The moment Fatima and Bieber landed in Alessi Exile Airport in Bishop’s Kennedy, Queensland…
A lawless horde of vicious, beer-swilling, assless-police-uniforms-and-cowboy-hats-porting, official-public-order-batons-wielding bogans descended upon Fatima and Bieber!
‘No! I love you, Gagaaaaaaaa! Don’t take Gagaaaaaaaa away from meeeeeee!’ screamed Bieber, at a strident pitch so screamingly high, only Fatima could hear him…
(This, needless to say, was several dozen octaves lower than his normal voice).
‘Thank Cerberus you saved me!’ barked Fatima, wagging his tail with joy.
‘Don’t worry, mate! That’s the last time that troublemaking bastard sneaks into our country without good reason and starts causing trouble. I mean, it’s not like he’s a diplomat or politician from a genuinely civilised country…
‘You know, like USA/Australia… insofar as there’s a difference, which of course there isn’t! Least not in foreign policy, mate!’
‘I’m so happy now I’m free!’ beamed Fatima, genially licking the gentle hands and sanctified arses of the Australian authorities.
‘Hah! Mate! You out of your flaming mind? You’re going to be executed! I mean, all this crap about dogs spreading rabies and all that stuff…
‘Much worse things in this world than that! Taking that unmusical little idiot into our country? You’d have got off more lightly sneaking 50 cases of pure Afghan heroin into Indonesia or China or something like that!
‘Especially if you’ve got diplomatic immunity…
‘But then again, not one of our politicians or diplomats have ever been accused of that! Well yeah…
‘I mean, we’ve always got a few predator drones circling around ABC headquarters just in case they start spreading unfounded rumours about this.’
Upon hearing this, the ‘international information superhighway community’ immediately started dividing into two somewhat less homogenous, or rather, (to speak somewhat less euphemistically), viciously partisan camps.
Notable Twitter troll and respected Facebook flamer Shepherd Cowbell eloquently proclaimed:
OMfrkknGg they should have just let the dog gooooo so frkKnin harsh i mean anywayz just let him pay a fine like jHonny deepp maybe lik thtt but OMgZ the, law is unfaird i f*@kin, h8h ostraliahnN frickkin stupid lawzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((# #
And renowned web forum troublemaker and cynical ideological polemicist Suzy-Soo Sousa put in her highly-valued two cents worth (or 49 cents, depending on whether or not she was a paid Canberra shill):
LoLz jk Shep cowbll or should I say STUPId Cowbell u ar a flaming douchebag don’t you know its unfair theyr’s’re” #1 rule for those dogs and one for ordinary non-rich fowkz like us ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa OP is @ fagott DIE SHEP DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (#>_________________>#####
Justin Bieber was unavailable, unquotable, (or at least unlistenable) for comment last night…
But rumour has it that Julian Assange is threatening to hand himself over to the UK police if Bieber plans to drop in for refuge at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.
Still, the UK government have decided to seal the borders instead; as even pissing off the world’s largest nuclear power by failing to arrest Julian Assange is the lesser of two evils.
On the other hand, a couple of notable American dynasties have sworn to do all it takes to make sure the unaccountable Westminster regime (and indeed, the entire continents of Europe and Australasia) will not survive for a single millisecond, should they audaciously dare to defy the wrath of the International Community.
On the other hand, if you’re a continent or region rich in achingly material and rigidly quantifiable bargaining chips…
Well, they’re open to negotiation.
Negotiation of a very particular kind, needless to say…
Note: The original version of this two-part piece appeared on my blog: