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NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

Cape Canaveral, Fla.- After the recent success and attention garnered from the mars rover, Curiosity, NASA launched a probe to Earth with the intent to discover if intelligent life does exist, or has ever existed on the planet.

Many controversial theories have arose over recent years arguing whether or not the planet could sustain intelligent life.

The new rover, called Buick Skylark, is the biggest rover NASA has constructed to date, which hopefully will recapture the public’s fascination with space after the failed attempts of the previous Earth rovers Ford Taurus and the joint Japanese venture, Toyota Camry.”The Taurus Seemed like a suitable choice with its reliability to value ratio, but that simply wasn’t the case,” explained Senior Systems Analyst Scott Boyers. He added, “The Toyota Camry just crashed into the surface.” The Camry’s unfortunate malfunction was thought to have been due to a faulty accelerator.

The previous rovers also lacked the equipment to detect if worth while existance had occured on the planet. The rover Buick Skylark is an impressive structure that has aboard various instruments to test for the existence of knowledgable life.

“Aboard the Buick Skylark, are specific instruments to test for the possibility of intelligent life. A copy of The New Yorker, a sensibly well balanced meal, and several historical documentaries are designed to attract possible intelligent life forms,” says Flight Director David Oh.

Administrator, Charles Bolden has high hopes for the project, stating that “Quite frankly, we don’t know if intelligent life has ever existed there or not. We are well aware of some lesser life forms living on Earth, but so far, have yet to conclude if there are any worth while conversations out there. This will mark a proud day for humanity if we, in fact, do discover intelligent life. Although we have had some compelling evidence, it simply isn’t conclusive.”

Early prototypes proved too compact and comfortable to truly be called a “Buick”.

The habitable environment, rich atmosphere, and supposed examples of non-fiction texts seem to be the evidence scientists have been using to back the “Meaningful Life on Earth” thesis, but skeptics argue that these texts were mere fabrications and depressions left in trash cans outside campus housing.

The rover was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida and landed in the vapid wasteland of Scottsdale, Arizona. Scientists, did not expect to find evidence of intelligent life at that particular location, but hope that the rover is capable of searching the region in order to find ground breaking evidence they need to keep space exploration alive.

Deputy Administrator Lori Garver added, “This is our last shot. Funding is drying up despite our recent success and publicity around Curiosity. We aim to find a way to sustain life on Earth for future generations to come. If we don’t find any conclusive evidence, surely the human experiment will be finite.”

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Posted in Education, Technology8 Comments

Environmentalists Unite To Support Effing Fracking In California??? What The Frack?

Environmentalists Unite To Support Effing Fracking In California??? What The Frack?

A strange new development has occurred in the continued battle behind the oil industry and environmentalists over the use of fracking. Fracking, for those unfamiliar with the term, is the new art of pumping chemical laden water back into an underground fissure that has already had the oil removed from it.

The fracking forces existing fissures wider allowing companies to remove more oil. Unintentionally the chemical water used has often been showing up in drinking water afterwards. Not to mention that there have been mysterious earthquakes occurring up in places following the fracking where earthquakes have never been before.

The strange new development is that there are now some environmentalists who WANT fracking done in Central and Southern California. That’s correct, you have read that right- there are some ENVIRONMENTALISTS who WANT FRACKING done in CALIFORNIA (ie. THE LAND OF HIPPIES, LIBERALS AND ALL THINGS CONSIDERED UNGODLY AND COUNTER AMERICAN (except Ronald Reagan of course)).

That is the equivalent of Jesus Christ wanting strippers at the Last Supper. In fact, members of the Sierra Club itself are not only requesting, but demanding the fracking.

The strangeness of this demand from the most political of green organizations has prompted a number of private investigators into checking into the situation. Strange revelations resulted. Uncovered was a dastardly plot by the environmentalists to sell oil leases on land all along the San Andreas Fault line.

As investigators dug deeper they realized to their horror that the perpetrators wanted the fracking to cause an earthquake that would dump all of Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean. It turns out that the environmentalists, normally expressly against all forms of environmental pollution, realized that if they appeared to give in a little, they could appeal to the greed of the oil companies and in the process get rid of California’s biggest environmental disaster- the city of Los Angeles.

The sordid web went ever deeper. It was exposed that all of rural Central and Southern California was sick of the way LA was lording over them and buying up all their open land to gain water rights. They saw sending LA to the bottom of the sea as a plus element for California, giving it a watery resting place just like the legendary lands of Atlantis and Mu.

The investigators, astounded by their discoveries, nonetheless kept their information under wraps. As shocked as they were, they agreed that it was a case of justifiable sabotage and promptly began buying up land along where they estimated the new Pacific beachfront would be.

