Scarily Innovative! ‘Clean Coal’ & ‘Safe Lead’ Head US Panel at Next Week’s UN Climate Talks

Washington, DC- Acting EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler announced on Friday, the White House would hold a panel on clean technology during the annual U.N. climate talks in Poland next week.

“We will be featuring a number of green technologies at next week’s meeting. I have been working with White House staffers on this presentation for a number of months now, and believe this is an important subject to discuss on the international stage. For the last decade we’ve seen a dramatic decline in the use of coal around the world, and the President wants that trend to stop,” the former coal industry lobbyist told reporters from the steps of the William Jefferson Clinton Building.

“In addition to our presentation on clean coal, we will also have a presentation on the benefits of safe, lead based paint and plumbing fixtures by the Ground Zero Plumbing & AC, the many industrial applications of Asbestos, and the environmental benefits of fracking. Despite the substantiated claims of scientists around the world, including those employed by the EPA, we believe an emotional plea to leaders of third world nations with relaxed environmental regulations, will help America spread these tried and true technologies throughout the world.”

“We have warehouses full of these materials in small towns throughout the US,” Wheeler continued. “We can find no reason beyond excessive, Obama era regulations preventing American industries from unloading these wonderful products to those countries most in need. This is a wonderful day for the environment, and a wonderful day for America.”

President Trump tweeted his support of Wheeler on Friday as well;

“Administrator Wheeler is doing a GREAT JOB, spreading the message of Beautiful, CLEAN, Coal. This administration will not be deterred by science or popular opinion, who are both in the pockets of DEMOCRATS and SOCIALISTS. This administration will continue to promote the archaic technologies and dying industries found throughout the American Midwest, regardless of costs or consequence. #Clean Coal, #MAGA, #EPA Cuts.”

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."