Apple Memo — Marketing iPhones to Other Species:

Prominent Features, Apps & Uses

From: Apple Marketing

To: Executive Board

CC: Research & Development [R&D]; Internal Animal Safety Representatives [ASF]

We know you are as pleased as we are that sales keep booming as we produce new iPhone generations to make older versions obsolete. Even geezers and ex-Luddites would fight somebody trying to wrestle away our devices. Since, however, an excess of 3 billion people worldwide use at least one of these ubiquitous treasures, we are concerned the smartphone market is becoming saturated.

We marketers, in the spirit of American capitalism, propose that R&D seek ways to produce iPhones that have prominent features, apps and uses appealing to other species. We are copying our miniscule ASF department, usually needed only to oversee commercial shoots or beat back concerns about our plants harming so-called threatened species, in the event our people might need to get involved to ensure other species aren’t hurt (wink, wink) in testing. Nobody, of course, would want pulsing electrical waves to make a fly’s wings melt.

Below find potential buyers among other species and features, apps and uses that might sell them on our product, and a succinct summary of the benefit to them:

Elephants (Dropbox) – Augments vaunted memory storage

Dogs (IM) – Avoid leg lift messaging on bushes and hydrants

Snails (Gmail) – Upgraded from snail mail

Armadillos (Urban Armor Gear Monarch Case) – Rugged protection

Tortoises (5G Mobile Network) – The hare finally goes down

Homing Pigeons (GPS) – E.T. would also have loved this tracking app

Moles (Phone lights) – Holy Moley! Seeing in the dark

Brood X Cicadas (Ashley Madison) – Discreet hookups every 13-17 years

Wildebeest (Waze) – Commutes (a.k.a., migrates) with 1.5 million other creatures

Horses (Zappos) – They nail good shoes

Molas or Ocean Sunfish (Marco Polo) – Tracking 300 million eggs spawned in one go

Beavers (Calculator and Home Depot) – Ordering dam building materials

Nightingales (Karaoke-A-GoGo) – Poets and ballads laud night song

Mice (Remote Mouse) – Vital to every [eco]system

Robins (Twitter) – Rockin’ Robin prexy went tweet, tweet, tweet.

Hippos (Photoshop) – Slim downed in selfies

Pigs (Fox News) – Rooting around in slop

Gazelles and Giraffes (N.B.A.) – Following kindred spirits

Kangaroos (Pocket) – Holds valued things

Trout (Netflix) – Streaming: a way of life

Bats (MLB App) – Balls? See giant mouse lemur

Porpoises (Zoom) – Schooling priority even in Covid-19 times

Chimpanzees (You Tube) – Never met a camera they didn’t like

Pound Dogs (Facebook) – Best Friend me, please!

Tomcats (Ovia Fertility and Cycle Tracker) – Heat seeker

Dolphins (Babbel) – Have own language; learn English?

Gray Whales (Pokemon Go) – Get around: migrate 14,000 miles

Cane Toads (Uber) – Mr. Toad’s wild ride on pythons

Nile Crocodiles (QAnon) – Burrowing into deep state, 39 feet under

Honey Bees (Just Dance Now) – Shake behinds to communicate

Gut Bacteria (Salesforce) — Seamlessly integrating disparate systems

Spiders (Echosec Beacon) – To avoid spinning dark web

Penguins (Rent My Wardrobe) – Tuxedos and formal wear

Red Foxes (WebMD) – Helps determine if prey’s “playing possum”

Vultures (DoorDash) – Swooping in when dinner gets left

Bears (SleepIQ) – Promises good season’s hibernation

Roosters (Clock Alarm) – Old wakeup call for the birds

Goldfish (Movesum) — Counting laps instead of steps

Mosquitoes (Vampify) – Animated vampire better look

Gorillas (TED) – “Talking” and “chest beating” with the best

Bonobos (Pleasure Machine) – Primate’s sexual behavior features variety

Owls (Kindle) – Reading’s a good way to get/stay wise

Viruses (Pac-Man) – Gobble up cells one at a time

Swallows (Google Calendar / Weather) – Don’t miss Capistrano flight

Ants (Redecor) – Home design no game for colony

Arctic Terns (AirBnb) – Places to roost during 18,000-mile migration

Reindeer (Pornhub) – Winter wonderland for horny creatures

Coyotes (Skype) – Howling out to Eurasian jackal cousin

Caterpillar (Born Again) – Praise be! Rapturously saved

Mediterranean Octopuses — (Where’s Waldo?) – Camouflaged on sea floor

Pacific Chorus Frogs (Spotify) – With dark mask, could be “Masked Singer”

Rhinos (Mastercard)– Charge anything at any time  

Zebras / Wild Horses — (Yelp) Stampeding: a.k.a., crowd-sourcing

Oxpecker Birds (Siri) – Zebra personal assistant, eating off ticks

Author: Ken Hogarty

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