Donald Trump’s Diary Released

“Trump filed the suit against Palm Beach County last week, claiming his history of conflict with Palm Beach International Airport has led officials to spitefully redirect air traffic over his historic Mar-a-Lago estate in south Florida.”
– USA Today – January 13, 2015

“Once again, Donald Trump claims he’s flirting with a run for the White House.” Read more Donald Trump’s Diary Released

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Publication of “The Brian Williams Story” Nixed

Excerpts from “The Brian Williams Story”, a rumored biography that will now apparently never see print:

November 9, 1989
“All I can say is that it was an honor and a thrill to be the only major American news anchor on site when the Berlin Wall fell. It was a combination of good luck and astute planning that put me there that night so that I could report this major event back home to our NBC viewing audience. Or maybe it was Tom Brokaw. The important thing is that we were there.” Read more Publication of “The Brian Williams Story” Nixed

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LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

It’s finally happened. The non-traditional sexuality and gender communities have exhausted the alphabet in their attempts to include everyone under one umbrella acronym.

Starting in the 1990s, those of different sexual persuasions started describing themselves as part of the LGBT or lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.

That designation worked for a while until some smaller marginalized minorities voiced their concerns. Read more LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

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Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

Everybody seems to be blaming the current do-nothing state of Congress on the fractious squabbling between different ideological factions, particularly those of the Republican persuasion.

But maybe it’s not ideology at all; maybe it’s just that we have too many grumpy old men in the Senate.

It would probably require a Constitutional amendment but I think it’s time we placed an age limit on membership in the U. S. Senate. Read more Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

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Obama Apologizes For Post-election Hubris

Barack Obama has reportedly done a complete about face. Having encountered widespread criticism for the tough stance he took in his post-electoral press conference, the President has decided to take a more conciliatory approach with his Republican opponents.

“I’m really sorry about last Wednesday,” said Obama.

“The fact of the matter is I inadvertently switched speech texts and mistakenly brought along part of one about dealing with terrorists to the press conference.” Read more Obama Apologizes For Post-election Hubris

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Washington-area Birdwatchers Spot Migrating Species

It’s late fall and a sure sign of the season is the movement of various migratory birds in Washington and elsewhere. Recent sightings include:

The African American Obama

Perhaps because of its name, the African American obama is often mistakenly thought to be native to Kenya. In fact, this White House-perched bird is from Chicago by way of Hawaii. Read more Washington-area Birdwatchers Spot Migrating Species

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It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault

It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Read more It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault

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Medical Science Identifies Source of Chronic Left Butt Cheek Pain

In recent years, more and more males have suffered from a chronic pain in the non-facial left cheek. Now medical science has identified this left butt pain as SRCA or severe rewards card accumulation.

SRCA is a slowly developing condition brought on by the ongoing acquisition of more and more loyalty and rewards cards.

As a sufferer acquires additional pieces of plastic, his wallet grows in size to the point where it burrows into his left gluteal muscle thereby causing discomfort and pain. Read more Medical Science Identifies Source of Chronic Left Butt Cheek Pain

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Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.

Luckily for TV producers, there is still one fertile field of TV reality endeavor that’s ripe for the plucking, namely politics as evidenced by these proposed reality shows soon to spring forth from the drawing board: Read more Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

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UN Issues Long-term Weather Forecast

Long-term worldwide weather forecast issued by the United Nations Meteorological Agency:

Unsettled conditions expected for much of the planet for the foreseeable future. In particular, we anticipate further weather extremes in the middle eastern section of the globe.

Since a large-scale western storm hit Iraq in 2003, there have been ongoing disruptions throughout that region. Read more UN Issues Long-term Weather Forecast

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King William (Clinton) the 1st, of America

    Washington, D.C. – July 4, 2040

– The National Mall is jammed with hundreds of thousands of spectators waiting expectantly for William Jefferson Clinton, Jr. to appear.

The 25-year-old son of former President Chelsea Clinton will soon be crowned William I, America’s first constitutional monarch.

The country has traveled a long and difficult road to finally reach this regal accommodation, a settling of the decades-long battle between the country’s two most powerful dynasties: the Bushes and the Clintons. Read more King William (Clinton) the 1st, of America

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Time Machine Leaks 1st Look at Obama’s Exit Interview

The latest trend in the world of human resources is the so-called exit interview. In theory, it gives a departing employee an opportunity to express his grievances while at the same time providing useful feedback to the employer.

