Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.
Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™:
This video, I mean, it’s an insult to Our Common Humanity™. Me and my buddies fought very hard in Vietnam, but now this despicable horse is making light of all our efforts, using that name “Charlie” to mock us.
I mean, we all know about the Vietnam War; I, for one, have never shut up about it, and in all probability, I never will. But this Enemy of Our Common Humanity calling himself “Charlie” is an undeniable act of provocation.
You follow me? Well, of course you do! The facts are absolutely undeniable, just as the undeniable fact that the brutal and vicious Asad Regime™ have been gassing innocent civilians is beyond all reasonable doubt.
Yeah, like, no matter what pretentious nerds… sorry, scientists… from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, with many long confidential FBI profiles… sorry, many long years of experience… have been jiving about that chemical weapon atrocity a while back…
Yeah, well f___ the haters: Kerry says it, you believe it, that settles it!
Still, as regards “Charlie,” don’t think I’ve just been sitting there, doing nothing… well, why would you?
Yeah, I sent Men in Black around to threaten Charlie and make him quit this act of senseless provocation…
But now I must defend the honour of Our Nation and Our Common Humanity and promote our mutual advancement, the flourishing of our common prosperity, and the indefatigability of the human spirit to triumph over all odds…
On the other hand,the other side of this issue, which is equally undeniable and unimportant…
(Goddayum! TM break!)
I can’t be bothered printing the rest of this tedious rant. Still, I had to ask him:
“But what about all the other Charlies? Charlie Brown? Charlie Chaplin? King Charles I? King Charles II? Charlie Sheen?”
“I mean,” I ask him, “Surely you can’t go after every single enemy Charlie, every mocker and scoffer, and take them all out one by one?”
But Kerry’s response is surprisingly equivocal:
“Well, let’s start off with Charlie Brown, and go through them all one by one… or equally, maybe not…
“Basically, there are two positions on this issue, both of which are equally valid and of equal strategic importance…. Let me try and sum them up for you…
“One is that Charlie Brown is a sweet and endearing, perfectly charming and innocent cartoon character, as American as Apple Pie; as well as being a True Patriotic American™, worthy of our utmost unqualified respect and undying affection.
“But the other side, no less important and true, is that Charlie Brown is a despicable Enemy of the People and of Our Common Humanity, who can and must be taken out with an ignominious drone to the head!”
I ask him: “But what will you ACTUALLY do about him? You don’t want to flesh this shit out a bit, do you?”
Kerry stares at me, as if my suggestion has somehow suddenly and painfully awoken him from his erstwhile philosophical slumber.
“Yeah, that’s always the tricky bit where my mind has to become extra flexible and dynamic. You know that’s kind of my key characteristic and positive attribute: my lack of rigid, linear thinking. Well, if we weigh it up… I mean, from one perspective, at least…”
Oh, man! At this, I departed a certain slick coastal coffee bar in an achingly groovy part of town, muttering away to myself, consumed by a war-rage against the folly and equivocation of this world; despairing of the prospect of any coherent and consistent answer.
I guess it’s my fault. That’s rigid and linear thinking for you, then… my bad.