The Destructive Effects of Capitalism

The Destructive Effects of Capitalism

I wanted to read an article entitled “The Destructive Effects of Capitalism.” It was written by an intellectual who was somewhat right about most everything except practicality. He’s one of those people who writes a lot of those sounds good, won’t work articles.

In his last published opinion he used the term green rape when referring to air pollution, greed and environmental damage. In the comments section I tried to lighten the tone by adding that if you put an “se” in front of rape it becomes a tasseled shawl people wear in Spain, Mexico and gay pride parades. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Politicians, Pundits and Pursuers of Poontang

Politicians, Pundits and Pursuers of Poontang

I wanted to learn a second language. There are approximately 6,900 of them out there to choose from and I couldn’t decide which one to spend my time on.

I ruled out Chamicuro right away because only 8 people in the world spoke that language. I saw a picture of them, all toothless and horribly wrinkled, gathered together in the center of their village in Peru. I figured by the time I learned to speak Chamicuro they would all be dead.

I also drew a line through Dumi Bo’o, Liki, Njerep and Kaixana for pretty much the same reason. I talk to myself enough as it is.

It only made sense to choose a language spoken by the most people. French, German and Mandarin seem to be the big hitters. With Russian, Spanish and Japanese close behind.

Esperanto is supposed to be an international language, the one spoken by the most people around the globe. I don’t know anyone who speaks Esperanto so I didn’t bother with that one either.

It soon occurred to me there was another international language. One that everyone spoke but few understood. As odd as that sounds, it was true. People were always hearing it spoken but not really understanding it. And when they spoke it to someone else their real meaning was lost to the listener.

I wasn’t sure how something could be so prevalent and yet so completely misunderstood. It was here I found my language of choice and set out determined to become fluent in Bullshit.

It was the obvious choice because Bullshit is the preferred language of politicians, pundits and pursuers of poontang. I happily include myself in the latter category but my sense of honor prohibits me from taking undue advantage of anyone. So, I vowed to use my new found literacy in Bullshit for intellectual pursuits only and not try to talk some unsuspecting young woman into doing things she never knew she wanted to do.

It became evident at once that Bullshit was the sole form of communication used by the news media. That would be my focus of study. I worked hard at it and once I gained proficiency in this mother tongue I was astounded at what I was finally able to understand. It was very disheartening.

I will share some of what I learned but I feel you need to learn for yourself. As I did, start with the news media and after a bit I’m sure you will begin to recognize all the different dialects of Bullshit. I have listed a few of them below to help get you started.

Mostly Bullshit

This one was difficult to pick up at first because there are specks of truth here and there. But it is only used to camouflage the real Bullshit.

Mostly Bullshit is both misleading and convincing at the same time. It assumes if they feed one slice of the pie you’ll happily pounce on what’s left. Be careful here. It takes a practiced eye to spot and understand it.

Biased Bullshit

This one will acknowledge no other point of view. It takes shameful advantage by telling you what you want to hear. It is utterly devoid of any perspective. It convinces you that what they tell you is good and anything anyone else tells you is bad.

You need to take great care with this one because it can overwhelm your sensibility and leave you believing what you are being told is the absolute truth.

Straight Faced Bullshit

This is a much used dialect and can be seen either in a panel format or a single individual staring you right in the eye. In the panel format a group of people will speak Straight Faced Bullshit between themselves while you watch and listen. They sometimes become quite animated while insisting what they are saying has any basis in reality whatsoever.

You are outnumbered here so be careful.

When Straight Faced Bullshit is used by a single person they may sometimes employ tools to try and convince you what they are saying is not Bullshit. One of these tools is statistics. At times revealed in charts and graphs held up for your inspection. It can be quite convincing but is actually of no value whatsoever.

The best defense is to dismiss it altogether because there is no way to confirm its accuracy. Which is exactly why they use them. You always need to keep in mind that all users of Straight Faced Bullshit are very well paid. And the more people they can get to listen to them the more money they make. That should always be a red flag.

