Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

ANDERSON – In what has become a sensational development, sources today confirmed the discovery of life on the surface of Marsh – the Indianapolis-based food retail store.

It was previously believed that life could not flourish on the store’s floor, but recent studies have unearthed a plethora of biped-like creatures roaming the surface looking for food. Continue Reading

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Smartphone User Glad He Doesn’t Have to Have Series of Interesting Thoughts

Smartphone User Glad He Doesn’t Have to Have Series of Interesting Thoughts

CHICAGO—While using his phone to browse an online forum where users rank their favorite vacation spots, Roger Howton reflected with great fondness on the fact that he didn’t have to use his imagination for a single moment to wonder about anything.

“Just give me cold, hard facts or someone else’s opinion and I’m good,” said Howton.

Howton is one of millions of Americans that have the great privilege of being able to simply pull out their phone and answer any question that crosses their mind. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos2 Comments

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking an effing lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company’s quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Important safety alert: The dangers of texting while breathing

Important safety alert: The dangers of texting while breathing

In our increasingly technology-bound culture, cell phone use has exploded over the past decade. A recent report indicates there are now more cell phones in the USA than people, and three times more cell phone users than people who can locate the United States on a map of North America.

People use their cell phones to do all sorts of things – a few have even been known to use them to place phone calls. But mostly, people use their cell phones to text thought-provoking comments like Hey. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Human Interest0 Comments

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake in other equally crazy and disturbing behavior after taking it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science1 Comment

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Breaking News from Switzerland today, the Swiss Government are under scrutiny after an inside source leaked that Large Hadron Collider nicknamed ‘The Black Hole Generator’ by cyber geeks with no life, may have been ‘acquired’ by the power hungry megalomaniac Dr Apocalypse.

The world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator in the hands of such a man could spell the end for humanity as we know it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

An eccentric inventor and local teen were killed yesterday when the Delorean in which they were riding crashed into a wall at about 90 mph. Martin McFly, 18, and Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, age unavailable, were pronounced “really dead” at the scene. Homeland Security became involved in the investigation after radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” in the back of the vehicle. Federal investigators are calling the incident a possible “thwarted act of terrorism”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology3 Comments

Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

A group of scientists at the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor have angrily denied recent sightings of a 700-foot fire-breathing iguanadon, though they refused to do so on-the-record, leading to further speculation that the monster is very much real.

Scientists at the lab say that the allegations are just a scare mongering tactic. These are also the same scientists who mong three-eyed fish and glowing ground vermin, so they’re testimony is necessarily tempered. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Video News0 Comments

Causality up-ended in the Southern Hemisphere (comic)

Causality up-ended in the Southern Hemisphere (comic)

Imagine if penguins got around to being hack philosophers, and they did it causal Friday. Casual Friday? Either way, doesn’t matter, they’re just flightless birds, so don’t take them too seriously.

If causality had made you a penguin, would you ponder the existence of existence? Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Environment0 Comments

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported.

“So, you understand, although I am currently unable to witness the ball’s existence, per se, because of your physical inhabitance of the space between my eyes and said object, I am nevertheless capable of grasping the paramount notion that it is still there,” said Truffles. Continue Reading

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Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

The first time I bought memory was on the eve of my first trip to China in January of 2001. I’d never been to Asia and figured, “hey, Shanghai is a place I’ve heard of, so off I went.

My 2.1 megapixel Canon Digital Elph which was a killer deal at the time at $430. A truly exceptional camera. My prints from this and other trips were eventually shown in a gallery in Kirkland, Washington, and over the course of a year I even sold about two. Not a profitable hobby. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, World News0 Comments

Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots

Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots

If there’s one thing nearly every American can agree on it’s that having aerial surveillance cameras capable of eavesdropping on our every move from outer space is a wonderful thing.

Oh, sure, sometimes surveillance cameras can be used for evil, like the time they caught this journalist doing 45 in a 35 mph zone. But video technology can also be used for good – say, to observe remotely whether employees are wasting time at work playing video games, when they should be wasting time pretending to make sales calls.

That at least appears to be the thinking behind a new, state-of-the art mobile video robot called the Ava 500, a name most experts consider a far better name than the original idea: the Self-Navigational Operations Observational Prototype (SNOOP for short).

