It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…
You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…
Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..
And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™.
However, the other day, the roles were reversed. When slicing up a cucumber for a nice, pleasant Eternal-Sunday Lunch, God was at first shocked, and then intrigued, to see a message from All Humanity, cunningly concealed within the vegetable.
The message reads as follows:
Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?
At first, God was wary of this:
My first thought was, hmmmm…. A message from All Humanity concealed within a cucumber? That’s ridiculous. It must be a coincidence. Am I risking falling into confirmation bias, or something? I was pretty sceptical about it; you know, an omniscient being can’t merely accept just anything as true, merely because it sounds plausible.
So… the three of us (well, technically speaking, the one of us ) conferred together, and we were sceptical at first. But in the end, We agreed to make a statement clarifying My position.
Well, we wish to make it clear that anyone who wishes to follow Us is free to do so. Anyone who doesn’t, should be left alone. I am The Truth, and I actually value integrity and honesty from the individuals who are of my own Creation, rather than blind subservience.
However, a Joint Solidarity Statement, signed by various Megachurch Pastors, Ayatollahs, Hardcore Catholics, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Hindutva Fundamentalists, and various assorted Circle-Jerking True Believers™ informs us:
“This is self-evidently a fake. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about God, just because the person speaking is somehow slick and genial; or even because he threatens you with eternal hellfire if you don’t believe him.”
Well… can’t argue with you there. Still, I just wish everybody in this world knew that.