Lab Results Show Hot Dogs Contain Extra Lips, No A**holes

A team of research scientists from Kentucky State University have concluded a year-long study of the average American hot dog to determine once and for all if they are, in fact, made from lips and a**holes. The results indicate that hot dogs do indeed contain pig lips but the scientists could find no trace of a**holes.

KSU received a grant last year in the amount of $1.2 million dollars to conduct the study on standard hot dogs winning out over grant applications by Colorado State University for the study of mating habits of the Colorado River piranha, and that of the University of Maryland’s request for $4 million dollars to develop the world’s tastiest crab cake.

Ever since the movie “The Great Outdoors,” where the character played by Dan Akroyd assures the character played by John Candy that hot dogs are made from lips and a**holes, many people have wondered if this claim is true or if it was just something made up by the writers of the movie.

Fortunately for the scientists who requested this piece of pork (no pun intended) from Senator Mitch McConnell, they did so just in the nick of time as McConnell has now pledged to no longer pack spending requests such as this study into highly controversial pieces of legislation.

However, everyone agrees that this was a very important study. No longer will hot dogs carry the stigma of being made from unsavory parts of a pig. Said one study participant, “Knowing that I just ate something made from pig lips is much easier to swallow than not knowing if any portion of the hot dogs I ate contained bungieholes. What a difference in taste when you know exactly what you are eating.”

Unfortunately, due to McConnell’s promise to no longer pack pork into spending bills, we may never know exactly what it is we are eating in those Vietnamese spring rolls.

Editor’s Note: The use of the term “Lips and A**holes” comes from the comedic classic “The Great Outdoors,” which folks at Google may not know and which may cause them to deem this particular article offensive to the general public. If they have a problem with this, we will be more than happy to change the word a**hole to anus cavity or any other appropriate replacement.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at