DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul.
Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the way he is able to heat each sad meal for the exact amount of time so that it turns out “just right.”
RIGHT: Image by Tojosan via Flickr.
Onlookers of Holcomb’s statements described the fact that he consistently avoids burning the dessert brownie as “just plain sad.”
Reached for comment, Holcomb’s acquaintances generally agreed that, given the time it has taken him to develop a skill of this type, it is upsetting on a level that “[they] can’t bear to think about.”
With pride in place of what should have been pure shame, Holcomb continued to tell reporters the nearly incapacitatingly depressing degree to which he is able to accurately anticipate at which point in the cooking process to rearrange, or possibly even set aside if necessary, chicken tenders and the like.
A single tear was seen rolling down one of the reporter’s cheeks as they jotted down the fact that Holcomb prides himself on being a master of cutting slits in the plastic film over meals that call for such an action.
Several reporters simply walked away in dejection after Holcomb said with a smile, “I find results are better if you stir the mashed potatoes at given intervals, even if the box doesn’t say so.”
Upon their departure from the pitiful display, one of the reporters is believed to have muttered, “I just can’t listen to this anymore.”