Posted in Celebrity Gossip Music

Jack and Diane Done: John Mellencamp Divorces

After 4 multi-platinum records, 6 platinum records, three gold records, and a string of four consecutive records that achieved no real status due to high amounts of sucking, John Mellencamp is ending his 20 years marriage, citing “it’s none of…

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Posted in Biz News

Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery

The Chinese ports of Shanghai and Shenzhen are preparing to unload dozens of giant freighters. The ships are filled to the brim with cash made from selling Americans millions of tons of cheap junk over the Christmas holidays. Fueled by…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Sports Scandals

Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

Those who follow NFL apparently know who Dwight Freeney is, even if most of America, and the landlord on his recording studio, haven’t heard a peep from him. He’s being sued for $422,150 in back rent on the studio, a…

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Posted in Music

Willow Smith Knows Who Her Daddy Is, Better Have His Money

According to documents filed by Roc Nation, the Jay-Z owned record label of Willow Smith, the hip-hop tween isn’t an artist, which is something anyone who has heard her music would agree. So what is the daughter of Will Smith?…

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Posted in Biz News

Post Office Devises Uniquely Dastardly Ways to “Reduce” Staff

Post Offices across the U.S., faced with the necessity of laying off 40,000 employees, have come up with unique methods of accomplishing this goal. The administrators at the main distribution center in Denver, Colorado have set up a scam where…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail

Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill. 1 Tea Bag with string 2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears 2 jiggers VS cognac 1 dash bitter…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Travel

Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list. Mr. Miser, who was…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Media Boycotts Year in Review Stories, “It wasn’t that memorable a year”

In a rare show of solidarity, all news outlets have agreed to cancel ‘Year in Review’ retrospectives for 2010. The late December fluff pieces have long been a staple of American journalism, due in large part to the low skill…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Socialism Is When Corporations Get Bailout Money From the Federal Government

Capitalism is when you blame all the economic woes on Obama.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Octomom May Be Saved by Vivid Entertainment’s Lingering Low-Def Division

TMZ is reporting that Octomom’s Nadya Suleman may not face a second foreclosure, due to her failure to pay her damned bills already. Fans and critics alike agree that she’s a worthless pail of hot garbage, but could this unholy…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Wall Street Whizzes “Said Sorry”, Beg Public for New Nest Eggs

The front page of USA Today announced that ‘Five Wall Street Heavyweights say it’s time to “Get Back Into Stocks!”’ Yes folks, for those of you who are not unemployed or living out of a storage unit, it is time…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

US Inmate John Duty “Put Down”, Vet Wishes to Remain Nameless

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Home Improvement’s Zachary Ty Bryan Sues for More than “Show Sucking”

Home Improvement’s “Brad Taylor”, played by erstwhile interesting sub-celebrity Zachery Ty Bryan, has filed a lawsuit against two partners in “Big Wangs”, a Hollywood sports bar. While analysts think he has better odds of suing for the complete destruction of…

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Posted in Health Human Interest

Lab Results Show Hot Dogs Contain Extra Lips, No A**holes

A team of research scientists from Kentucky State University have concluded a year-long study of the average American hot dog to determine once and for all if they are, in fact, made from lips and a**holes. The results indicate that…

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Posted in World News

Kim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit

Kim Jong Il is said to still be talking about the wonderful visit he had with his “American GI buddy” earlier this month. Those who know Kim Jong Il intimately claim that it was no coincidence that Richardson was chosen…

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Posted in Politics

Cindy McCain’s Chic Haircut Causes Senate Upheaval

PRESCOTT, AZ — GlossyNews.com: Re-elected Sen. John McCain, going on 74, seemed to coast to victory in November, easily beating Tuscon Democrat Rodney Glassman to hang onto his Arizona Senate seat. But his wife’s new chic haircut got major press,…

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Posted in Human Interest

Pot Tops Booze as Most Popular Adult X-mas Gift this Year

Forget slippers and socks, power tools for the guys and tennis bracelets and earrings for the gals, this year for the first time, marijuana (pot) is the most sought after gift, both for giving and receiving. While spirits and wine…

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Posted in Human Interest

Jailed Chinese Dissident on Nobel Prize: Thanx F-ing Loads

The Western world was excited this week at news the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to imprisoned Chinese democracy advocate Xi Liang Jing. Media watchers are in consensus on the surprising development. If not for the unfortunately timed…

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Posted in Crime Politics

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards. The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already…

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Posted in Crime Religionism

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Australian Threatens Entire U.S. With His Publishing Of ‘Secrets”

Damn Rupert Murdoch and his FOX News crap!

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Posted in Biz News

Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”

In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. The move is designed to give Walmart control over the popular holiday and to help shore up the retail giant as being the…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus Bongs are a Hit This Christmas

In this era of economic uncertainty, it’s easy to forget that millionaire child traffickers have it rough sometimes too. So the struggles of Miley Cyrus, Inc. have been a sadly ignored story, supplanted in the news by stuff about families…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Gays in military ask for more fashionable fatigues

Washington, DC – On the high heels of the historic vote to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” openly gay troops are now pushing for the Pentagon to bring in the top fashion designers to create more stylish uniforms. Dubbing it…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

DREAM Act may signal Acronym Deficit

Washington DC is filled with unelected bureaucrats who wield powerful influence behind the scenes, far away from cameras. Glossy News sat down this week with one such powerful, unelected face, retiring Senate Marketing Liaison Bob Barnum. The garrulous, gregarious Barnum…

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