With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.
Surprisingly, it just so happens that crappy low-budget cable shows have given in to the perpetual “progressive pressure” that is self-indulgently and self-promotingly applied by a certain variety of limousine-liberal, ivory-tower benefactor known as a “diversity expert.”
Yes: the PC cause du jour of Big Disability, to wit, giving autistic/Asperger’s people “more representation” in the media, is one that Big Cable is pretty damn down with. Although obviously, letting us “special folks” speak for OURSELVES is quite clearly not on the menu. Have a look at what the following highly talented and benevolent television personality had to say… Read more “Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp ›
Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.
“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).
“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.
While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.
“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.
“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.
The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.
In a move sure to invite controversy, Fox Television executive Brandon Webber yesterday announced the network has just completed shooting a pilot for a planned reality series set on the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip.
‘Going Gazan,’ which Webber describes as a “rough synthesis” of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and ‘Breaking Bad,’ is filmed in the Israeli city of Sderot, which lies less than a mile from Gaza.
I have to admit, I liked the first Sharknado. It was so unpretentiously bad with an overtly self-mocking flavor, it was easy to just sit back and enjoy the total disregard for logic.
When they announced a sequel, I exercised the same cautious enthusiasm I had about a Piranha 3D sequel. These things can either get better with a bigger budget…or crash and burn like flaming hammerheads.
Announcer: Continuing their “Yucky World” interview with network programmer Seymour Dooless, Dick and Janey will be using examples of televised sexual situations.
Dick: We’ve brought a TV monitor into our studio so that we can show scenes from some typical TV shows.
Janey: Our first show is the daytime soap opera, “The Young and the Feckless”. Let’s see what’s going on.
She #2: Well, he kept bugging me, and we kept getting closer and closer, and finally we did it. She #1: Did you use any protection? She #2: Why? They never do on TV. She #1: Right. She #2: I can’t wait until I turn sixteen, so I can really start dating.
Janey: No surprises there. Any comments, Mr. Dooless?
Dooless: Well, this doesn’t have any influence on children because they’re at school when it’s on TV.
Janey: What if they record it?
Dooless: Then it’s their parents’ responsibility.
Dick: Gee, I never knew any girls like that when I was in high school.
Dick: What about summer vacation?
Dooless: Kids are outside playing during the summer.
Janey: Playing what? Doctor?
Dick: We used to play “Doctor” when I was a kid, but I never got a chance to understand the game.
Janey: Still no surprises.
Dick: I was the outside security guard for our clubhouse hospital. It was pretty quiet in there, so the game couldn’t have been much fun.
Janey: Su-u-re, Dick. Now, let’s take a look at our second selection, the prime time series, “Let My Family Be”.
She: He only tries to sneak out once a week to see his mistress. He: Can’t you encourage him to go out more? She: He might get suspicious. He: I’ve missed you so, Darling! She: It’s been so long, Dear!
Dick: Does this kind of stuff with mistresses really go on?
Janey: More than you might think, Dick. Especially on TV!
Dick: Well, can a single man have a mistress or do you have to be married?
Janey: Why don’t you ask your mother, Dick?
Dick: She’d just tell me to ask my father.
Dick: He’d just tell me to watch more TV and ask fewer questions.
Dooless: You have to remember, this is an evening show. It’s up to parents if they want their children to see it. Besides, some of us view these affairs as nothing more than peccadillos.
Dick: Well, why can’t they pick on something other than a dillo?
Announcer: Fictional TV shows are often criticized for having too much sex on them. Dick and Janey, talks show hosts of “Yucky World”, will be discussing this issue with network programmer Seymour Dooless.
Janey: Our topic for today asks the question “Is there too much sex on TV?” This program may not be appropriate for children. Parental discretion is advised.
Dick: Has it gone that far?
Janey: Has what gone where?
Dick: You know…
Janey: Speak up, Dick!
Dick: …on television.
Janey: That depends on what you mean by “how far”?
Dick: Sounds like a question from my last date.
Janey: You’re dating?
Dick: Well, it was actually a blind date.
Dick: She asked me how far I wanted to go.
Janey: And you said…
Dick: That I didn’t want to leave the county.
Janey: Oh-kay, Dick. Mr. Dooless, is there more sex on TV?
Dooless: Yes, but we think that’s what’s happening in real life, too.
Janey: There was an episode on “How I Met Your Mother” where one of the main characters achieved his goal of a “perfect week” by having sex with seven different women. Do you think that’s real life?
Dooless: Well, you know, TV characters aren’t your average people.
Janey: But they’re watched by average people.
Dick: And their kids.
Janey: Who may not see the real life consequences of all this sexual activity.
Dick: A Rand study found that teens who watched racy TV shows were much more likely to become pregnant than those who didn’t watch those shows.
Dooless: Fictional television stories aren’t real. We’re not responsible for what happens in real life.
Janey: You may have just said the key words, Mr. Dooless.
Dooless: Really? What were they?
Janey: “Not responsible”.
Dick: How about influential? Do you see TV shows as influencing people’s lives?
Dooless: We provide entertainment for people.
Janey: You will admit that sponsors buy advertising time to try to influence the audience to buy their products.
Dooless: Sure, but that’s different. Products advertised on TV are real. Therefore, they can be influential and have real life consequences.
Janey: But fictional TV shows are…
Janey: I think we’d better break for a commercial. This whole conversation is beginning to seem awfully unreal.
Dick: That’s what my blind date said about me.
Janey: That you were unreal?
Dick: Right! And my mother even agreed with her.
Janey: Your mother?
Dick: Yeah. She was in the backseat with a map of the county.
After Congress presented the U.S with a bill called “HIJO DE SU PUTA MADRE”, the corporation responsible for distributing the Hispanic culture’s entertainment programs on television, Univision, was declared bankrupt, leaving thousands in ruin and on the streets.
Bloomington, IL – The actor who plays “Jake, from State Farm”, we’ll call him Jake, from State Farm, in the famous insurance firm’s commercial, is suing the company for stereotyping him as “hideous” and ruining his love life.
The actor seeks $5 million in damages and says, “I figured that amount could buy me quite a bit of love in many countries around the world.”
The precocious baby known for turning millions on to online trading, and making millions for himself, is reportedly blowing through his fortune at an alarming rate since E-Trade pulled the plug on the commercial campaign which made him famous.
‘E’, as his friends know him, has been spending like a drunken baby sailor in the last year on things like hookers, booze and gambling.
(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.
The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.
The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – This week physicist Dr. George H. Gebbins finally pinpointed the very beginning of what has been called The Big Bang Theory, thanks to the detection of essentially a beam of light that has been traveling the universe for years.