Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards.

The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already busy trying to name it something catchy that ends in ‘gate.’

Senator Fender maintains the death of a woman he considers “a national treasure, a cross between Mother Teresa and Sally Field” seems overly convenient in garnering sympathy for Democrats, post-midterm election defeat. The following potentially damning evidence for Fender’s suspicions was included in the press release:

In the weeks preceding Mrs. Edwards’ abrupt death, several African American males were seen talking together suspiciously in North Carolina. They may have been New Black Panther Party members. There is yet no proof they weren’t.

A guy who looked a lot like Chris Matthews was seen in a Spartanburg, NC Applebee’s on the day of Elizabeth Edwards’ passing.

Democrat Patrick Kennedy refuses to account for his whereabouts the day Mrs. Edwards died. In fact, Mr. Kennedy conveniently claims everything after Labor Day is “pretty fuzzy really.”

Washington waits breathlessly for the January Senate hearings, to learn the dark edges of this far reaching conspiracy envisioned by Senator Fender. The air is so thick on Capitol Hill one could cut it with a knife, if one was allowed to bring a knife to Capitol Hill of course.

Senator Denton ‘Call me Big D son, everybody does’ Fender, who has breath that would stop a carjacking in progress by the way, was more candid this week during an invitation only press event.

“Naw, you have to understand how politics really works. A little red meat for the base; I mean Shirley Temple’s panties son? We all do it, both parties. I don’t actually believe Elizabeth Edwards was murdered. I think she committed suicide to boost Obama’s approval ratings.”

Reached for comment while Christmas shopping at a Duluth Target store, former professional wrestler, talk show host, Minnesota Governor and current star of TruTV’s “Conspiracy Theory” Jesse Ventura was loquaciously verbose in reaction to the Elizabeth Edwards investigation.

“Damn you Fender, damn you Fender! I’ve got ratings goals to hit every week. I’ve got bills to pay. That should’ve been my story.”

And then Mr. Ventura bit the head off a mannequin.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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