Trump orders Barr to Investigate Mother Nature for Insider Trading
Washington, DC (AP). In a bold show of insane “kaka” the President last week conveyed to his favourite Fox news slime—Lou Dobbs (aka LouDo)—an autographed exhibit showing a 1900 point gain in the Dow Jones Index. Apparently, he was suggesting that this remarkable performance was made possible because of his magnificent management of the Coronavirus 19, “non-problem!”
The next day in response to the latest CDC data and to the President’s kaka the Dow dropped 2500 points. This resulted in the publication of numerous articles critical of President’s handling of the Coronavirus 19 and observations about the similarity of these actions to those of his on the environment. The upshot of this reporting was that it is perilous to ignore the powers of Mother Nature and to continue to do so would countenance even greater financial consequences in the future. Rather than sending another autographed graph to LouDo, the President called into his show and ranted about fake news and the disgraceful and illegal market influence of Mother Nature–which culminated in his announcement that an investigation into Mother Nature’s insider trading would be immediately launched by his favorite legal a**-suck Bill Barr.
In response to a befuddled, LouDo follow-up, it became readily apparent that the President was under the impression that Mother Nature was the name of a liberal, Wall Street hedge fund and moreover was convinced that it’s insidious actions were largely responsible for the poor performance in the markets. When asked for further clarification, White House chief Spokes-Prevaricator, Kelly Anne Conjob, said, “Of course, the President knows that Mother Nature is not a hedge fund and that she is just a chemical, biological and physical bitch who is responsible for a lot of bad stuff, but insider trading? Come on! Get over it people – it was just a joke on LouDo.” Usually a slobbering Trump sycophant, an uncharacteristically angry Dobbs responded to this reporter by saying that, “First I don’t like this LouDo crapola one bit. And second, you can tell Ms. Kelly Anne H**djob for me that the only joke in question here is the moron she works for.”
Meanwhile, the Justice Department has declined to comment on the pending investigation. However, an unnamed White House source has revealed that the President—being counselled by the ever-brilliant Rudy Giuliani—is doubling down on his belief that Mother Nature is a hedge fund. The President was overheard to say “…if Rudy thinks it’s a hedge fund, then it’s a f**king hedge fund.” The source also said the President is playing to his perceived legal acumen by testing the viability of a possible class action lawsuit representing his base. Hence, if you or someone you know is a member of his base or are simply an unaffiliated, ignorant bigot that wishes to participate in the President’s lawsuit, the number to call is1-800-SUE-4MOI.