Tag Archive | "fox news"

Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When asked what exactly led to his change in opinion, Christopher Jackson said, “I lost my fucking job!” Read the full story

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New Conservative Book: Everything We Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten


The Republican Party in conjunction with FOX News is celebrating their collaborative publishing effort, a new book called ‘Everything We Need To Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten’. Its publication has started such a buying frenzy among their constituents who can read that it rivals the success had by the coming out of Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rogue’. The pundits of both groups are partying like it’s 1899. Read the full story

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Experts Predict Growth in Prediction Sector


Boca Raton, FL (GlossyNews) The Association for Pseudo-Intellectual Predictions held its annual conference in Boca Raton, Florida this weekend. Attendance was much higher than event organizers had anticipated.

Keynote speaker Adam Lambert delivered an optimistic yet cautionary tone to the assembled APIP members. Reading from stuff written on his hand Mr. Lambert said, “Yes these are the golden days for the worthless prediction industry. Read the full story

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GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign


KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He could generate greater outreach through politics.

He referred to Barack Obama’s success as His inspiration. After American voters, in defiance of history, accomplished the seemingly impossible task of electing a black president, organizers for the “Christ 2012 – It’s Not the End of the World” campaign also thought they could pull off a miracle by getting a notoriously ethical man nominated to the highest office in the land. Read the full story

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Bill O’Reilly Welcomes Conan O’Brien To FOX


LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Bill O’Reilly, whom Jon Stewart recently praised as FOX network’s “voice of reason,” welcomed former NBC talk show host Conan O’Brien to FOX last night. In a pre-recorded segment that aired during The O’Reilly Factor, the show’s namesake reminded his audience that O’Brien once worked for FOX as a writer for The Simpsons, before “that unfortunate marijuana business.” Read the full story

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NRA Pushes For Personal Atom Bomb For Every American


The National Rifle Association unleashed its new campaign to allow all American citizens “their God-given rights to own an atom bomb!” The public is being bombarded with television, newspaper, movie and billboard ads pushing the new ‘right’ that the NRA feels should be passed through Congress. Already the Fox News channel has picked up the baton and is aggressively pushing for legalization of individual possession. Read the full story

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Fox Employee Threatens Suit over Roger Ailes’ Excessive Flatulence


A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company. Read the full story

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Fox News Searches For the New ‘Rwanda Effect’ Effect


Fox News, in its never ending search for more fuel to stoke its listener’s fires, has hired a crack team of psychologists, sociologists, media gurus and general psychopaths to help them find and exploit the ‘Rwanda Effect’.

The Rwanda Effect is the name of a phenomena related to the incendiary radio broadcasts that set off the massacre of members of the Tutsis tribe by the Hutu tribe in 1994 in the African nation of Rwanda. Two radio stations were notorious for barraging their listeners Read the full story

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Virulent Rabies Outbreak At Fox News


A virulent outbreak of rabies was reported today at Fox News Headquarters. The horrible madness inducing disease appears to have spread through the top hosts of the station, then been transmitted to station employees and, strangely, even to their listeners. The initiation of the epidemic seems to have started with Sean Hannity who, in the middle of his show, started foaming at the mouth.

“This was nothing unusual with him.” stated Red Bigneck. Read the full story

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The Real Reason Rush Limbaugh Was In The Hospital In Hawaii


A new insight into Rush Limbaugh’s mysterious recent hospitalization has come to light. Originally reported as being a possible heart attack, it now appears that Mr. Limbaugh actually got a pummeling.

Just ‘happening’ to be in Hawaii at the same time as President Barack Obama, it turns out that Limbaugh was actually part of a plot to make sure that the President never got a moments rest from Fox News’ endless anti-Obama onslaught. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Becomes Climate Change Expert at Fox News


BREAKING NEWS – Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and none can wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, dontacha know that you can see Russia from her house. Read the full story

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Palin Signs Deal With Fox News…Then Quits.


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Fox News Signs Bristol Palin as Jr. Political Correspondent


Following the heels of her famous mother, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin has reportedly been offered a Jr. Political Correspondent position at Fox News for an undisclosed salary.

Fox News would not confirm or deny the news, but instead offered this statement, “until we can confirm or deny this news, we cannot confirm or deny that Bristol Palin will be joining our news team as a Jr. Political Correspondent for the sole purpose of reporting on her mother, Sarah Palin’s, unconfirmed run for President in 2012.”

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Newscasters Appeal to FBI to Create Easy Nicknames for Terrorists


The latest attempt at terrorism by Nigerian nationalist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallabhas, is the straw that broke the camel’s back in America’s newscasting business. In a rare show of agreement between the top media outlets, news commentators from every major prime time and cable news program, excluding PBS, has asked the FBI, CIA and other law enforcement and governmental spokespersons to create shorter nicknames for terrorists as soon as any new terrorist threat or action is leaked to the news. Read the full story

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Fox News Group Leads in Dumbing Down America


Results of a preliminary study conducted by the Institute for the Dumbing Down of America (IDDA), Fox News Group has come out way ahead of any other television network news provider as having phenomenal success in creating misinformed, less intelligent human beings over the past ten years.

According to Dr. Bo Gusfindings, “folks who have been getting their news from shows such as The Glenn Beck Show, Read the full story

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The War on Kwanzaa


I went into a Kroger’s today, and not one person wished me a Fruitful Kwanzaa….when i went to the WalMart to pick up some tasty steaks, again, not one Fruitful Kwanzaa….what is up with that? Have we come to such a place in this country that chain stores are so afraid of “political correctness” that they tell their employers not to wish anyone a Fruitful Kwanzaa and replace it with the Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays greeting instead?

I called Fox Noise and told them this was another example of political correctness run amok, and they told me they had way too many other petty things to bitch about to care about some half-african seasonal greeting and that maybe if i want to hear somebody wish me a Fruitful Kwanzaa I should park my happy ass on the next plane heading back to Africa.

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