Obituary: Wallace Runnymede (Jonathan Ferguson) Glossy News Editor, 1983-2019


“Dr” Jonathan Ferguson, 1983-2019, was a self-styled ‘renowned intellectual’ and ‘charismatic edgelord’ who falsely claimed to hold 5 PhDs (or 3, or 2, depending on the version you hear), including one from a prominent Polish diploma mill that was so batshit crazy, even the notoriously backward ‘Law and Justice’ Party had to close it down. Despite his professed “hysterical adoration of all things non-neoliberal,” he is rumored to have been deported from Myanmar in April 2013, after urinating on a Buddha statue and singing a pro Joseph McCarthy song, “The Crumbling Walls of Moscow,” very popular in Eurosceptic (and otherwise extremist wingnut) circles. He is widely rumored to be a widely beloved Russian asset, and not so popular Iran Press TV video blogger (what is it with these edgelords and free blogging???) who used to regularly launch DoS attacks against Venezuelan government authorities, by launching nude selfies and GIFs with poorly disguised likenesses of him photoshopped onto the bodies of Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and (weirdly) Friedrich Nietzsche and General Kornilov; the latter two in particular he seems to have a bit of a thing about. He is a heavily closeted pansexual gender-fluid furrie, and is rumored to strongly enjoy 80s pride music, despite unconvincingly claiming to be a serial philanderer (heterosexual, of course). Although he was accused of inappropriate behaviour in a Cornwall farmyard in the early 90s, this was never proven; but it does make his constant references to David Cameron and ‘Piggate’ rather like the proverbial lady who doth protest too much??? In the autumn of 2019, he was found by a long-distance male sex worker lying naked in a pool of whiskey, next to a mangy kitten, with his genitalia stuck in a whiskey bottle. Conspiracy theorists in the local area claim he was murdered by the CIA, but given the kind of batshit tabloid journalists and fringe ‘intellectuals’ who have endorsed him in the past, it’s safe to say it was indeed a suicide.

Graveyard death

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Notice from Baron Byron Lockhart, Esq:

Greetings, dearest chums! Now I daresay I can’t personally vouch for the factual veracity of this information, but it was found on Rational Wiki, a generally reliable source that has I strongly recommend, and my humble nihil obstat is by no means given lightly!

For some perhaps inexplicable end, the article in question appears to have been downgraded to ‘drafts,’  in Rational Wiki, but it would appear a fair enough summation of the matter in question to surmise that whether or not the article is true or not, there is certain material of rather serious interest, not least for those of a more idiosyncratic disposition. No less so, Rational Wiki’s provocative and highly insightful disquistions on the Flat Earth Community and Church of Scientology, no less!  Because frankly speaking, both the latter would tend to bespeak the kind of manical nonsense old Wallace would have himself have been the first to protest any affinity thereto, despite certain notorious protestations to the contrary.

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