MBS Claims Other Leaders Are ‘Racist Hypocrites’ As He Flees From G20 Summit

Buenos Aires, Argentina- Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) lashed out at world leaders, calling out Argentina and the US in particular, as he boarded a plane for Saudi Arabia at the conclusion of the G20 Summit on Sunday.  MBS’ Boeing 767 took flight just ahead of Argentinian authorities who were in pursuit, armed with arrest warrants accusing the Prince of human rights violations.

“Those who decided not to engage this weekend are hypocrites for giving me the snub,” MBS shouted from the steps of his waiting plane. “They act like their countries have never fouled up an assassination before. I’m sorry that we botched the cover up, but we’re not the first ones to do this.  If I’d have been a white European leader, this whole thing would have been a nonstarter.  Remember, he (Khashoggi) was a Saudi, too! See the double standard? It’s racist.”

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Scarily Innovative! ‘Clean Coal’ & ‘Safe Lead’ Head US Panel at Next Week’s UN Climate Talks

Washington, DC- Acting EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler announced on Friday, the White House would hold a panel on clean technology during the annual U.N. climate talks in Poland next week.

“We will be featuring a number of green technologies at next week’s meeting. I have been working with White House staffers on this presentation for a number of months now, and believe this is an important subject to discuss on the international stage. For the last decade we’ve seen a dramatic decline in the use of coal around the world, and the President wants that trend to stop,” the former coal industry lobbyist told reporters from the steps of the William Jefferson Clinton Building. Read more Scarily Innovative! ‘Clean Coal’ & ‘Safe Lead’ Head US Panel at Next Week’s UN Climate Talks

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DeVos Proposes to Make Education Great… Again

Washington, DC- Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos cast all doubt aside as to where she stands on the issue of student debt, after issuing a harsh rebuke against students enrolled in government backed student loan programs; in a press conference on Tuesday morning at the annual Federal Student Aid Training Conference in Atlanta!

“These recipients of student loans are crippling the economy. The current student debt is nearly $1.5 trillion, which is about one-third of the government’s entire balance sheet. With nearly 20 percent of these loans delinquent or in default, it is time that the government steps in and protects our financial interests,” she told a gathering of nearly 5,000 financial aid professionals.


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White House Releases New Press Corps Rules

Washington, DC- Fresh off a U.S. District Court ruling that forced the Trump Administration to return the press pass of CNN chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced new rules of conduct for reporters on Tuesday.

“Should you refuse to follow these rules in the future, we will take action in accordance with the rules set forth above. The President is aware of this decision and concurs,” Huckabee Sanders read from a prepared statement.

“We will be distributing the new rules to members of the press corps, and will be posting the rules at various locations throughout the White House. Please take note; this is a zero tolerance policy. The White House does not condone acts of violence and abuse, and any future incidents will result in revocation of credentials,” the Press Secretary told reports. “As representatives of the most prestigious position in the free would, we expect members of the press corps to operate with a degree of decorum and to show the President and his representatives the respect they deserve as such.”

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Mistaken Identity Possible Cause of ‘Orange Julius’ Mall Riot In Florida

(Part 3 of 3)

Central, Fl- Strange accounts are emerging this afternoon, after Central Police released three people suspected of participation in a riot Friday night which lead to a four hour ordeal that ended with teargas,numerous arrests, injuries and the destruction of a recently installed Orange Julius Kiosk at the Sunset Mall. According to the Orange Julius Official Website, the kiosk was a Prototype, one of three in existence.

In an exclusive interview, I spoke with one of those suspects, Jannie Freeborn, a mother of three from Washburn, Fl, about the events of that evening. This interview has been edited for the purpose of flow.

“Jannie, can you tell me what happened at the Sunset mall on Friday?” Read more Mistaken Identity Possible Cause of ‘Orange Julius’ Mall Riot In Florida

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Secret Service Investigate Florida ‘Orange Julius’ Mall Riot

(Part 2 of 3)

Central, Fl- Federal authorities, including members of the FBI and the Secret Service, have apparently joined the laundry list of law enforcement agencies investigating a riot that took place at the Sunset Mall Friday evening.

