Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria
Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war. The poll…
TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday
Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of…
Things We Should Have Learned From the Recession
Warning- This is an unfunny article. Things we should have learned from the recession: That when the chips are down and they are losing money, the big companies will give up their Ann Rand for Karl Marx and take bailout…
F***ing D***head Editor Censoring **arg** Everything
INDIANAPOLIS – An absolute f***ing c**kface of an editor has left virtually his entire staff completely baffled and frustrated after meticulously sifting through a continuum of work and censoring just about every God d*** p***ing profanity written down on each…
Bradley Manning To Be Transferred to All-Female Prison
Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials. “Now that Manning claims he’s…
US vows retaliation for rebel chemical weapon use
The United States today assured the world that the “red line” against chemical weapons use applies equally to both the Assad government in Syria and the rebel forces. “We are not hypocrites,” said White House spokesperson Janus Touphaisse. “We have…
Local Man Subjects Self to Sick Experiment
CINCINNATI, OH—In an act that can only be described as some kind of emotional masochism, David Lauder, resident single, recently created a profile on a popular website intended for dating. The so-called “dating website” is a service that allows users,…
New Trial Medication Causes Positive Thinking in Rats
Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting
INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today. Penticuff, who…
The secret to happiness: Always remain twenty-three
Great news for all of you who have passed the big 50 milestone and are depressed that the best part of life may have passed you by. It has, of course, but be patient. In just 19 years you’ll feel…