Total Bullshit

Believe it or not, Total Bullshit can be harder to identify. I have heard it referred to as Blatant Bullshit or Complete Bullshit. They are all pretty much the same thing. There are three ways that I found to detect Total Bullshit. Once you become fluent in Bullshit I am sure you will find many of your own.

The first is when something is attributed to an undisclosed source or a high ranking government official who wishes to remain anonymous. What follows after that is highly likely to be Total Bullshit.

The second is the use of “experts.” Their function is to interpret someone else’s Total Bullshit then add a heap of their own and blend them together in an indistinguishable mess. You have to pay particular attention to this one because somehow they make it all appear plausible. When you become fluent in bullshit you will readily see it makes no sense at all.

The third is closely related to the second one mentioned above. This is of the educated, erudite and urbane variety. These presenters of Total Bullshit try to make you feel as they presume themselves to be. Smart. They rely on convincing you that if you don’t understand what they’re saying it has to be true. Think of them as nothing more than self-important, perfumed dandies.

With Bullshit now under my belt I was able to gain a true perspective on what was really going on. If you are tired of getting suckered then I encourage you to learn how to speak and understand Bullshit as soon as possible.

***

(Contributor’s note: I first heard the expression, “fluent in bullshit”, from Gary Shandling. He may or may not have originated the term; but either way, it’s poor manners to use someone else’s work without proper acknowledgement. Rest In Peace, Gary).

Share

Posted in Education0 Comments

On the Importance of Being an Asshole

On the Importance of Being an Asshole

After deciding one day not to be such an asshole I found myself with a lot more time on my hands. I had spent all my life being told, “If you weren’t such an asshole things would be a lot better around here.” It was something I’d heard over and over again.

In the end, I was surprised how untrue that really was. In fact, it turned out to be the opposite altogether. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Top Stories0 Comments

Pillory and Paddle

Pillory and Paddle

There is a politician who is universally disliked except by the people who keep sending her back to the House of Representatives. Please don’t do that anymore. If you feel that strongly about the woman keep her at home.

She is the only person who ever made me truly regret having given up on the notion of purgatory. I now wish there was cause and effect between her earthly conduct and the fate of her miserable soul. She has never revealed her actual age but I am usually a good guesser and would put her at about 95 or 100. Her husband is a criminal. Well, so is she but somehow no one has gotten around to plopping the pair of them in the hoosegow. But, they are far too wealthy to ever find a bunk there. I can’t reveal her name because the state she represents has a special set of liable laws making it an expensive felony to say anything truthful about her.

Her biography is a tricky thing, changing without consequence to fit any notion that will bring her the most sympathy and votes. Once she was descended from Native American tribes. Then from slave stock, then from harried immigrant blood. Whatever cause is at the forefront she is in the thick of it always claiming to be the most oppressed victim of all.

Finding her real beginnings proved difficult. I wanted to find out whose privates had been sorely used by Beelzebub and forced into the despicable do-si-do that spawned her. Any reliable documents have been long purged. A study of her face brings to mind Sauron and his possible use of it as the prototype for his orcs. But even that necromancer could never conjure up such a face of evil. She has to have a past beyond the deception and thievery that plagues us now. She had to come from somewhere.

It took months of hard work to track down one bitter old man who years before claimed to know the identity of this woman’s real mother. Foul things had come to him after his disclosure. His temerity had nearly cost him his life. But he never backed away from his claim and when I went to visit him he produced a yellowed news clipping. One he keep safe in a small plastic sandwich bag. It was an article from Starlet Magazine, a Hollywood publication that dealt with the scandals and hijinks of silent screen sirens. This one featured Normani O’Rourke. He swore she was her real mother.

I left and began researching Normani O’Rourke. To find out all I could about her. She had been a silent film star cast as a sultry wench who seduced the best known actors of her time. Both on and off the set. She’d been in a well-publicized fight with Mae Busch. A starlet from Australia. They had argued over who was going to play Cleopatra in an upcoming blockbuster directed by D.W. Griffith. A titan of his time. They both wanted the role but Mae took ol’ D.W. behind the backdrop and won the job. Normani fumed.