Early Sunday morning a caravan of six unmarked SUV’s were spotted entering the mall parking lot, which at the time of this article’s publishing, remains off limits to the public.

Local authorities have round up at least a dozen suspects, including one man, Wilmont Clemmons, whom eyewitnesses say, was the chief instigator in a rampage that resulted in the destruction of an Orange Julius kiosk, and led to the hospitalization of at least twenty people. Read more Secret Service Investigate Florida ‘Orange Julius’ Mall Riot

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Florida Man Vs. Orange Julius Kiosk

(Part 1 of 3)

Central, Fl- Central Police were forced to break out the riot gear, after violence erupted inside a suburban mall early Friday night. Wilmont Clemmons, 33, of Clear, Fl was booked on charges of Disturbing the Peace, Destruction of Private Property, and Incitation of a Riot, early Saturday morning according to a police spokesperson.

Witnesses say Clemmons, a mall employee who worked at The Sports Chalet, was completely unprovoked when he “smashed an Orange Julius Kiosk with baseball bat, after appearing to argue with (the kiosk) for quite a few minutes.”

“He encouraged others to join in… many did,” said patron John Stevens who leaned against an ambulance with his arm in a makeshift sling hours after the dust had settled. “Lots of us tried to run, but we got trampled by people rushing towards the commotion, like they wanted to get a better view. It was absolute chaos… they were animals.”

What set Clemmons off, seems to be a question that nobody can answer. According to his girlfriend, who spoke candidly on the condition that we didn’t print her name, Clemmons had just returned to work from a two week trip to his family’s cabin in upper Louisiana, where he spent his time “hunting and blowing shit up.” Read more Florida Man Vs. Orange Julius Kiosk

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Tucker Carlson Declares War Against Color…  Specifically Blue

Washington, DC- Viewers of Fox News Networks Tucker Carlson Tonight have grown accustomed to the prime time host’s fiery brand of socially driven commentary, since his show replaced the popular O’Reilly Factor earlier this year.

Carlson proved to the world that he wasn’t just another partisan mouthpiece when he leveled accusations of political bias against fellow Fox host, and meteorologist, Rick Reichmuth during a segment on last Wednesday’s show.

The two Fox personalities had seemed to bond throughout the segment while they discussed issues like global warming, and their shared aversion to the outdoors; but as the topic moved to Hurricane Willa, the two hosts nearly came to blows. Read more Tucker Carlson Declares War Against Color…  Specifically Blue

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Jeff Flake May Return to Senate in 2020

Phoenix, AZ- Recently re-elected Arizona Governor, Doug Ducey (R-AZ), told members of the press on Friday that he would not rule out Jeff Flake (R-AZ) as a possible successor to current stand-in Senator, John Kyl (R-AZ), who took over the Senate seat of John McCain (R-AZ), who passed away earlier this year after a battle with a brain tumor.

“I am aware that Senator Flake chose not to run for re-election this term because of the political climate,” the Governor said from the steps of the capitol building. “That being said, political winds have a tendency to change directions without warning. Ideally, I’d love to go with Martha (McSally (R-AZ)), but after her recent defeat, I think that it would be irresponsible not to at least keep one “moderate” candidate on standby, just in case the winds shift towards pragmatism and bipartisanship. According to Jon (Kyl), he plans on stepping down after the 2019 congressional term, so we’ve got some time before we have to make that decision.” Read more Jeff Flake May Return to Senate in 2020

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Revenge Of The Seth

Pre-Summer Bummer

Clear, FL- “Authorities have no leads at this time, and the student body is obviously very disappointed,” Clear County Superintendent of Schools, Denise Tasker told reporters from the steps of James Marsden High School on Monday morning. “I know how much these kids have been looking forward to this year’s Bottle Smosh, and for this to happen two days before the event… it is devastating.”

Monday morning, police were dispatched to the suburban Central Florida campus, after administrators arrived to find that thousands of glass bottles housed at the onsite Recycling Center had been destroyed over the weekend.

