Utah Jazz Lose Half Their Team: New ‘Magic Underpants’ Rule Remains a Sore Point!

Formerly even less non-renowned basketball team Utah Jazz have recently lost their mojo, with their fanatical new Mormon Fundamentalist leader, Pickney H. Jonestonne, alienating droves of players with his unusual dress code.

Although Utah Jazz players under previous managerial regimes have engaged with aplomb such bizarre rituals as playing commando, playing with commandos (?!), training with ball clamps and showering with stoned hippos, it seem the Religion of Spaced Out Space Age Wackiness (yo, L Ron! STFD!) has really proven one imaginary copper plate of idiocy too many for the Jazzies.

A confidential internal memo says:

Lord Jehovah is our strength. Lord Jehovah is our mighty bulwark against the day of bouncing balls. Praise to the Lord of Mormon: the basketball shalt not strike thine precious plums by day, nor shalt the crouching enemy kicketh by night! Magic underpants hath been be-given, like all good things, for to be enjoyed of all men, and naught forbidden be!

Mildly concerned by the entirely unintentional homoerotic connotations of the proceedings, Republicans have now fled the sport in droves.

On the plus side, the impending financial collapse has the most diehard members of the new Utah Jazz regime (soon to be renamed the Deseret Psalmists) heading for the hills.

Whether this will benefit THEM more, or the teeming masses of basketball fanboyerie, remains to be seen…


Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!