Turning her back on legitimate films, Normani started to do illegitimate ones. She changed her name to Ma Bush to get back at her old rival. She had her hair dyed and styled to match Mae Busch and even had a birthmark tattooed on her cheek to match the distinctive feature her nemesis used as her trademark. In the graininess of the medium of the day they looked nearly identical.

Her first film was entitled, Ma Bush Goes to the Meat Market. Thin on plot, except for Ma Bush taking on all the meat cutters for a free lamb chop, it was action packed. And thoroughly embarrassing for Mae Busch who repeatedly denied it was her.

Her second film was Ma Bush Comes Home, a film about the prodigal daughter returning home for the holidays. No one was safe. Uncles, cousins and even a few aunts were part of the shenanigans. For the final scene the table was cleared and Ma Bush lay naked upon it, taking on all comers while her father pounded out a lively ragtime piece on the family piano.

Mae Busch was ruined and turned to drink. She named Normani O’Rourke as the real Ma Bush but no one believed her. She could no longer find work on the big screen and all of her friends deserted her in disgust. Excoriating sermons were composed and delivered expounding the evils of her debauchery, promiscuity and incest. Mae Busch died an ignominious and lonely death.

As an aside, Mae Busch wasn’t the only victim. I too lost a person close to me because of this. In Ma Bush’s old black and white films everyone always went really fast. I was intrigued by this style of lovemaking. I didn’t find out until later that old film makes just makes it look that way. They really didn’t go that fast. I tried it on my girlfriend. She packed up and left even after I promised never to go that fast again.

In celebration of her enemy’s demise, Ma Bush starred in the extravaganza Ma Bush Joins the Logging Camp. Posing as the camp’s shy and virtuous laundry maid, Ma Bush went through every lumberjack, cook and log splitter. Moving from one five man tent to the next she took them all on.

In the daylight hours Ma Bush would take picnic lunches out to the men laboring in the woods. She flitted around like a forest sprite taking on one clump of long bearded wood choppers after another. She was an avalanche of shamefulness, fun and abandon. Portraying on film what only the worst of reprobates would attempt behind a closed door.

But Mae Busch was dead and it didn’t take long for everyone to catch on to the ruse. They all said, “That’s not Mae Busch, it’s really Normani O’Rourke!” That was what the old man’s article had said. It said that somewhere in those sinful acts biology won out and Ma Bush, now outed as Normani O’Rourke left the bacchanalian orgies with not only splinters but also pregnant with the politician who would end up doing so much damage to all of us.

In the end we all paid the price for Normani’s revenge on Mae Busch by being forced to fill the greedy, cold hearted pockets of Normani’s dark issue. And when we can pay no more all that’s left for us rabble is the pillory and paddle.

Share

Posted in Politics0 Comments

Demagoonery

Demagoonery

If demagoguery plays to our prejudices and fears, then demagoonery adds our gullibility and a dearth of honest information to the mix. Here’s an example:

During Obama’s second term the stock market did a little 50 point dipsy doodle. One side blasted out, “Market Tumbles in Response to Obama Economic Disaster.” The other side said, “Small Market Correction Shows Economy is Healthy”.

When the same thing happened two years later under a different administration, the people who thought the first 50 point dip was a healthy sign now proclaimed it a harbinger of doom. The other side who hinted we were headed for a crash now claimed it was the sign of a robust economy. Nothing but demagoonery.

Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Serious Commentary0 Comments

Fighting Hate with Hate

Fighting Hate with Hate

I recently got a bad headache and had to lie down. It snuck up on me while I was researching the word fascist. The reason for my interest in fascism was Yvette Felarca.