“This is a major bummer,” student director of Recycling, Trevor Campbell told me after the press conference. “For the last two years, our Recycling Program has organized the Bottle Smosh. On the last day of the school year, students sign up to run through the Smosh Course, throwing bottles at designated targets throughout our warehouse facility. A panel of judge’s awards each participant a score based on targets hit, time of completion, and level of enthusiasm. At the end of the event, we gather the broken glass, and put it on the big scales, then award the student who guessed closest to the weight, a hundred dollar gift card to the Salvation Army. Last year we gathered over three tons of glass. And this year it actually looked like we were going to shatter that number.”

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Trump Administration Unveils ‘Brand New’ Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Washington, DC- In what will surely go down as one of the most bizarre press conferences in recent memory; White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced both her plans to step down as the official mouth piece of the Trump Administration in January, and introduced the woman who will be her successor… Sarah HUCKabee Sanders 2.0.

Members of the press were visibly shocked when a holographic representation of Huckabee Sanders ‘stepped’ out from behind a curtain at the rear of the stage, and joined the Press Secretary on stage.

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Long-Shot Candidate Proposes Four Ball Legislation to Counter Unfair Three Strikes Law

Walnutport, PA – Political newcomer and long-shot candidate for Pennsylvania’s 7th congressional district, Rona De Maritius (D-PA), on Tuesday, announced plans to introduce a controversial piece of legislation in the House, should she emerges victorious in next week’s midterm election.

The bill, tentatively dubbed The Four Balls Measure, is the candidates answer to the state’s current three strikes law, which was enacted in 1995. “Systemic racism has been a part of America’s penal system for far too long,” the candidate told supporters at a rally in Walnut Port, the night before. “These so call “super-predator” laws have unfairly targeted minority segments of the population since they became popular in the 1990’s. It is my hope that this legislation will help to even the playing field for those who have been unfairly targeted or harassed by police in the past. It stands to reason, if a citizen is “out” after three strikes, then he should be considered “safe,” after four balls. If the rule is good enough for baseball, then it stands to reason that it’ll be good enough for citizens of Pennsylvania.”

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Opinion: The Hidden Benefits of Trumps Proposed Birthright Citizenship Policy

Washington, DC- On Tuesday, President Donald Trump turned up the volume on his immigration rhetoric and left his fellow Republicans holding a big bag of shit, after he announced “plans” to amend the Citizenship Clause of the 14th Amendment, by way of an executive order.

Trump sycophant, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), was adamant in his support of the Presidents announcement, and has indicated he will “introduce legislation along the same lines as the proposed executive order.”

“Finally, a president willing to take on this absurd policy of birthright citizenship. I’ve always supported comprehensive immigration reform – and at the same time- the elimination of birthright citizenship,” Graham tweeted.

House Speaker Paul Ryan was less supportive, “You cannot end birthright citizenship with an executive order. As a conservative, I’m a believer in following the plain text of the Constitution, and I think in this case the 14th Amendment is pretty clear.”
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Fox News Host Carlson Accuses Meteorologist of Political Bias

Washington, DC- Conservative political commentator Tucker Carlson surprised viewers when he leveled accusations of political bias against Fox News Senior Meteorologist and weekend cohost of Fox and Friends, Rick Reichmuth, during a segment on Tucker Carlson Tonight, last Wednesday night.

For the last segment of the broadcast, Carlson brought in Reichmuth to discuss the effects of Hurricane Willa, which made landfall on the west coast of Mexico, late Tuesday evening. For the first half of the segment, the two hosts appeared amicable as they discussed “the global warming hoax,” accusing both liberal groups and scientists of having a conflict of interest when it came to environmental issues.

“Obviously these people have a vested interest in climate change,” a furious Carlson told his viewers.

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Mexican President Elect Proposes Plan to Fund Border Wall

Mexico City, Mexico- Mexico’s President-elect, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, announced plans to fund construction of a border wall separating Mexico and the United States, in a joint press conference with CEOs from online job search websites Monster.com, Indeed.com, and Ziprecruiter.com, Friday morning.

“We are proud to announce that the United Mexican States, in partnership with our friends at Monster.com, Indeed.com, and Ziprecruiter.com, have finalized plans to construct a brand new wall spanning the length of our northern border, starting next year,” the President-elect told reporters from the steps of the capitol.  “We are excited to finalize this deal.  We believe this plan will provide a blue print for other nations with similar security concerns, moving forward.”

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