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Posted in Technology7 Comments

Too Much Data? Google To Lease Storage Space In People’s Heads

Too Much Data? Google To Lease Storage Space In People’s Heads

Internet giant Google has come up with a solution to its data storage problems. The exponential growth in the use of the Internet has caused many of the top web site facilities to experience excruciating problems with where to put all the billions of bits of info that people the world over log into the web every minute of every day. Now Google has come up with a solution it believes is viable. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology1 Comment

I Bought My Computer, But Bill Gates Still Owns It

I Bought My Computer, But Bill Gates Still Owns It

At least that’s the way it seems… I bought my Sony Vaio Mini (which I am happy with except for its unfortunate affiliation with the a fore mentioned gentleman) after a bad run of karma with my prior two computers. Both were Toshibas (again, both fine computers.). Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology9 Comments

Google’s Latest Translation Device Helps Families Communicate

Google’s Latest Translation Device Helps Families Communicate

When you think of Google, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For millions of Americans, it’s the fact that they didn’t listen to investment advice back in 2004 to buy 500 shares at $45.

But the second thing that comes to mind when you mention Google is this: innovation.

Among Google’s most impressive innovations is Google Translate, which lets you translate a phrase from one language into any of more than sixty other languages – even Latin – which comes in really handy if you’re considering becoming say, the Archbishop of Kent. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology3 Comments

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning.

Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms. Apple founder Steve Jobs was the first to be imprinted in the I-Mback, and he encouraged investors from the grave to “get on board, unless you’re retarded or something.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

Recycling Republicans

Recycling Republicans

SCENARIO- A secret laboratory deep underground beneath the American Heritage Think Tank And Karaoke Lounge in Washington. It is a room filled with strange scientific paraphernalia- tubes transporting strangely colored liquids run here and there connecting into buzzing machines. Varied colored indicator lights flicker on and off. All of these things seem to center upon a mysterious, human-shaped chamber filled with swirling gases in the middle of the room. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Technology1 Comment

Steve Jobs returns as Hologram

Steve Jobs returns as Hologram

Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”

Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology6 Comments

WikiLeaks Apologizes for Accidentally Releasing Everyone’s E-mail

WikiLeaks Apologizes for Accidentally Releasing Everyone’s E-mail

LONDON – The anti-secrecy organization WikiLeaks  today issued a public apology for what it termed a “programming error” that resulted in the accidental release of all deleted messages of the world’s e-mail users.

“We sincerely regret this error,” WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said in the statement, “and we apologize to all those who may be affected by this unfortunate release of their previously private electronic communications.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Top Stories4 Comments

Useful New Keyboard Shortcuts

Most users of the Windows operating system are familiar with such frequently used keyboard shortcuts as Ctrl+C for copying selected text or Ctrl+V for inserting text. A number of new keyboard shortcuts have recently been introduced to assist users in handling common new word processing and electronic communications tasks. Among them are the following: Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

Nano-Chip Brain Implant Allows Users to Instantly Speak Foreign Language

Nano-Chip Brain Implant Allows Users to Instantly Speak Foreign Language

The first-ever nano-chip language translators are rolling off the assembly line and into cosmetic surgeons’ offices quicker than you can say “Se Habla Espanol?” No longer will it be necessary for those wishing to learn a second or even third language to go through the arduous process of weeks and weeks of studying tapes or attending language classes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology11 Comments

Wikileaks Insider Leak: Assange is Developing Nuclear Capabilities

Wikileaks Insider Leak: Assange is Developing Nuclear Capabilities

United States intelligence sources are claiming that Wilileaks Founder, Julian Assange’s recent release of highly sensitive cables is just the tip of the iceberg of what Assange is truly capable of. They paint the picture of a man who considers himself to be one of the most important figures in shaping the way the countries of the world relate to each other. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Technology1 Comment

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

It began with video from a California news helicopter. A rapidly ascending object is seen leaving a con trail against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset, several miles offshore. Rampant speculation followed, amid Pentagon denials of any ‘Area 51’ type activity.

It now appears the Pentagon was telling the truth this time, and today dawns an uncertain new era in human history. Extraterrestrial life has been found; just not in the place we were looking. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, War Zone0 Comments

India Plans Space Station Call Ctr., How May It Help You?

India Plans Space Station Call Ctr., How May It Help You?

BANGALORE, INDIA (Glossy News) — India plans to launch its first manned space mission in 2016, moving to become the fourth nation to put a man in space (fifth if you count Russia and the USSR separately, which many cold warriors do) — but it comes with a peculiar pro-business twist.

The estimated cost for the single mission is currently at a reasonable $2.76 billion – or about $2.43 per Indian citizen (most of whom earn less than a dollar a year), given 2010 population statistics. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology11 Comments

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.

The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Travel2 Comments

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology2 Comments

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