Month: October 2014
Marathon Winner Interrogated over Questions about his “Bread & Butter”
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Officials overseeing the 31st Annual Bread N’ Basket Marathon held in downtown Philadelphia had several routine questions for this year’s winner, Breddie Murphy, after the 24-year-old won the race in a record time of 3 baskets and…
“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?
Announcer: As we’re all aware, a president’s appointment of a Supreme Court judge is subject to the approval of the Senate. If the Republicans gain control of the Senate in November, and, if, as a result, Justice Ginsburg decides to…
God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged
It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places… You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes… Although admittedly, the…
Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice
When LaShonda Martinez’s boss first offered to freeze her three-year-old son, the programmer was aghast. “I was all like, you want to do what? But then, once they explained themselves, I was all like, yeah, maybe.” In light of recent…
Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately
The UN Council, sick of the never ending strife in Israel between the Jews and the Arabs, came up with a novel idea for mediating a lasting truce. They employed Buddhists to act as peacekeepers. The Buddhist faith, probably among…
Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto
Frustrated by what they perceive to be the dogmatism both of liberal or secular Muslims on the one hand, and hardcore political Islamists on the other, various factions of moderate political Islamism have released a joint solidarity statement. The statement…
Self-Driving Electric Cars will Soon Be Free, If You Can Afford One
When I add “self-driving” to “electric car”, you may envision a double-unicorn, but these beasts of legend are right around the corner, and they will be damn near free, assuming you can afford one. Elon Musk has announced that “The…
“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”
Last time, I reminded you how much a certain kind of patronising crap about “inspirational” underdogs and under-non-dogs is now big business. Well, now it’s even infected kinda-normal-and-sensible-within-reason religious circles™. That’s right; worshipers at a somewhat moderate/mainline Church™ in Colorado…
Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels
Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves. “The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers…
ISIS: The Autistic Brother of Al-Qaeda
ISIS: The world’s number one autistic brainchild, the same one which refused to continue living with his older brother, Al-Qaeda, is now in some deep trouble with the United States and Russia. After beheading a journalist in the lands of…