Category: Science
Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”
OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet. “I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I…
New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain
Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that…
The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper
FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road…
Scientists: Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection between Their Stash & Murderous Drug Cartels
Scientists have finally proven that there is a big disconnect in the minds of those heavily into pot. It has been long suspected that marijuana use has negative effects upon the brains and bodies of partakers, a claim equally long…
Study shows Men Secretly Resent Women’s Phatness
Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort…
Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico
Scientists from the University of Arizona have concluded this Friday that the possible existence of extraterrestrial life could become a reality after certain test results are finalized. The University was baffled when a 2,500 year old alien life form, Ernesto…
Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a…
Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers
70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching…
The Universe Is F*cking Ridiculous, Say World’s Leading Astrophysicists
STOCKHOLM, Sweden—Last week, researchers from MIT, Cambridge, The Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, and other renowned institutions met at the World Astrophysics Conference in Stockholm, where many of the greatest minds in astrophysics debated the properties of dark matter, the…
Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars
PASADENA, Ca — Last Thursday, the team leading NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission made history when the rover Curiosity identified indisputable evidence of life on Mars—or so it seemed. The historic discovery, initially made by microbiologist Dr. James Weaver, turned…