Archive | Kidz Zone

Gambling Classes to be Added to School Curriculum in 5 Different States

Gambling Classes to be Added to School Curriculum in 5 Different States

Stop complaining that school doesn’t prepare you for real life.

“The Real World, Real Skills Bill” has finally passed through the senate — adding gambling classes to the core curriculum of five states. The teachers are abuzz, students are excited and parents are desperately trying to figure out how they, themselves, can enroll. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

With good ol’ Saint Hallow’s Eve fast approaching, it’s time to think about the trick and/or treaters who will soon be knocking on your door fresh-faced and pre-diabetic.

You can make a ton of friends by handing out full-sized candy bars or silver dollars, but that adds up quickly and it still won’t spare your house from egging. Not being a Phys Ed teacher is usually enough to ensure that.

So what are the best & worst things to give out this Halloween? It may surprise you but the best and worst are one and the same. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

There used to be a sanctuary to which you could retire for that most blessed and peaceful of soul satisfying balms- silence.

This sanctuary was known as a ‘library’ and throughout the world they could be considered a trustworthy and guarded haven for this treasure of peace whether it be in Bangladesh or the heart of Manhattan.

There entities known as “librarians” would covet and protect this precious jewel of quietude against all assailants be they obnoxious brats, overheated fine payers or homeless wrecks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Yes I Can: President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

Yes I Can: President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

When President Obama’s presidency finishes, he won’t be out of a job. Well, he might be out of a job before his Presidency finishes, if the Republicans succeed in impeaching him.

Still, the President says that whenever he leaves the Oval Office, he’s going to use skills he has already required on-the-job, in order to further advance his career.

So, look at what he has to say about this: Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

One invariable about teens is that, whether raised in the abstinence-only belt of high teen birth rates, or normal states, kids be getting down and dirty.

This latest crazy craze involves young girls, often those from the flag team, dousing their young male counterparts, often from track or football teams, with various sugary syrups in advance of intimate encounters. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

There’s nothing elegant about a three-year-old putting madly at a ball he can’t seem to square up on, but it seems one channel has gone the extra mile by making him an internet sensation.

The golfer in question is a young man named Max, and apparently it’s short for Maximum Putt Swings, because this kid is a hacker on the highest order, and his swing isn’t merely unrefined, but refreshingly wild. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Child Labor Now Used in Every Sector, Even Accounting (Video Exclusive)

Child Labor Now Used in Every Sector, Even Accounting (Video Exclusive)

There was a time when children were free to play in the fields they tilled, learn skills in the factories that employed them, or even frolic on the sets of such films as Home Alone and The Sixth Sense.

The modern child labor trade has taken all the fun out of preteen employment, it seems, as some are forced into the most soul-crushing of kiddo careers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Video News0 Comments

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

Oberlin, OH — Annabel Smith, local 2 year old, coos as she goes through her mother’s iPhone, the screen illuminating her round face.

The iPhone is well equipped with several apps specifically for babies, such as Dora’s Ballet Adventure, and thousands of Anabel’s “selfies”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Technology1 Comment

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop.

North Pole law enforcement officials said the suspect in the shooting is Rudolph L. May, though many used to laugh and call him “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” or “the 9th reindeer.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Kidz Zone1 Comment

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