Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018
Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a…
Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners
DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul. Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the…
Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers
WASHINGTON—Amid news that federal budget cuts are set to cause a number of additional layoffs in the fields of research and science, several reports surfaced asserting that such cuts are “really not a good idea” and to “not do that.”…
Big Business Attempts to Steal My Vote, Steels My Resolve
Seatac has an initiative that may or may not be on the ballot this November, thanks to activist judge Andrea Darvas. They’ve tried like hell to usurp my voting right, but I’m still here, guys. READ ALSO: • SeaTac Minimum…
Miley Cyrus Stoned For Being A Whore in Saudi Arabia
The private jet of Miley Cyrus, the young formerly squeaky clean Mouseketeer turned rich white trash singer, developed electrical problems flying back from a concert in India and was forced to make an emergency landing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The…
Assad agrees to cooperate in “symbolic strike” against Syria
The Assad regime in Syria today agreed to cooperate in a “symbolic strike” against itself. “We understand the need for the U.S. to maintain its prestige and credibility,” said a Syrian government official, on condition of anonymity, “and if bombing…
Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold
Apparently your karma is worth more than you know. All those years of clicking and commenting on stories, maybe they’re actually worth something. One site has Reddit accounts for sale, and they’re not shy about it. ThePublicityFirm.com says “We have…
Opponents of SeaTac’s Minimum Wage Push-Polled me, Obviously Running Scared
There’s a dirty trick in politics called the push poll. That’s when pollsters seek to sway the election by sowing seeds of doubt. Bush did it (successfully) against McCain, and the No On Prop-1 people in Seatac tried it on…
SeaTac Minimum Wage Vote Goes Court (and I’m the Plaintiff… seriously)
Citizens in the city of Seatac, WA, where I live, have tried to bring a $15/hr. minimum wage for airport and hospitality workers to a vote. But opponents have shut it down and I’ve filed a lawsuit against the city,…
Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals
For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady…