Trump Names Jared and Ivanka Ventilator Co-Czars

Washington, DC (AP) At yesterday’s White House press briefing President Trump made the stunning announcement that his daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner, by Executive Order # 1001, will assume the newly created positions of Ventilator co-Czars. The action was spurred by the President’s purported dissatisfaction with the projected ventilator estimates recently made public by the General Motors-Ventec collaborative “crash” production program. The president accused the companies of dragging their feet and incompetence and suggested that greed and profitability, underlying the push to obtain “top dollar,” were the cause. He went on to astutely observe that, “Always a mess with Mary B”*… “It is disgraceful what she is doing!” Curiously, at the same time his diatribe was airing, health care and business leaders were heaping lavish praise on the Joint Venture for its stellar performance.   Critics argue that Trump’s rant is just another page out to his (actually Goebbell’s) “Bright Shiny Objects” chapter used to distract the public from the real incompetence and absence of leadership that has been laid at the door of the Oval Office.

So, consistent with Herr Goebbell’s (a person he reveres almost as much as Roy Cohn) philosophy, in an attempt to further divert and confuse us, he has doubled down and created the Office of Ventilator Management and has appointed his daughter and son-in-law as leaders. “These fine individuals are just brilliant and despite the fact that their experience has only been in real estate property development, brand management and breathing—they deeply appreciate the importance of breathing and will commit their heart and souls and eventually their minds to the goal of ensuring every American will have a chance to breathe!” …“They told me that one of their first actions will be to distribute to every man, woman and child holding a US Passport (heh! heh!) a Smart Watch—you know the ones that remind you breathe! Now you tell me if that isn’t just a fantastic idea!” His statement was followed by raucous applause from White House aides in attendance, led by Chief Brown Noser, Kelly Anne Conjob. Afterwards, was queried about her unbridled enthusiasm she said, “Two words—Nobel Prize!”   Her husband George T. Conway III, when later asked about his wife’s Nobel Prize comment he responded, “Two Words—For Narcissism.”

The mandate of the new office is quite extensive in that it requires all existing Health Care Agency personnel (e.g., CDC, Surgeon General, FDA,  Dr. Fauci, etc.) to directly report to the co-Czars. When asked about his reaction to the “co-Czarship” and the abilities of the Kushners to function competently in light of  this extremely complex and important challenge, Vice President Pence said, “Ivanka, Jared and I have had many, many long discussions on the Philosophy of Science and they have always shown a deep interest and grasp of such breathing related issues as sinus congestion, snoring, sleep Apnia, CPR and sneezing—to name a few. The President has made an excellent choice and I promise you their performance will be breathless—‘har-har’ pun intended!” In contrast, Kushner’s high school counsellor Ms. Dorcas Jankowski when asked to comment said, “Pence really said that? Geesh! Truth be known Jared really sucked at biology, chemistry, physics and astronomy. Er! did I leave any out? God help us if we have to put up with him blindly carrying out President Whackjob’s orders. Maybe Ivanka could carry him, but I’m not familiar with her academic background. However, I am certain of one thing–that expertise in marketing would not be very helpful.”  A leaked transcript from the University of Pennsylvania reinforced Jankowski’s observation in that it revealed that Ivanka was equally mediocre in science and was able to avoid most of the science curriculum requirements by somehow convincing her Dean (of course with Daddy’s “help”) that Phys-Ed courses were really studies in Applied Bio-Mechanics, for which she should be given science credits. It also does not bode well that after crashing a recent COVID19 press briefing that Kushner’s lacklustre presence there merited the Huffington Post referring to him as the “Clown Prince.” One wag suggested a more appropriate appellation would be the “Clown Blintz” given that Jared is about as animated, smart and insipid as the aforementioned pastry. In a related development, an unexpected show of support for Ivanka was issued in a statement by the National Organization for Women (NOW),

The President’s idea of a co-Czarship is just another example of his outrageous misogynistic behavior. Everyone knows that Ivanka is a million times smarter than her nincompoop husband (which is not saying a lot, mind you) yet she has been marginalized by her father (as he does with all women) by placing her on an equal footing with a moron. So, forget co-Czar, it should be Czarina Ivanka and Rodentski** Jared! You go girl!

On Capitol hill the usually unctuous, “Trumpportive” Senator Lindsey Graham commented, “Thiza justa ‘nother zample offa marvelus Presidant takin da bull by da horns! But, hey I gotta tell ya iffa we hadda brung dis ting up to da Senate fluur furra vote, he wuldda hadda ditch da liddle, gizzard-necked Yahooty.*** Meanwhile, aides said the President called Lou Dobbs and told him to expect another autographed Dow Jones graphic soon, because “this is really going to breathe life into the markets!”****

*Mary B. is Mary Barra, President of GM.

**Means Gopher in Russian.

***An affectionate South Carolinian Redneck term meaning Jewboy.

****No way was this intended! The President actually thinks that “pun” is a German term describing a woman’s erogenous zone (as in “… I just grab them by the pun”). He learned this from his immigrant grandfather.  

Author: Lew Tuck

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