Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa isn’t pulling any punches this Christmas.

China was bad. REAL bad.

Executing thousands of people for economic, social, political, drug crimes. Then selling their organs. Making the families of the deceased pay for the bullets.

Oppressing Tibetans and Uighurs and anyone else they happen to have under their thumbs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Health0 Comments

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Whew! That was that a close call. There was a point earlier this week when I thought I might never see my kids again. Worse yet, I feared that my final blog post might be last week’s lame rant about Sarah Palin.

How humiliating. I live in Seattle, and for the past ten days, the entire city has been hunkered down in the grips of an arctic blast so bone-chillingly cold that most of us wondered if we’d ever again be able to venture outdoors in December in flip flops and shorts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest0 Comments

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

This Christmas, you might notice something a little different when you look up into the sky and see Santa and his reindeer in flight delivering presents to children all over the world.

In an unprecedented partnership, global shipping giant FedEx® has agreed to become the official sponsor of Santa Claus.

For years, financial analysts have been puzzled with how Santa’s operation could remain profitable with labor and production costs continuing to skyrocket. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, World News0 Comments

Theory Universe Just A Hologram “Really Messes With Peoples Heads”

Theory Universe Just A Hologram “Really Messes With Peoples Heads”

An article in the Huffington Post (Science section, Dec. 12) titled ‘Is The Universe A Hologram? Physicists Say It’s Possible’ is causing queasiness amongst many in the world, especially those in a perpetual state of pot induced highness.

Our intrepid reporter went on the scene to find the reactions to this revelation amongst space travelers of another sort.

“Wow, man, that is just too much!” stated James Harbrush, trying hard to focus his dilated eyes on the microphone I had before his face. “Is that thing a gerbil?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Science2 Comments

“Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

“Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

Old Man Winter has reportedly turned over operational control of the winter season to his son, Biff according to sources close to the personification of nature.

Citing health issues, Old Man Winter made the announcement in late November and his overly ambitious son has wasted no time in establishing complete control over the frigid manifestation.

After first declaring himself president and CEO of Winter, Inc. Biff Winter called a news conference early this morning to confirm that he indeed has the reins of all daily operations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Environment10 Comments

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.

Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.

“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Science & Technologizzy5 Comments

Smart Phones Turn their Users into A#$holes, Researchers say

Smart Phones Turn their Users into A#$holes, Researchers say

Dateline: BERKELEY– While many Americans are reeling from the news that the NSA is spying on their locations by tracking their mobile devices, social scientists are concerned about a more existential threat: those devices are turning people into a#$holes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos4 Comments

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Words alone cannot describe the wonderfulness of Sheldon Cooper.

The main star of the television series ‘The Big Bang Theory’ has set the new bar high for all those nerdists who will surely follow in his footsteps hereafter.

He is the penultimate geek, the very pinnacle of nerdism that is humanly possible outside of becoming a cyborg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Television12 Comments

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

O’AHU, HAWAII — Researchers in Hawaii have uncovered a World War II-era submarine sandwich inside the island’s only 7-Eleven store location.

The sub, known in the early 1940s as a “Spam-n-Depression Special” is made up of mostly Spam, lettuce and iron ore.

RIGHT: An historical photograph of a similar sandwich in its prime, ca. 1941. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Science4 Comments

Yuppies Demand That Science Classify Themselves Seperate Species

Yuppies Demand That Science Classify Themselves Seperate Species

Yuppies, those demi-gods who live amongst us mere mortals do have a hard go of it. They, by their very existence, are refined creatures so much better than you or I who are mere mortals suckling the earth for survival.

We, the minions who have to go out every day to earn their salt doing those awful jobs to survive and to keep society going are obvious not cut from the same cloth as these modern wonders of refinement, enriched mentalities and superior careers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science1 Comment

Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

Innovar Products LLC has something for every taste this holiday season. It’s a grill that cooks up your favorite steaks, burgers and even veggie burgers, with 100% natural gas reclaimed from renewable sources.

“It’s the greenest thing this side of grass,” says Jason Holmesworth, marketing director for Innovar. “Methane is the leading greenhouse gas. We’re capturing it in a natural, non-invasive way, and selling it to eco-friendly consumers.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Toy Mandibles Empower Weak-Jawed Masses

Toy Mandibles Empower Weak-Jawed Masses

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—There’s a hot new product that’s flying off the shelves. It’s called Gravitas Jaws and it consists of a crude plastic mandible bone that’s worn over your lower jaw like a beard, except that this piece of plastic has the power to force everyone to take you seriously for no good reason. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

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