete which might well see your kids snatched under the State’s totalitarian ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme – and your sad Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone3 Comments

Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone3 Comments

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