Prop 8 SCOTUS Vote Jerks GOPTea© Full Circle

Prop 8 SCOTUS Vote Jerks GOPTea© Full Circle

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews There’s a small but rising fear in some GOPTea© circles that if SCOTUS agrees that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, Romney will lose a very effective rallying point for evangelical conservatives. Continue Reading

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Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit

Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit

PITTSBURG, PA –GlossyNews Rick Santorum finally threw his support behind presumptive GOPTea™ nominee Mitt Romney, saying to his supporters, “I strongly encouraged Mitt to add me as the Team Conservative Leader, and I am pleased to say that I will now be an integral, and salaried, partner of his team.” Continue Reading

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Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser

Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser

TRUMP TOWER, NYC —GlossyNews The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground transportation in the Trump vehicle, a personal guided tour and overnight stay at the Trump International Hotel & Tower and have a gourmet dinner with me, Donald Trump. And Mitt, of course. How could I ever forget Mitt? I’m hosting his fundraiser dinner! Continue Reading

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Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

BERLIN, GERMANY —GlossyNews Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into the economy as a sexual stimulant device, an effect that is similar to the use of a dildo – named the “dildo effect”. Continue Reading

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Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting

Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting

BATON ROUGE, LA —EBBQ Newt Gingrich hastily called a press conference after appearing on Sean Hannity’s FOXNEWS telecast.

He said in opening the sparsely attended 2-reporter conference: “I was completely misquoted in my answer to Sean where he said that I had harshly criticized President Obama for his comment on Trayvon Martin’s tragic shooting. Continue Reading

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GOPTea Claims Veep Mittstakes Keep 2012 Election Interesting

GOPTea Claims Veep Mittstakes Keep 2012 Election Interesting

BOSTON, Mass. – EBBQ – The range of the GOPTea™ party’s unrolling Veep list rockets from the absurd to the impractical, borders the impossible and suddenly flips back to the absurd — it’s an endless loop.

Will we get another Palin – Quayle – Kemp? What about another [gasp] Cheney? Who will finally match the power of Etch-a-Mitt™?

Shake, shake, shake your booty. Shake, shake, shake your booty. Continue Reading

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Etch-A-Mitt™ Galvanizes The GOPTea™

Etch-A-Mitt™ Galvanizes The GOPTea™

NORTH WISCONSIN  —GlossyNews  “America hasn’t been working,” Romney said at a recent political rally in north Wisconsin, “…and I believe it’s because they don’t have jobs. Wisconsin is like all the rest of the states. Where have all your jobs gone to, I ask you?”

He continued, “In my quest to become your president, I have been seeking Middle Class endorsements from deep within the nation’s Middle Class. Continue Reading

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VP 2012: Mitt’s Pick gets Nitpicked

VP 2012: Mitt’s Pick gets Nitpicked

ON THE GOPTEA™ TRAIL —GlossyNews Inevitable, unstoppable, charismatic Juggernaut Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney faced heated questioning this week on the issue of VP selection. The name Rand Paul has been surfacing with increased frequency among Romney confidantes, leading some election watchers to speculate whether unholy bargains have been made down at the Crossroads. Continue Reading

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Gingrich Charged With Felonious Photoshopping

Gingrich Charged With Felonious Photoshopping

WASHINGTON DC –GlossyNews Newt Gingrich, politician and part-time front runner in the GOPTea™ presidential race, has been charged with “the gravest, most evil transgression that humanity has ever been subjected to.” An activist group claims Mr. Gingrich has been illegally sending out fundamentally photoshopped images of himself for many years. They present the attached photo as proof of the egregious offense. Continue Reading

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Santorum gets suicidal over teleprompters

Santorum gets suicidal over teleprompters

GOPTEA™ CAMPAIGN TRAIL —GlossyNews Listening to Rick Santorum speak is like listening to him arguing with himself. He keeps arguing and arguing until he realizes he has won. Then he smiles a cheshire cat smile of a grin, and makes a note of his win. Continue Reading

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Former GOP Candidates May Have Been Raptured

Former GOP Candidates May Have Been Raptured

MCLEAN, VA —GlossyNews
The recently announced “early departure” of a 43-year-old right wing political activist and blogger has brought to the forefront an investigation into a viral GOPTea™ campaign that has begun figuratively taking down some big players: Bachmann, Cain, Pawlenty, Perry, Snowe. And the list keeps growing.

Who’s next? A list of names was found in the bottom drawer of a back office desk at the RNC headquarters in McLean, Virginia. Continue Reading

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Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami

Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami

MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Continue Reading

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North Korea To Recycle Kim

North Korea To Recycle Kim

PYONGYANG, North Korea —GlossyNews The government of North Korea announced on Thursday that it would place the embalmed body of recently passed Kim Jong-il on permanent display next to his father’s body at Kumsusan Palace in Pyongyang and install his statues, portraits and memorial Towers of Eternal Life across the country. Continue Reading

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Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign

Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign

DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. “It’s Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven’t the foggiest idea of where we are.” Continue Reading

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GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews The GOPTea has sent out an amazing alternate proposal to the 50 states, territories and District of Columbia to replace the various GOPTea presidential caucuses and primaries in 2012 with a complicated Rock/Paper/Scissors Contest, or GOPTea–RPS. And it’s winner take all. Continue Reading

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Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81. Continue Reading

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UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils

UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils

Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Continue Reading

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Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke

Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke

SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be able to return home. Mr. and Mrs. Camping expressed their thankfulness for his stroke rehab therapy, saying “all the glory goes to God,” Mrs. Camping continued on Mr. Camping’s behalf, “as Harold’s recovery is in God’s hands and according to His timing.” Continue Reading

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