Gwyneth Paltrow Announces Male Focused Goop Spin Off

https://pixabay.com/users/aitoff-388338/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1333509

Brentwood, CA- On Thursday, Academy award winning actress, singer, author, businesswoman, and self-styled wellness guru, Gwyneth Paltrow joined her ex-husband Chris Martin, lead singer and co-founder of the band Coldplay, to announce plans for a joint business venture that will focus on male wellness and lifestyle.  The company will be marketed as a spin-off of Paltrow’s popular lifestyle brand, Goop, and will go by the brand name Poop: Male Lifestyle Enhancement Products.  It was also announced that actor Don Johnson will serve as the companies first spokesperson and brand ambassador.  Johnson is the father of Martin’s girlfriend, actress Dakota Johnson, and will be prominently featured in an international advertising campaign set to launch in early April.

“After the resounding cultural and economic success of Goop, I approached Chris to see if he would be interested in teaming up to launch a male branded version of the company,” Paltrow told members of the media. “Chris was extremely excited about the idea, as he was already an avid user of Goop products. It was Dakota who suggested we bring Don onboard as the company’s spokesman.”

Martin seemed particularly excited, telling media members, “I’ve always been a fan of Goop products. Unfortunately, most Goop products are designed specifically for a female’s anatomy, not a man’s.  As a male user of Goop products, this has been at times, um… problematic. A vagina crystal, no matter how well it’s been designed, and regardless of its spiritual benefits, was never intended to be shoved up a man’s butt hole. The contours are all wrong.  So, unless you own an industrial vat full of Vaseline like I do, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary discomfort.”

Don Johnson, who did not attend the press conference, released a statement on Shitter immediately following the announcement:

https://pixabay.com/

“I’m so proud of my partnership with Gwen and Chris. Incredibly excited to be the first face of Poop: Male Lifestyle Enhancement Products. Many of my followers will be surprised to see me endorsing a company known as much for its faux new age products as it is for it’s condescending tone and overt appeal to elitist types; but I can assure you I’m doing this of sound mind and under my own volition.”

https://pixabay.com/

“Contrary to my image as a rugged, manly man; I have been a long time practitioner of detoxifying cleanses and alternative self-care products. I’m just glad to be part of a company that understands the world is full of stupid people, male and female alike, who are willing to pay exorbitant prices for products that don’t really do anything; other than advertise how woke the user is. This is fucking awesome!” 

The first products sold under the Poop: Male Lifestyle Enhancement Products brand will be rebranded, male specific versions of some of Goops most popular items including:

POOPS I DID IT AGAIN– This four part cleanse product has been designed to help give men the best at home enema experience on the market. Kit includes: Silk-Milk Softening Rod, Rectal Serum Solution, BarStool Mixing Solution, Lavender Fart Juice, and three reusable Applicators. Retail Price $55.00

BALLS IN THE ERROR– Are your balls lacking the sag and elasticity of your youth? This crème product has been infused with antioxidants (beta-carotene, vitamin C, and vitamin D) and secret Chinese ingredients to restore, plumpness, sheen, and dangle. Retail Price $109.00

THE DARK CRYSTAL– Want to unlock your goddness powers and align your Male Specific Chakras? This specially designed Anal Crystal will help men tap into their feminine side while aligning their Ass and Cock Chakras. Now you can stop using your wife’s Vagina Crystal, and use the only Internal Body Crystal on the market specifically designed for a man’s needs. Retail Price $1450.00

THE MALE-VIE TRAINER– This revolutionary device makes working your pelvic floor incredibly easy, surprisingly fun, and best of all… it feels really, really good. Patented Long Straw feature allows the pelvic floor to be easily accessed through the anus opening. Enable the Bluetooth feature, and track all of your progress right on your IPhone. Some assembly required. Retail Price $399.00

COCK STRAW– Have you and your loved one been trying to get pregnant, but are sick and tired of engaging in the sexual behaviors typically associated with reproduction? If you can relate, this is the product for you. Made from recycled latex, this safe and easy to use product will help extract that precious semen, without having to ever physically engage with your partner. Added bonus…  it’s completely reusable! Retail Price $59.00 each, or $129 for (3) Pack.

For additional product information please visit the Poop: Male Lifestyle Enhancement Website.

Men, do you have any suggestions for products you’d like to see as part of the new Poop: Male Lifestyle Enhancement Line? Are you guilty of “borrowing” your wife’s female lifestyle products for your own use?

No animals were harmed while researching or composing this farticle.

SATIRE WARNING: The preceding content has been designed for entertainment purposes. User discretion is advised.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *