Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami

Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami

MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Continue Reading

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North Korea To Recycle Kim

North Korea To Recycle Kim

PYONGYANG, North Korea —GlossyNews The government of North Korea announced on Thursday that it would place the embalmed body of recently passed Kim Jong-il on permanent display next to his father’s body at Kumsusan Palace in Pyongyang and install his statues, portraits and memorial Towers of Eternal Life across the country.

Almost as an afterthought, the government quietly revealed that the 3rd member of the Kim family, Kim Jong-un, will be embalmed and deified when he passes on. Just not in the same way as his father and grandfather before him. Rather, the government spokesman said, the current Kim will take the name Kim Chi-un on his death and will be religiously diced and pickled in the same manner as the pungent national dish.

Instead of lying in a perpetual embalmed state, like father and grandfather, Kim Chi-un will be the first deified ruler of the communist country to be consumed by its country’s citizens, allowing his carbon footprint to stay quite low. There is after all, a famine of drastic proportions raging in N. Korea and the new ruler has now decided that he will assume the role of “Savior of The Realm” in a similar manner to what Christ did with his early Christians — it is his wish to become his country’s 21st century savior by feeding the hungry, and not in the 5 fishes/3 loaves manner, but rather a much grander style, KimChi for everyone.

Instead of the Towers of Eternal Life erected for the previous rulers, Kim Chi-un will be honored solely in thousands of restaurants in the country, where their now-sacred stores of kimchi will become altars to the young ruler’s life on earth. Dramatic rituals will be written and prayers developed for the daily deification of Kim Chi-un.

A monthly collection of holy days will be announced and observed beginning in 2013 and by the time Kim Jong-un does die, the various sacred practices will be second nature to the lifestyles of the North Koreans. Consider the coming 30 years or so as practice for the eventual deification. Each citizen will assume the title of “novice” at first, slowly moving up the spiritual ladder to the eventual title of “leader” at the top.

Of course, as he hasn’t yet passed, the multitudes of kimchi that are being made and used will be blessed on an annual basis by the current ruler. This nation-wide blessing process will take up most of his official time. There’s a lot of kimchi being made in Korea these days.

A new department of the government has been established. The agency is entrusted to a group of highly educated men with the sacred work of blessing all the country’s kimchi production. These men will be crowned National Treasures and live a sacred life of ease, with devotion to the kimchi as their calling. When this Kim dies, they will control the continued making of the exclusive and authentic Kim Chi-un for the nation.

Kim Jong-un is reputed to have made many private jokes for his boyhood friends at school in Switzerland about his pickled grandfather, many times using street slang Korean “얼굴 피클 사우어”, which is pronounced “kim chi ill” and vaguely translates to “sour pickle f**ky face” – a howlingly funny double enténdre, especially if you are a Korean teenage boy.

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Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign

Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign

DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. “It’s Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven’t the foggiest idea of where we are.” Continue Reading

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GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews The GOPTea has sent out an amazing alternate proposal to the 50 states, territories and District of Columbia to replace the various GOPTea presidential caucuses and primaries in 2012 with a complicated Rock/Paper/Scissors Contest, or GOPTea–RPS. And it’s winner take all. Continue Reading

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Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81. Continue Reading

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UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils

UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils

Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Continue Reading

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Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke

Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke

SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be able to return home. Mr. and Mrs. Camping expressed their thankfulness for his stroke rehab therapy, saying “all the glory goes to God,” Mrs. Camping continued on Mr. Camping’s behalf, “as Harold’s recovery is in God’s hands and according to His timing.” Continue Reading

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Bachmann Claims Decisive 0.93% Victory in Straw Poll

Bachmann Claims Decisive 0.93% Victory in Straw Poll

AMES, IA —GlossyNews At $30 each, 16,892 Iowans were trucked to Ames for a day of politickin’ (locally it’s called ‘pot lickin’) and BBQ. A grand $506,760 was the total straw vote cash take for the GOPTea in Ames, Iowa on Saturday with their straw poll. The candidates also ponied up $15K each to pitch a tent on the grounds of the poll, pumping another $120K into the coffers. This was confirmed by Matt Strawn, chairman of the Iowa Republican Party and improbably claimed namesake of the poll.

Representative Michele Bachmann claimed her victory in the 2011 Iowa straw poll by less than 1% over Ron Paul, as ‘decisive’.

Forty miles away, in the state’s capitol of Des Moines, Sarah Palin was sitting in her tour bus, eating deep-fried butter on-a-stick at the state fair. She was waiting for news from both Ames and South Carolina. She was trying to guess which would affect her more. She had her recent film running on the laptop and on her big screen TV monitor – Todd had the sound turned up loud.

The Minnesota GOPTea Patriots party is not happy that Bachmann is playing Iowa’s favorite-daughter candidate by reminding Iowans at every turn that she was born in the state and telling anyone who would listen that it’s past time there’s an Iowan in the White House.

“I have always been grateful that I’m an Iowan. Hometown is Waterloo, the home of John Wayne Gacy, where everything I need to know in life I learned growing up as a 7th generation Iowan,” Bachmann told one small group waiting in line to vote in Ames.

“You’d think that she lived in Iowa, and never been our US Representative for 3 terms in Minnesota,” said Amy Freeby, Minnesota GOPTea Patriots spokesperson.

