Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time

Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time

According to the title of the Thomas Wolfe novel, you can’t go home again.

But it looks like Lebron James is going to prove that saying wrong as he happily returns to the site of his first professional basketball success: Cleveland, Ohio.

More importantly, Mr. James has apparently inspired others to follow suit:

George W. Bush

Against all odds, it looks like America’s 43rd president is going to move back to Washington, D. C.

“Frankly, I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back to that godawful city,” said Mr. Bush.

“But Lebron has showed me the error of my ways. If the folks of Cleveland can forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, surely the good citizens of Washington will cheer my return.”

However, it looks as if Mr. Bush’s plans for a triumphant return have been put on hold by the Secret Service who have some minor concerns for their former boss’s safety.

Hillary Clinton

The former first lady made The White House her home for eight years but she hasn’t lived there for almost the last fourteen.

Despite that long absence and some not-so-pleasant memories, it looks like she’s decided to move back in.

“I can’t say that it doesn’t pain me to think about my husband’s infidelities in The Oval Office,” said Mrs. Clinton. “But I figure the best way to deal with those memories is to make new memories of my own.”

Mrs. Clinton is planning on a January 20, 2017 return although there are a number of Republicans and even a few Democrats who may have a say in the matter.

Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney has surprised everyone with his recent decision to pay a return visit to Baghdad.

The former vice president is hoping for the same combination of forgiveness and joy that Lebron James is seeking in Cleveland.

“I always said that we’d be greeted as liberators,” said Mr. Cheney. “And I figure it’s time to finally prove my point.”

Unfortunately, due to the constant outbreak of fighting between various factions throughout Iraq, Cheney’s triumphant return visit to Baghdad will have to be postponed until shortly after hell freezes over.

Barack Obama

America’s current president is well into his second term and is experiencing symptoms commonly afflicting handicapped waterfowl.

Although he is obliged to serve out the remainder of his term, it appears that he would much prefer to be going home which in this case is the city of Chicago.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’m very useful in Washington,” said Mr. Obama. “Except possibly to make Tea Party Republicans see red. So if nobody really minds too much, I’d like to get back to Chicago.”

Even with the recent raft of shootings in the Windy City, the president figures he’ll still be safer living there than in Washington.

Sarah Palin

The half-term Alaska governor and unsuccessful vice presidential candidate is often mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender for the 2016 election. Although Ms. Palin never explicitly disavows that possibility, there always seems to be some reluctance to run on her part.

“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep up this political life,” said Palin. “And now that Lebron has shown me the way, I think I’d just rather head back home to Alaska.” That may not be as easy as it sounds, however, as it looks like Alaska may not want her back.

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Lame Duck Damaged, Begs Extinction

Lame Duck Damaged, Begs Extinction

Environmentalists and naturalists have sounded the alarm for a threatened avian species resident in Washington, D.C. Having been spotted in the region for close to six years, this bird has recently suffered numerous setbacks and setblacks and appears to be on the verge of extinction.

Native to Chicago, it was once a flamboyant bird that was erroneously identified as a trumpeter swan. People were enthralled by its unusual dark-colored plumage and impressive wingspan and singing voice although some were put off by its arugula-based diet. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment1 Comment

The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome under the Republican big top and prepare to be entertained by the incredible performers of Boehner Brothers (formerly Hastert & Boehner), America’s premier political circus. I’m John Boehner, your ringmaster for tonight.

Unlike other political circuses, we don’t just present one show at a time. We are a full, three-ring operation. That means no matter where you turn your head, there’s an amazing performance you just won’t be able to look away from. Continue Reading

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Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

This is the face of Donald Sterling who lost his NBA basketball team. And those are the brothers Koch; Charles and David, who spend most of their money trying to help others with no thought of benefit for themselves. So gracious.

These three men belong to one of America’s fastest growing disadvantaged groups: disadvantaged billionaires.

Fifty years ago, there were only dozens of these unfortunate souls. But now there are hundreds and because their numbers continue to grow, they desperately need our help. Continue Reading

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Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

“…Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, has begun an effort to attract more African-American voters…”
– The New York Times – August 12, 2014

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Republican incumbents and potential candidates

FROM: Reince Priebus

Hey! Wassup? It’s time we get down with our black brothers and sisters if we ever hope to gain full power in Washington again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, World News1 Comment

Bridge-gate? Mayor Cokeford? Fuggedaboutit, eh?

