National Weather Service Issues Rare Shitter Warning

Washington, DC- On Friday morning, Louis W. Uccellini, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Assistant Administrator for Weather Services(NOAAA for WS), and Director of the National Weather Service (NWS) issued a rare warning on Shitter, predicting heavy Virtual Shit Storms for all social media platforms on Saturday.

“President Trump’s lawyers will be starting arguments for his Impeachment defense on Saturday, and all social media users, especially those on Shitter, should expect Virtual Shit Storms (VSS) throughout the day. Users should be prepared for unprecedented levels of harsh vitriol throughout the day, and into the early hours of Sunday. If your bullshit detector is strong, we highly recommend avoiding the following platforms at least until the early afternoon on Sunday.” 

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The National Weather Service recommends that Americans avoid the following social media platforms this weekend, please note specific days and times, as they will vary from platform to platform:

Shitter– This popular platform is the most likely to be affected due to the Presidents preference for the platform.  We’re predicting Category 5 VSS activity beginning late Friday night, and lasting through mid-day Sunday.

Fecesbook– Expect your most extreme friends and family members from the 50 something crowd to ruin your social media experience beginning early Saturday morning, and continuing throughout most of the day. Category 3 VSS activity is expected, but should taper off around 9:00 PM EST.

YouLube– This is technically the most popular social media platform in the United States, but due to the amount of time required to produce high quality videos, we expect Category 3 VSS activity to begin late Saturday morning, with a severe upturn to Category 5 VSS activity in the early morning hours of Sunday morning.  This activity should run through to the end of the impeachment trial. It should be noted that since its inception in 2005, YouLube has experienced a total of 8 days in which VSS activity dipped below Category 3 levels.  The average VSS for the YouLube platform is a Category 3.5.

Instacram– The youngest of these platforms, Instacram also boasts the youngest average user age, 19.5 years old, of all mentioned social media platforms. Because of this factor, we are predicting no greater than Category 2 VSS activity due to a lack of overall interest. VSS activity is expected to peak around mid-day Saturday, and should taper off to a Category 1 level by 5:30 Saturday evening.

“We hope that all Americans take this information into account, and heed our warnings. Citizens should note that these predictions are preliminary, and may undergo severe VSS swings as the Senate hearings precede throughout the day. We ask that all social media users visit the National Weather Service website for up to the minute updates, and additional information. Please be safe.”

Have you or a loved one lived through a Category 4, or higher, VSS and lived to tell the tale? Share your story in the comments field below.

No animals were harmed while researching or writing this story.

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Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."

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