Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Read more Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Share

“Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

WASHINGTON – The newly appointed US Drone Czar announced today that attack drones operating on US soil may not attack US banks without prior approval of the Federal Reserve Bank.

“Let me be clear,” stated General Quentin Easing, the new US Homeland Drone Czar. “We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank. We can’t just attack any bank we like. It’s the law.” Read more “Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

Share

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years. Read more The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

Share

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Read more HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

Share

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Read more Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Share