Bridge-gate? Mayor Cokeford? Fuggedaboutit, eh?

Most political scandals in America have a Washington connection. Think Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra and Clinton-Lewinsky. In the case of the maelstrom surrounding Chris Christie, however, the Washington connection happens to be the George Washington Bridge spanning New Jersey and Manhattan.

For those who might have been out of the country or trapped in traffic on said bridge, Governor Christie is in hot water because his staffers arranged a traffic tie-up on the GWB last September in retaliation for the lack of a reelection endorsement from Fort Lee’s Democratic Mayor Mark Sokolich. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Movement for New State “North Colorado” Meets Opposition from Reality

Movement for New State “North Colorado” Meets Opposition from Reality

“What makes no sense is the current movement by 10 counties in northern Colorado and a few in Nebraska and Kansas to band together to make a new state called North Colorado.” – The New York Times – July 11, 2013

What perhaps makes no sense to The New York Times may, in fact, make perfect sense to those pushing for the new state of North Colorado. If you don’t like gun regulation, oil company regulation and alternative energy sources then maybe this is the state for you. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

The Canadian Association of Political Satirists Says “Meh”

The Canadian Association of Political Satirists Says “Meh”

Canadian political satirists have apparently thrown in the towel. Mr. I. Ron Knee, national president of the Canadian Association of Political Satirists announced at a recent press conference that his association would be disbanding next month.

“I guess, in retrospect, it was inevitable,” said Mr. Knee. “Although, honestly, we never really saw it coming.” Continue Reading

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Posted in World News4 Comments

City of Toronto Press Office Issues City Obituary

City of Toronto Press Office Issues City Obituary

DEATH NOTICE – The City of Toronto — The City of Toronto (known to her friends as The Greater Toronto Area or GTA for short) expired on November 14th in the Council Chamber of City Hall.

The immediate cause of death was extreme humiliation although City had been suffering from acute dysfunction for some time. She was 220 years old.

Born in Upper Canada in 1793 as the Town of York, City had a difficult childhood including a traumatic torching in 1813. However, she went on to marry and in 1834 took the name Toronto. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Obama Resigns… Almost

Obama Resigns… Almost

In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden.

Obama revealed his decision during his latest Sunday radio address. After outlining a progressive agenda for the next four years, he sighed and simply said that he didn’t have the patience or will to carry through with those plans. Continue Reading

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Oscar Snubs Silents This Year

Oscar Snubs Silents This Year

Hollywood’s top silent film producers were shocked to learn that this year’s list of nominees for best picture Oscar included not a single silent picture.

“After last year’s win by The Artist,” said producer Milton Oak. “We figured that those of us making great silent films were once again back on top.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures5 Comments

A.D.A. Gaydar Fingers Fluoridation

A.D.A. Gaydar Fingers Fluoridation

CHICAGO – The American Dental Association today announced a reversal of its longstanding position on municipal water fluoridation. For over 65 years, fluoride has been recognized by the ADA as an effective prophylactic in the fight against cavities.

But recent research may have identified an alarming side effect associated with using such a substance in drinking water systems. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science3 Comments

“Weekly Gleaner” Implements Literal, Physical Paywall

“Weekly Gleaner” Implements Literal, Physical Paywall

PINE RAPIDS, Iowa – Having experienced yet another money-losing quarter, the Pine Rapids Weekly Gleaner has decided to follow the lead of such papers as the New York Times and implement a paywall.

“Let’s face it,” said Editor Dwight Turnbull. “In this 21st century age of multimedia platforms, you can’t compete unless you force the reader to pay his fair share.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc0 Comments

Un-Named Elf Leaks Obama Santa Letter

Un-Named Elf Leaks Obama Santa Letter

NORTH POLE – One of Santa’s right-leaning elves has reportedly leaked a letter to Santa from one of his most famous correspondents:

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for giving me that big white house four years ago. To be honest, that Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

Neighbors Amicably Resolve Fence Dispute

Neighbors Amicably Resolve Fence Dispute

MAPLEVIEW, OHIO – In a rare event, two Mapleview citizens have resolved their fence dispute without resort to violence, litigation or letters to the editor.

Myron Beaver and Stew Lansing, longtime neighbors, were engaged in what could have been a nasty disagreement over their common property line. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

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