Our intrepid reporter managed to track down a secondhand time machine allowing him to transcribe Barack Obama’s exit interview two years hence: Read more Time Machine Leaks 1st Look at Obama’s Exit Interview

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Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time

According to the title of the Thomas Wolfe novel, you can’t go home again.

But it looks like Lebron James is going to prove that saying wrong as he happily returns to the site of his first professional basketball success: Cleveland, Ohio.

More importantly, Mr. James has apparently inspired others to follow suit:

George W. Bush

Against all odds, it looks like America’s 43rd president is going to move back to Washington, D. C.

“Frankly, I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back to that godawful city,” said Mr. Bush.

“But Lebron has showed me the error of my ways. If the folks of Cleveland can forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, surely the good citizens of Washington will cheer my return.”

However, it looks as if Mr. Bush’s plans for a triumphant return have been put on hold by the Secret Service who have some minor concerns for their former boss’s safety.

Hillary Clinton

The former first lady made The White House her home for eight years but she hasn’t lived there for almost the last fourteen.

Despite that long absence and some not-so-pleasant memories, it looks like she’s decided to move back in.

“I can’t say that it doesn’t pain me to think about my husband’s infidelities in The Oval Office,” said Mrs. Clinton. “But I figure the best way to deal with those memories is to make new memories of my own.”

Mrs. Clinton is planning on a January 20, 2017 return although there are a number of Republicans and even a few Democrats who may have a say in the matter.

Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney has surprised everyone with his recent decision to pay a return visit to Baghdad.

The former vice president is hoping for the same combination of forgiveness and joy that Lebron James is seeking in Cleveland.

“I always said that we’d be greeted as liberators,” said Mr. Cheney. “And I figure it’s time to finally prove my point.”

Unfortunately, due to the constant outbreak of fighting between various factions throughout Iraq, Cheney’s triumphant return visit to Baghdad will have to be postponed until shortly after hell freezes over.

Barack Obama

America’s current president is well into his second term and is experiencing symptoms commonly afflicting handicapped waterfowl.

Although he is obliged to serve out the remainder of his term, it appears that he would much prefer to be going home which in this case is the city of Chicago.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’m very useful in Washington,” said Mr. Obama. “Except possibly to make Tea Party Republicans see red. So if nobody really minds too much, I’d like to get back to Chicago.”

Even with the recent raft of shootings in the Windy City, the president figures he’ll still be safer living there than in Washington.

Sarah Palin

The half-term Alaska governor and unsuccessful vice presidential candidate is often mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender for the 2016 election. Although Ms. Palin never explicitly disavows that possibility, there always seems to be some reluctance to run on her part.

“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep up this political life,” said Palin. “And now that Lebron has shown me the way, I think I’d just rather head back home to Alaska.” That may not be as easy as it sounds, however, as it looks like Alaska may not want her back.

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Lame Duck Damaged, Begs Extinction

Environmentalists and naturalists have sounded the alarm for a threatened avian species resident in Washington, D.C. Having been spotted in the region for close to six years, this bird has recently suffered numerous setbacks and setblacks and appears to be on the verge of extinction.

Native to Chicago, it was once a flamboyant bird that was erroneously identified as a trumpeter swan. People were enthralled by its unusual dark-colored plumage and impressive wingspan and singing voice although some were put off by its arugula-based diet. Read more Lame Duck Damaged, Begs Extinction

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The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome under the Republican big top and prepare to be entertained by the incredible performers of Boehner Brothers (formerly Hastert & Boehner), America’s premier political circus. I’m John Boehner, your ringmaster for tonight.

Unlike other political circuses, we don’t just present one show at a time. We are a full, three-ring operation. That means no matter where you turn your head, there’s an amazing performance you just won’t be able to look away from. Read more The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

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Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

This is the face of Donald Sterling who lost his NBA basketball team. And those are the brothers Koch; Charles and David, who spend most of their money trying to help others with no thought of benefit for themselves. So gracious.

These three men belong to one of America’s fastest growing disadvantaged groups: disadvantaged billionaires.

Fifty years ago, there were only dozens of these unfortunate souls. But now there are hundreds and because their numbers continue to grow, they desperately need our help. Read more Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

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Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

“…Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, has begun an effort to attract more African-American voters…”
– The New York Times – August 12, 2014

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Republican incumbents and potential candidates

FROM: Reince Priebus

Hey! Wassup? It’s time we get down with our black brothers and sisters if we ever hope to gain full power in Washington again. Read more Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

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Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Read more Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

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