The Ava 500 is the world’s “first self-driving business collaboration robot,” according to the manufacturer’s cheery marketing brochure. Now, business executives can collaborate with employees without leaving their corner office, using a mobile robot with a two-way video camera that lets them roam the halls or join in on team meetings remotely. Employees will love it.

Want to check in on your crew of illegal Mexican factory workers to see if they are keeping pace with their production quota of 1,500 sneakers per hour? No problem. With the press of a button, you can remotely walk along the assembly line floor to inspect the quality of their work, without leaving your yacht in the Caymans. Hey, looks like it’s already been ten minutes and Pedro’s still not back from his five-minute lunch break. Uh oh. Pedro’s got some ‘splaining to do.

The Ava 500 is built by iRobot, the same company that brought you the Roomba, a self-guided mini-vacuum robot and the perfect tool for terrorizing house cats. Skeptics scoff that the Ava 500 resembles a rolling parking meter. But don’t be confused. The Ava 500 doesn’t take quarters. But it does take incredibly detailed videos of whatever managers want to observe, including that stash of pot Pedro left on his desk. Oh, Pedro is so fired. And thanks to the Ava 500, firing employees from 2,000 miles away has never been easier.

Companies are using this powerful mobile video robot to improve communication with remote locations, cut down on travel costs of busy executives and improve employee morale. With fewer visits from assholes from Corporate, employees have never been happier – especially when they gather round to watch the Ava 500 unsuccessfully attempt to negotiate its way down a flight of stairs. It’s hilarious.

robot bosses - RoombaAnd now that companies have Ava 500s roaming every production line floor and bank of cubicles, they are seeing dramatic gains in productivity, thanks to the fact that employees’ moves are now under 24/7 scrutiny. However, Facebook status updates appear to have fallen noticeably since the arrival of these mobile office droids. Experts caution that it is possible to abuse how managers employ this state-of-the-art video robot technology and suggest some basic Dos and Don’ts.

DO give your robot a friendly name like Charlie, Todd or perhaps Thad, to make employees feel less threatened.

DON’T have “Charlie” swing by your employees’ cubicles every fifteen minutes asking “Have you submitted your TPS report yet?” Unless they’ve seen the film Office Space, they won’t get the joke.

DO use it to facilitate brainstorming sessions between Corporate and your manufacturing plant about how to eliminate waste in the production process.

DON’T have it stand next to Pedro with an arrow pointing at Pedro and saying the words “Here’s a way to eliminate waste.”

DO remember to reboot your robot periodically. The software is still a bit buggy.

DON’T use the AVA 500 to spy on employees in the break room to see if they’re smoking or drinking in violation of company rules. (Use the AVA 630 Micro Bot instead– installs in any overhead light fixture in minutes. They’ll never even notice it.)

robot bosses - HallwayDO encourage employees to try using the AVA 500 on their own so they can see how it can help them.

DON’T encourage employees to ride around the factory floor on Ava’s back. Or attempt to ride her down 5th Avenue during Rush Hour. Or attempt to have sex with her. I trust the reasons for all of these do not require elaboration.

Companies that have installed this exciting new technology have observed a 36% drop in employee theft, a 49% drop in workplace drinking, and an 85% drop in employees wanting to work there anymore.

Bert Kowalski of Waukesha, WI was so impressed by the potential of this technology that he has installed one to monitor his kids’ behavior in the house while he’s at work. He named his robot Margaret. Bert reported that recently his younger daughter insisted she was home alone all day, reading the biography of Abraham Lincoln, but thanks to Margaret’s 20 mega-pixel retinal imaging camera, Bert could see that she had her boyfriend over and they were, well, let’s just say they did not learn much about Abraham Lincoln.

Bert shared that he thought about going into her room for a father-daughter talk on the importance of trust, but that seemed an inefficient use of his time. Instead, thanks to Margaret, Bert was able to lecture her from the comfort of his bed while watching the Milwaukee Brewers game on TV.

Or at least he thought I could do that. Turns out Bert’s wife lectured him about privacy rights and told him never to do it again. How did she know that Bert had done it, we asked? Bert relied, “Turns out Margaret is a snitch. Damn.”

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Posted in Biz News, Science & Technologizzy1 Comment

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now.

Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees – unseasonably high for early January. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology1 Comment

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