Jack and Diane Done: John Mellencamp Divorces

After 4 multi-platinum records, 6 platinum records, three gold records, and a string of four consecutive records that achieved no real status due to high amounts of sucking, John Mellencamp is ending his 20 years marriage, citing “it’s none of your business why.”

Mrs Mellencamp, who is described by her publicist as “a model”, and by everyone else as “a former model”, has yet to comment on the reasons for the separation, but anyone familiar with celebrity have a few good ideas. Read more Jack and Diane Done: John Mellencamp Divorces

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Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery

The Chinese ports of Shanghai and Shenzhen are preparing to unload dozens of giant freighters. The ships are filled to the brim with cash made from selling Americans millions of tons of cheap junk over the Christmas holidays.

Fueled by the flashing bright colors, scantily clad models and pictures of wide-eyed children inherent in American advertising, Americans went all out by scraping cash, debit and credit cards from the bottom of their threadbare pockets in an annual ritual that on the surface looks like it was designed only to preserve China’s economic influence in the world. Read more Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery

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Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

Those who follow NFL apparently know who Dwight Freeney is, even if most of America, and the landlord on his recording studio, haven’t heard a peep from him. He’s being sued for $422,150 in back rent on the studio, a sum as absurd as the idea that he should have such a facility in the first place.

TMZ obtained a copy of the lawsuit. It alleges that Freeney agreed to pay $37,500 in monthly rent for two floors in the famous Edmonds Tower building in Hollywood. Read more Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

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Willow Smith Knows Who Her Daddy Is, Better Have His Money

According to documents filed by Roc Nation, the Jay-Z owned record label of Willow Smith, the hip-hop tween isn’t an artist, which is something anyone who has heard her music would agree. So what is the daughter of Will Smith?

The documents show that Roc Nation entered into agreement with Spooky Girl, Inc. to record the young Miss Smith. Spooky Girl only has one client, Willow, and it only has one owner, a former recording artist by the name of – wait for it – Will Smith. Read more Willow Smith Knows Who Her Daddy Is, Better Have His Money

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Post Office Devises Uniquely Dastardly Ways to “Reduce” Staff

Post Offices across the U.S., faced with the necessity of laying off 40,000 employees, have come up with unique methods of accomplishing this goal.

The administrators at the main distribution center in Denver, Colorado have set up a scam where the employee coffee machines will only dispense ice-cold coffee to its midnight shift. Read more Post Office Devises Uniquely Dastardly Ways to “Reduce” Staff

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail

Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Read more Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

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