Late evening Saturday, while most political watchers were taking bets on Pawlenty’s early exit Sunday, Bachmann focused on the national campaign and managed to appear on all 5 major Sunday morning programs. They were taped in Iowa on Saturday evening, of course.

“I wish him well. I had great respect for the governor,” Bachmann said moments after it was pre-announced that Pawlenty would announce he was dropping out. “But today is about me and my campaign.”

On the first program she taped for her favorite show Fox News Sunday, she answered the Minnesota GOPTea comment with, “My home state of Minnesota is not known as a conservative bastion, but that’s where I cut my teeth in a political sense, my home state of Minnesota.”

Quickly moving over to the ABC This Week taping 5 minutes later, Bachmann told ABC’s Jake Tapper live, “I think what people see in me is I’m a real person. I’m authentic Iowan. And I think people expect someone like me to go to Washington and represent their home state’s values,” she said. “You can tell Iowans for me Jake, that I am doing just that.”

As quickly as the ABC camera shut down, CBS’s Face the Nation crew exploded on the scene and Bachmann opened with her schedule for the week, “Marcus and I are going one on one from now on, state by state,” she told CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, noting that her campaign was headed for her beloved home state of South Carolina later in the week.

“Then it’s on to New Hampshire, where I grew up, you know I am a 7th generation New Hampshirean on my mother’s side,” she said. When that camera switched off, she turned in her chair to smile at the CNN crew as they clipped on a mic.

Their State of the Union cameras began rolling and she waved to an unseen Washington-based host and said, “What I brag about most in my home state of Minnesota is my upbringing there. My core principles were formed there. You lead from your core principles–that’s how you learn that where you are going is the right direction.”

NBC’s Meet the Press was the last of the tapings on Saturday in Ames. When that camera light went on, Bachmann said, “I think it’s because I’m talking about what the people in my home state of Iowa really care about—turning the economy around and job creation.” She paused for a response to her comment, then continued with:

“Ronald Reagan, my icon, was guided by his core principles, and that’s who will guide my decision making in my presidency in 2012.” she said. “When he was the president, I remember how much I wanted to be with him in the oval office. I wanted to carry his water for him – anything. Now I will have my husband carrying my water.” NBC’s crew shut down their camera and removed the mic from Ms. Bachmann’s lapel.

Talking to no one in particular, Bachmann repeated an answer to a question that she thought she heard being asked. “From the top, leadership starts from the top, the leadership of our country.” No open cameras, no microphones, but she said it anyway.

Finished with the whirlwind of tapings, husband Marcus came from behind the NBC crew truck holding two fine tastes of the Iowa State Fair, deep-fried butter on-a-stick and deep-fried Twinkie on-a-stick. He was planning to give his wife a sweet finish.

No one asked how the food came into his possession.

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Brewing Iowa’s GOPTea Straw Poll

Brewing Iowa’s GOPTea Straw Poll

AMES, IA —GlossyNews The Iowa GOPTea party Straw Poll August 13th will be the more unusual considering the political times it will record. GOPTea Chairman Matt Strawn, one-N-short-of-namesaking the Iowa Straw Poll, announced today that the listing of candidates will be quite unique in 2011, as it will be a ballot with 10 blank name-spaces. Continue Reading

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Bachmann Rewrites Wikipedia on The Gays

Bachmann Rewrites Wikipedia on The Gays

STILLWATER, MN —EBBQ Asked to respond to Jerry Brown’s earth-shaking revelation that “history should be honest,” in relation to California schools educating students about gay culture, Rep. Bachmann quickly announced that she has just recently become personally involved in rewriting the official gay page on Wikipedia, so it will be correct historically. Continue Reading

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Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’

Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’

GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Continue Reading

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GOP Debate: You Went Black, Now Go Back (7 of 7)

GOP Debate: You Went Black, Now Go Back (7 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans debated in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but couldn’t. It’s also OK for anyone who didn’t watch at all to go through this and get a fix on what went down. Continue Reading

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GOP Debate in Review: Come for the Crazy, Stay for the Crazy (6 of 7)

GOP Debate in Review: Come for the Crazy, Stay for the Crazy (6 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy We’re now six-days in on our review of the recent GOP freak show debate. We’re covering seven of the leading Republican Partiers present at the debate in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but just couldn’t do it. It’s also for anyone who didn’t watch who needs the skinny on what went down. Continue Reading

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GOP Debate Recap: Non-Candidates with Non-Answers (5 of 7)

GOP Debate Recap: Non-Candidates with Non-Answers (5 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Even if you haven’t been following our recent series, you may know that recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans masterfully debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even if playing buzzword bingo as a drinking game. For your convenience, Continue Reading

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GOPTea Spins Blame For Burning Southwestern States

GOPTea Spins Blame For Burning Southwestern States

WASHINGTON, DC —BobZaguy GOPTea Gov. Rick Perry of Texas has now officially been accused of causing problems by staging his “Rain Dance Prayer Services” in Texas. Weeks after the Perry Prayers were offered up in Texas, the Eastern and Northern Plains states of the US are awash in rain and flooding. As is California. Continue Reading

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Debate Recap: GOPTea Candidates Non-Debate the Non-Facts (4 of 7)

Debate Recap: GOPTea Candidates Non-Debate the Non-Facts (4 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy All seven of the first round of Republicans met recently to spout extremist sentiments, presumably pandering to the fringes of the Tea Party, and we were lucky enough to witness the event first hand on tape-delayed television.

While two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, we have on offer a shorter distillation of what Continue Reading

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