Month: December 2010
Wall Street Whizzes “Said Sorry”, Beg Public for New Nest Eggs
The front page of USA Today announced that ‘Five Wall Street Heavyweights say it’s time to “Get Back Into Stocks!”’ Yes folks, for those of you who are not unemployed or living out of a storage unit, it is time…
US Inmate John Duty “Put Down”, Vet Wishes to Remain Nameless
A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection…
Home Improvement’s Zachary Ty Bryan Sues for More than “Show Sucking”
Home Improvement’s “Brad Taylor”, played by erstwhile interesting sub-celebrity Zachery Ty Bryan, has filed a lawsuit against two partners in “Big Wangs”, a Hollywood sports bar. While analysts think he has better odds of suing for the complete destruction of…
Lab Results Show Hot Dogs Contain Extra Lips, No A**holes
A team of research scientists from Kentucky State University have concluded a year-long study of the average American hot dog to determine once and for all if they are, in fact, made from lips and a**holes. The results indicate that…
Kim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit
Kim Jong Il is said to still be talking about the wonderful visit he had with his “American GI buddy” earlier this month. Those who know Kim Jong Il intimately claim that it was no coincidence that Richardson was chosen…
Cindy McCain’s Chic Haircut Causes Senate Upheaval
PRESCOTT, AZ — GlossyNews.com: Re-elected Sen. John McCain, going on 74, seemed to coast to victory in November, easily beating Tuscon Democrat Rodney Glassman to hang onto his Arizona Senate seat. But his wife’s new chic haircut got major press,…
Pot Tops Booze as Most Popular Adult X-mas Gift this Year
Forget slippers and socks, power tools for the guys and tennis bracelets and earrings for the gals, this year for the first time, marijuana (pot) is the most sought after gift, both for giving and receiving. While spirits and wine…
Jailed Chinese Dissident on Nobel Prize: Thanx F-ing Loads
The Western world was excited this week at news the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to imprisoned Chinese democracy advocate Xi Liang Jing. Media watchers are in consensus on the surprising development. If not for the unfortunately timed…
Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced
Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards. The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already…
God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting
Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front…