Archive | Science & Technologizzy

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, World News0 Comments

Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots

Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots

If there’s one thing nearly every American can agree on it’s that having aerial surveillance cameras capable of eavesdropping on our every move from outer space is a wonderful thing.

Oh, sure, sometimes surveillance cameras can be used for evil, like the time they caught this journalist doing 45 in a 35 mph zone. But video technology can also be used for good – say, to observe remotely whether employees are wasting time at work playing video games, when they should be wasting time pretending to make sales calls.

That at least appears to be the thinking behind a new, state-of-the art mobile video robot called the Ava 500, a name most experts consider a far better name than the original idea: the Self-Navigational Operations Observational Prototype (SNOOP for short).

The Ava 500 is the world’s “first self-driving business collaboration robot,” according to the manufacturer’s cheery marketing brochure. Now, business executives can collaborate with employees without leaving their corner office, using a mobile robot with a two-way video camera that lets them roam the halls or join in on team meetings remotely. Employees will love it.

Want to check in on your crew of illegal Mexican factory workers to see if they are keeping pace with their production quota of 1,500 sneakers per hour? No problem. With the press of a button, you can remotely walk along the assembly line floor to inspect the quality of their work, without leaving your yacht in the Caymans. Hey, looks like it’s already been ten minutes and Pedro’s still not back from his five-minute lunch break. Uh oh. Pedro’s got some ‘splaining to do.

The Ava 500 is built by iRobot, the same company that brought you the Roomba, a self-guided mini-vacuum robot and the perfect tool for terrorizing house cats. Skeptics scoff that the Ava 500 resembles a rolling parking meter. But don’t be confused. The Ava 500 doesn’t take quarters. But it does take incredibly detailed videos of whatever managers want to observe, including that stash of pot Pedro left on his desk. Oh, Pedro is so fired. And thanks to the Ava 500, firing employees from 2,000 miles away has never been easier.

Companies are using this powerful mobile video robot to improve communication with remote locations, cut down on travel costs of busy executives and improve employee morale. With fewer visits from assholes from Corporate, employees have never been happier – especially when they gather round to watch the Ava 500 unsuccessfully attempt to negotiate its way down a flight of stairs. It’s hilarious.

robot bosses - RoombaAnd now that companies have Ava 500s roaming every production line floor and bank of cubicles, they are seeing dramatic gains in productivity, thanks to the fact that employees’ moves are now under 24/7 scrutiny. However, Facebook status updates appear to have fallen noticeably since the arrival of these mobile office droids. Experts caution that it is possible to abuse how managers employ this state-of-the-art video robot technology and suggest some basic Dos and Don’ts.

DO give your robot a friendly name like Charlie, Todd or perhaps Thad, to make employees feel less threatened.

DON’T have “Charlie” swing by your employees’ cubicles every fifteen minutes asking “Have you submitted your TPS report yet?” Unless they’ve seen the film Office Space, they won’t get the joke.

DO use it to facilitate brainstorming sessions between Corporate and your manufacturing plant about how to eliminate waste in the production process.

DON’T have it stand next to Pedro with an arrow pointing at Pedro and saying the words “Here’s a way to eliminate waste.”

DO remember to reboot your robot periodically. The software is still a bit buggy.

DON’T use the AVA 500 to spy on employees in the break room to see if they’re smoking or drinking in violation of company rules. (Use the AVA 630 Micro Bot instead– installs in any overhead light fixture in minutes. They’ll never even notice it.)

robot bosses - HallwayDO encourage employees to try using the AVA 500 on their own so they can see how it can help them.

DON’T encourage employees to ride around the factory floor on Ava’s back. Or attempt to ride her down 5th Avenue during Rush Hour. Or attempt to have sex with her. I trust the reasons for all of these do not require elaboration.

Companies that have installed this exciting new technology have observed a 36% drop in employee theft, a 49% drop in workplace drinking, and an 85% drop in employees wanting to work there anymore.

Bert Kowalski of Waukesha, WI was so impressed by the potential of this technology that he has installed one to monitor his kids’ behavior in the house while he’s at work. He named his robot Margaret. Bert reported that recently his younger daughter insisted she was home alone all day, reading the biography of Abraham Lincoln, but thanks to Margaret’s 20 mega-pixel retinal imaging camera, Bert could see that she had her boyfriend over and they were, well, let’s just say they did not learn much about Abraham Lincoln.

Bert shared that he thought about going into her room for a father-daughter talk on the importance of trust, but that seemed an inefficient use of his time. Instead, thanks to Margaret, Bert was able to lecture her from the comfort of his bed while watching the Milwaukee Brewers game on TV.

Or at least he thought I could do that. Turns out Bert’s wife lectured him about privacy rights and told him never to do it again. How did she know that Bert had done it, we asked? Bert relied, “Turns out Margaret is a snitch. Damn.”

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Posted in Biz News, Science & Technologizzy1 Comment

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now.

Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees – unseasonably high for early January. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology1 Comment

Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches

Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches

CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.”

According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage, “Installing iOS 7 on your phone is like getting an entirely new phone, but one with which you’re already completely exasperated. It’s like an old friend with a new drug problem: truly astounding!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

What Penguins Look Like on Casual Friday (comic)

What Penguins Look Like on Casual Friday (comic)

I Googled this before I drew it, and sure enough, there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot out there showing what penguins might look like out of their tuxedos. Turns out, at least according to my comic, that it’s because they don’t look terribly good that way. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Environment0 Comments

It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm.

Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: “is this the best you can do?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment1 Comment

Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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Posted in Health, Science12 Comments

WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.”

The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to narrow his latest illness down to one of the two diseases after nearly an hour of careful research. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science0 Comments

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

PALO ALTO, CALIF — In a recent Pew Research Center study, a reported 10% of Facebook users are oblivious to the fact that other people can see what they write.

The study alleges that of that 10% of naive morons, 50% are systematically confusing “statuses” with “private messages,” 35% are utterly uncertain about what a “facebook” is exactly, and the remaining 15% are simply illiterate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology1 Comment

How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh?

Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even though it’s just a setup for a series of jokes at the expense of hipsters… well, at least they’re not real people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Science1 Comment

“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual.

For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual. But then, since the 1970’s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Society1 Comment

How the Scan-Tron Actually Got Its Name (comic)

How the Scan-Tron Actually Got Its Name (comic)

We’ve all been there. You had to use a #2 pencil, as if any other option was available at the store, and fill in the bubbles completely.

But do you know the origin of the test? Do you know how it actually got its name? The answer may surprise you.

The answer may also not surprise you. It’s kind of up to you.

This is a preface to tomorrow’s comic Myths No Match for Wikipedia, Despite Wikipedia.

39-scant-ron

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Posted in Comics, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Religionism1 Comment

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