In a surprise announcement on the Hannity show last night, controversial NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre declared that the time for a national discussion on guns in America has finally arrived.

Hannity and Fox are staunch supporters of the NRA, despite past scandals involving jihadist gun running and mildly contentious endorsements from ISIS/Daesh and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, and even an inflammatory  NRA ‘Peace March’ against the violent nuclear disarmament of peaceful US citizens!

After a short introduction by Mr. Hannity, who called Mr. LaPierre “the greatest defender of our God-given, second-amendment right to own an arsenal of military-grade weapons if we so choose,” the relentless opponent of any and all efforts to enact even minimal gun regulations shocked his host by declaring that next December would be a good month for a “reasoned” conversation on that issue.

After an awkward 30-seconds of silence, during which Mr. Hannity stared at the camera with mouth agape, Mr. LaPierre continued…

Sean, the last few years we’ve seen multiple, gut-wrenching mass murders – and by mass murder, I mean dozens of innocent people being mowed down by a complete stranger, not your garden-variety slaughter of a family of four by a deranged father or cousin.

Immediately after each of these shootings, I’ve rightly pointed out that assessing how best to prevent future tragedies like these needs to take a back-seat to the grieving process, which is essential for families and friends of the victims to recover.

Unfortunately, grieving can take many months, thus there has never been a long enough break between shootings for advocates on both sides to come together to figure out a solution.

So, after much internal debate, the NRA has decided to rectify this situation by declaring December 2019 Let’s Talk About Sensible Gun Regulations Month.

After another 30 seconds of awkward silence by Mr. Hannity, who by this time had developed a twitch in his right eye, Mr. La Pierre laid out the details of his proposal.

First: All days of celebration in December will respected, so no discussions will commence on those days – which include Christmas and Christmas eve, Hanukah (all eight days), Kwanzaa week, New Year’s Eve, Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, International Day for Abolition of Slavery, Feasts of the Immaculate Conception and St. John the Apostle, Green Monday, Bill of Rights Day, World AIDS Awareness Day, Winter Solstice, and Festivus. Which leaves December eleventh and twelfth available for an in-depth search for solutions.

Second: An esteemed panel of independent experts will be chosen to participate in the spirited give-and-take by President Trump, whose huge electoral victory qualifies him to unbiasedly choose a panel that represents the full spectrum of gun-control-related views.

Third: As a symbol of our country’s unity of purpose, the discussions will be held at the Econo Lodge in Belle Fourche, South Dakota, the geographic center of the U.S.

Fourth: Both days’ discussions will be taped and broadcast on C-SPAN so that all citizens can listen to both sides of the debate and thus develop thoroughly informed positions on the issue. Since Congress is in session on those days, tying up C-SPAN’s broadcast time, taped debate broadcasts will be aired the following morning at 2 a.m. EST.

Fifth: To ensure a civil meeting of the minds, all firearms, including revolvers, semi-automatic handguns, derringers, shotguns, revolving cylinder rifles, muzzleloaders, AK-47s, AR-10s, AR-15s, and Colt .45 replica cap guns, will be confiscated at the door. They will be returned to their owners just as soon as panel members have cleared town.

Mr. LaPierre concluded his appearance with a relieved-looking Mr. Hannity by stating:

We at the NRA eagerly look forward to this long-delayed national conversation, and are certain that as a result, sensible legislation to reduce gun deaths will be forthcoming in 2020 or 2021 … or 2040 at the latest.

© Rick Blum 2019

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