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Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report.

According to the project’s lead researcher, Dr. Barry Klein, “The planet appeared, at first, promising; as though it may be able to support human life. However, upon closer inspection, we were unable to locate a single drop of soda. Neither Pepsi, nor Coke, nor Mt. Dew… not so much as a 12-ounce can of welfare Faygo, for God’s sake.”

Many speculate that the exoplanet — which is listed officially as PXR791+43Q, but which is referred to more commonly by the research team as “Planet Bullshit” — may yet hold answers in its vast supply of water.

Dr. Klein disagrees.

Says Dr. Klein, “To the lay person, water in and of itself probably seems a good sign. However, the water on this particular planet isn’t even bottled. It’s just up there in a giant ocean, sloshing around in the fertile, nutrient-rich soil all filthy-like. Truly disgusting.”

At press time, reports indicate that NASA, in conjunction with the civilian space exploration company SpaceX, is planning a mission to the extrasolar terrestrial planet for later this year in an effort to “more accurately calculate the amount of MiO it would take to make PXR791+43Q worth a dick.”

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If you enjoyed this article, well, there's probably something deeply wrong with you. Fortunately, I'm neither your psychiatrist nor your sponsor. I'm an enabler, and I've got more of that sweet, sweet satire on my website, Reidicule News. Go ahead. Click it and get your fix. I won't judge.

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4 Responses to “Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet”

  1. This reminds me of the movie Idiocracy. Another way we’re out of touch with nature is due to light pollution so that we can’t see many stars with our naked eyes.

  2. Reidicule says:

    Definitely. That scene where they’re trying to water crops with Gatorade!

  3. T.J. Carter says:

    It’s what plants craaaave!

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