In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden.

Obama revealed his decision during his latest Sunday radio address. After outlining a progressive agenda for the next four years, he sighed and simply said that he didn’t have the patience or will to carry through with those plans. Continue Reading

Hollywood’s top silent film producers were shocked to learn that this year’s list of nominees for best picture Oscar included not a single silent picture.

“After last year’s win by The Artist,” said producer Milton Oak. “We figured that those of us making great silent films were once again back on top.” Continue Reading

CHICAGO – The American Dental Association today announced a reversal of its longstanding position on municipal water fluoridation. For over 65 years, fluoride has been recognized by the ADA as an effective prophylactic in the fight against cavities.

But recent research may have identified an alarming side effect associated with using such a substance in drinking water systems. Continue Reading

PINE RAPIDS, Iowa – Having experienced yet another money-losing quarter, the Pine Rapids Weekly Gleaner has decided to follow the lead of such papers as the New York Times and implement a paywall.

“Let’s face it,” said Editor Dwight Turnbull. “In this 21st century age of multimedia platforms, you can’t compete unless you force the reader to pay his fair share.” Continue Reading

NORTH POLE – One of Santa’s right-leaning elves has reportedly leaked a letter to Santa from one of his most famous correspondents:

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for giving me that big white house four years ago. To be honest, that Continue Reading

MAPLEVIEW, OHIO – In a rare event, two Mapleview citizens have resolved their fence dispute without resort to violence, litigation or letters to the editor.

Myron Beaver and Stew Lansing, longtime neighbors, were engaged in what could have been a nasty disagreement over their common property line. Continue Reading

It’s official. The Fiscal Cliff has overtaken Niagara Falls as America’s favorite tourist destination.

District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.

“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.” Continue Reading

Eleven-year-old Olivia Miller of Gopher’s Gulch, Nebraska recently underwent delicate eye-reduction surgery in order to save her life.

“We are all so grateful,” said Olivia’s mother. “For years, her eyes were bigger than her stomach and she insisted on putting much more on her plate than she could possibly eat.”

Not only did Olivia take more food at each meal, she also ate most of the huge selected portions. Continue Reading

After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Continue Reading

Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction.

Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment. Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis. Continue Reading

In a surprising move, Tea Party member Wright Wing admitted that he decided to break ranks and vote for Barack Obama for president.

“Believe me, I had no intention of voting for Obama,” said Mr. Wing. “But when I sat down and actually read the campaign literature from both sides, I realized that voting Democratic was in my best interests.”

Like most Tea Partiers, Wing had previously relied on his gut instinct and advice from supposedly reliable sources like Rush Limbaugh and the Koch Brothers. Continue Reading

Defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney denies he is a crybaby.

“Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney. “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people to win their votes. But I’m no crybaby.”

President Obama offered to meet with his defeated rival to discuss some of Romney’s ideas to help the country. However, Mr. Romney has refused that offer. Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – This election year has seen a surge in early voting as more and more states allow for this convenient option, while others have restricted the hell out of it.

Both the Obama and Romney camps had hoped that early voting would give them an edge. Much to everyone’s surprise, however, exit polls show that the early leader in pre-election balloting is the empty chair from the Republican National Convention. Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – Undecided voter Harold Merman of Niblock, Ohio has finally made his choice for this year’s presidential election. It should come as no surprise; he’s choosing the winner.

That’s right; whoever finishes first on November 6th has Mr. Merman’s full and unwavering support.

“Experience has taught me that it is always best to get behind a winner,” said Merman. “And that’s exactly what I intend to do. In short, I endorse the winner.” Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in today’s election.

“I know you all must think I’ve been drunking crazy-water,” said Mr. Bush. “But the more I looked at that Barry fellows record, the more I realized that we have a lot in common. We both created trillion dollar deficits, both had to deal with ongoing wars [in Iraq and Afghanistan] and both had to spend a lot of time cleaning up bushes.” Continue Reading

Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate.

“Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,” said Dodson.

“Who wouldn’t be? It was a chance for me to question both candidates on what I think is one of the most important issues of the day.” Continue Reading