7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

With good ol’ Saint Hallow’s Eve fast approaching, it’s time to think about the trick and/or treaters who will soon be knocking on your door fresh-faced and pre-diabetic.

You can make a ton of friends by handing out full-sized candy bars or silver dollars, but that adds up quickly and it still won’t spare your house from egging. Not being a Phys Ed teacher is usually enough to ensure that.

So what are the best & worst things to give out this Halloween? It may surprise you but the best and worst are one and the same. Read more 7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

Share

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

There used to be a sanctuary to which you could retire for that most blessed and peaceful of soul satisfying balms- silence.

This sanctuary was known as a ‘library’ and throughout the world they could be considered a trustworthy and guarded haven for this treasure of peace whether it be in Bangladesh or the heart of Manhattan.

There entities known as “librarians” would covet and protect this precious jewel of quietude against all assailants be they obnoxious brats, overheated fine payers or homeless wrecks. Read more Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

Share

Yes I Can: President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

When President Obama’s presidency finishes, he won’t be out of a job. Well, he might be out of a job before his Presidency finishes, if the Republicans succeed in impeaching him.

Still, the President says that whenever he leaves the Oval Office, he’s going to use skills he has already required on-the-job, in order to further advance his career.

So, look at what he has to say about this: Read more Yes I Can: President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

Share

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, the notoriously ranty and pugnacious Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World: Read more Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Share

Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

One invariable about teens is that, whether raised in the abstinence-only belt of high teen birth rates, or normal states, kids be getting down and dirty.

This latest crazy craze involves young girls, often those from the flag team, dousing their young male counterparts, often from track or football teams, with various sugary syrups in advance of intimate encounters. Read more Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

Share

Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

There’s nothing elegant about a three-year-old putting madly at a ball he can’t seem to square up on, but it seems one channel has gone the extra mile by making him an internet sensation.

The golfer in question is a young man named Max, and apparently it’s short for Maximum Putt Swings, because this kid is a hacker on the highest order, and his swing isn’t merely unrefined, but refreshingly wild. Read more Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

Share

Child Labor Now Used in Every Sector, Even Accounting (Video Exclusive)

There was a time when children were free to play in the fields they tilled, learn skills in the factories that employed them, or even frolic on the sets of such films as Home Alone and The Sixth Sense.

The modern child labor trade has taken all the fun out of preteen employment, it seems, as some are forced into the most soul-crushing of kiddo careers. Read more Child Labor Now Used in Every Sector, Even Accounting (Video Exclusive)

Share

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Read more Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Share

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop.

North Pole law enforcement officials said the suspect in the shooting is Rudolph L. May, though many used to laugh and call him “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” or “the 9th reindeer.” Read more Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

Share

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list.

Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also produced “Ted Cruz to the Future,” a “comic activity book for all ages” featuring Sarah’s rival, a Lone Star currently rising in the Tea Party.

Surprisingly, the junior Republican Senator’s coloring book was a Texas-sized hit for the company, and became Amazon’s number one seller at the time. Read more Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

Share

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Old Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops have been becoming wet-shops due to the the melting of the sea ice of the arctic.

“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone.

“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!” Read more Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Share

Contest: Bet You Cannot Spot the Difference

You’ll want to enlarge it (by clicking on the image) and study it studiously. The first reader to write back to me with the difference will receive a $20 Visa gift card. Can you spot the difference, or do you have to cheat?

CLICK the image to enlarge it and see it full-size.

NOTE: Reader Erickj2 snapped up the prize within mere seconds of going live, apparently by simply reading the footer of the graphic.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Share

Deaf 3 Year Old Arrested for Sneaking Finger-Guns into School

Hunter Spanjer, who also goes by Little John Wayne or the Tiny Terminator depending on the social situation, was arrested last week for bringing firearms onto school property. Though, to be clear, it wasn’t an “arm”, it was his fingers so the technical term would be “firefinger”.

Nebraska school officials, upon receiving a tip, quickly notified the authorities of the imminent danger to their campus and possible hostage situation that was taking place. Read more Deaf 3 Year Old Arrested for Sneaking Finger-Guns into School

Share

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

For years we have heard the mantra that ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher” thrown at us from bumper stickers and signs everywhere. Of course the school system will surely not broadcast so loudly their failings- the brainwash, the intimidation, the browbeating, the systematization of everything possible.

If they ever did, here is what these bumper stickers would look like:

If you are so robotic that you have no will of your own, thank a teacher.

If you are working at Walmart because you always believed that only other people can tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it, thank your educational system.

If school shootings happen because a system of education ignores the anger made from bullying, intimidation and repression, thank a School Principal.

If you have been so conditioned by school indoctrination that it is impossible to think outside the box, thank a teacher.

If you were intimidated by a ‘good ole boy’ system that patted bullying jocks on the back and looked the other way when they exercised their ‘right’ to dominate and harass at schools, thank a school administration.

If you have come to believe that only the A students and the athletes count for anything in a society, thank your school system.

If you can do nothing creatively but only copy what others do, thank an education system.

If you cannot exercise your own free will without fear, thank your schooling.

If you are obese, unhealthy or have bad posture due to sitting in a chair all day without any physical exercise, thank an educational policy plan.

If you are so intellectually trained that you can only think in one dimension, thank a school curriculum.

If you have been so skilled in a narrow, specialized field that if it were to become obsolete you would be permanently unemployed, thank a school system.

If your self esteem is down around where your shoes should be due to being brow beat throughout school, thank a teacher.

If you have been molded into believing that life after high school is nothing more than an extension of the rigid social structure of what you experienced there- ie. only some people can be popular, authority figures determine your whole life, that certain sports, arts, careers, social groups, etc. are only for a privileged elite, then thank a fossilized learning system.

If you cannot understand anything outside the confines of your own community, religion, nation or political party, thank a school system.

If you have been conditioned to being a tool of a system that only recognizes a hierarchy of football players, cheerleaders and other sports personnel as being the heights of society, thank your school.

– – – – – – – – –

For an expert look at what is wrong with our school system and what needs to be done about it, read Dumbing Us Down by John Gatto, a former Teacher Of the Year nominated by the New York School System. Everyone who has ever been educated in America should read it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently bumpers are significantly wider where this author lives.

Share

Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos

Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.

Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny. Read more Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos

Share

Age Old Joke Takes Dark Turn; Escalates Quickly (COMIC)

You know the age-old joke, “Why is 6 afraid of 7.” Well what happens when the smart-ass kid you’re telling it to already knows the joke?

Well apparently, you ruin their childhood.

CLICK on the image to see the cartoon full-sized.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Share

Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

INDIANAPOLIS – Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat.

Congratulating her son Ben on what was actually a painfully lackluster and wooden performance in the title role, Maggie Polworth insisted that the 17-year-old was “really fun” and that he looked “very funny” in those navy blue tights. Read more Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

Share