Glossy News Exclusive: Sean Hannity’s Secret… That Everybody Already Knows

Washington, DC- For most Americans, Sean Hannity is known as a fiery conservative mouth piece who nightly uses his influence to stoke the fires of division, with the subtlety and nuance of a sloppy wet fart. But behind those pearly white capped teeth, that perfectly coiffed hair piece, and that ‘more square than square’ jaw line, Sean Hannity is hiding a terrible secret.

“His mouth smells like a butt hole,” Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace confided to me last week as we sipped Bloody Mary’s and nibbled on Gorgonzola cheese. “It’s why the bulk of his interviews take place via satellite. Most guests say yes to an in studio visit the first time they’re invited… But rarely do they say yes a second time.”

Among friends and colleagues, this is the worst kept secret in television.

“Oh it’s absolutely true,” The Ingraham Angle host, Laura Ingraham admitted via text. “Originally when the network approached me with the concept of a prime time show, the idea was for Tuck(er) (Carlson) to come on at 8:00, then me at 9:00, then Sean at 10:00.  The thought was that an intelligent woman sandwiched between two blowhards would balance out the evening.  People always forget that I broke into politics as a speech writer for Ronald Reagan, and that I’ve also clerked for an Appellate Judge, and for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, before my career as a journalist… The expectation was that I would bring political bonafide’s that neither host could claim.  In theory it was a great idea…”

“But?”

“We did a trial run, and it didn’t go well. You see, the Fox News “Prime Time” Studio is designed in such a way that the sets for the evening line up are literally lined up in the order of their time slot. So Special Report with Bret Baier is the first studio, followed by Martha MacCallum, then Tuck, then me, then Sean, and finally Shannon (Bream). I arrived for my trial show like I would a normal broadcast; forty five minutes before broadcast for hair, make-up and sound check. I poked my head into Tuck’s studio on the way to mine, caught a whiff of something that smelled like athlete’s foot, and decided to move on. Next, I dropped by Sean’s studio just to say hello (knowing that he usually arrives four to five hours before his show to get ready), and that’s when I caught the scent of raw sewage. I thought that I could escape the smell by going into my own studio… but I was wrong.  Apparently the ventilation for the two studios is pumped into that studio.  After an hour of nonstop vomiting, I gave my producer an ultimatum. Either move me to another studio, or I’m moving to another network.”

“So they moved you to another studio?”

“Correct. The catch was that I’d have to move my show to the time slot that corresponded with the studio. It took maintenance over two months, and twenty nine coats of paint to get the port-a-potty smell out of that room. On really hot days, you can still catch a faint scent.”

Former Speaker of the House, and long time Fox News contributor Newt Gingrich agreed with his colleagues, but didn’t seem to think of the issue as a problem. “Honestly, besides Sean’s hairpiece, I happen to think that his breath is his second best quality. Sure it smell’s like Satan’s taint, but Sean wins a lot of debates that way… mainly due to attrition. Most people would rather just concede the point then continue to let him open his mouth over and over again. It’s a technique that dates back to longtime radio host Rush Limbaugh. Rush may have started it, but Sean has perfected it.”

Host Tucker Carlson agreed with Gingrich. “We all went to the Rush Limbaugh School of Journalism, and the first thing they teach you there is to take charge of your breath. Depending on what kind of journalism you are participating in… that will determine the “quality and condition” of your breath. Those journalist that conduct legitimate interviews, people like Barbara Walters or Ellen DeGeneres, typically have very nice smelling breath. It entices the person they interview to listen up, and to provide answers freely. When you are a talking head trying to steamroll your guests, the strategy is different. Viewers don’t watch shows like mine to hear the opinion of the guests, they tune in to hear the host wax political, then go off on a partisan rant. For host’s like me, you bring the worst breath you can. I’ve found that chewing on a dirty gym sock is the best way to accomplish this. As for Sean, well… He’s the best at what we do.  I don’t know his secret, per se, but I’m pretty sure there’s a reason you find him lingering around the men’s room when he isn’t busy with his show.”

I caught up with Sean Hannity and asked him for his secret. Unfortunately the moment he opened his mouth I began to dry heave, and was forced to leave the room to vomit.  If you are reading this Sean, please text me the answer, and I will update my post.  At the time of this posting, I have yet to received a reply.

 

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA.

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