She’s a special kind of crazy. People who take things way too far are either deeply admired or deeply despised. Yvette feels if you don’t take things way too far, nothing will ever get done. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Serious Commentary3 Comments

Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

I heard the bulletin at work. There was a riot at the Ralph Kramden Elementary School in Los Angeles. That was my son’s school. I left work to hurry down and find him. When I got there hundreds of teachers were marching around the school chanting, “That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat! That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat!” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Top Stories0 Comments

Fighting Over the Birth Canal

Fighting Over the Birth Canal

We fought the mosquitos for the Panama Canal. Thousands died fighting over the Suez Canal and between the snakes and the Untouchables, the Ganges Canal was a nightmare.

But they were nothing compared to the current hubbub surrounding the Birth Canal.

A canal that has caused more trouble than all the other canals combined. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Top Stories0 Comments

Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

The U.S. Supreme Court handed the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions a clear victory yesterday by defining a labor union as “one or more people doing more or less the same thing.” The landmark case of BEU vs. Clive Nuevo, gave the BEU the right to organize unions wherever they felt one was needed.

Mr. Nuevo claimed he was organized and unionized against his will by the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions whom he said snuck up behind him while he was fishing by himself on the bank of a small lake in southern New Mexico. When he refused to pay dues to the newly created Catfisherman’s Local 102, Clive was sued by the BEU for breach of implied contract.

The defense team presented the common sense argument that it was impossible for a new union to be formed without an existing company. They accused the BEU of extorting money from people by randomly declaring them to be members of a union they just made up and then demanding the new union member start paying dues.

The attorneys for the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions argued that labor, in any form, is vulnerable to exploitation and needs the protection of an organized union.

The court sided with the BEU and Clive was ordered to start paying dues and held him responsible for all past dues now in arrears. The historic decision also ruled that a company is naturally created when a new union comes into existence, otherwise the union, now considered the key entity, could not exist.

And therefore Mr. Nuevo was not only a union member now protected under the bylaws of the BEU, but also the default owner of said company. And as such was found to be in violation of the 1935 National Labor Relations Act that specifically prohibits management personnel from doing jobs protected by the union. The Catfisherman’s Local 102 filed an immediate union grievance against Mr. Nuevo on behave of Mr. Nuevo.

The verdict was a disappointment to many people who also felt they had been unionized unfairly. After hearing the court’s ruling a member of Line Standers Local 113, Coffee Drinkers Local 92 and Public Restroom Urinators Local 75 said, “Those damn union guys followed me all around the mall. Mr. Nuevo ought to consider himself lucky to only be in one union. I don’t know how I am going to afford all these dues.”

Share

Posted in Top Stories0 Comments

World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

Bobby “Stock Still” Jenkins, arguably the world’s most well-known dead body, has died at the age of 62. “When I found him lying face down in his breakfast, I just thought he was doing it again. Pretending to be dead when he really wasn’t,” Mrs. Grace Jenkins, Bobby’s wife of 35 years said. “I’m still not absolutely sure, but he’s been in the ground three days now and nothing yet.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures, Top Stories5 Comments

Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

I read somewhere that Black Bloc is a tactic and not necessarily a group. That’s scary stuff. Knocking heads and setting fires isn’t a new idea. But the idea of doing it just for the hell of it seems to be catching on. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists are getting pissed because the role of the honest anarchist is becoming a pitiful, diluted version of itself. Once proud agitators, archduke whackers and bomb chuckers, they are now being eclipsed by these neo-anarchists who agitate by proxy for profit. Meaning they get paid well for getting other people to do the dirty work.

I now belong to the group called Anarchist Against Anarchy (Please don’t try to turn it into an acronym and then call me to come tow your car). A real anarchist never truly wanted to destroy everything. Tom can never catch Jerry. We know better. But this new cadre doesn’t care. They are doing it for money and fame. Historically, the most lethal combination of desires. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary, Top Stories0 Comments

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News (RFN) is the only non-partisan news source left. And its integrity is under sustained attack by the peddlers of illegitimate fake news. It’s being stomped on by those charlatans who declare themselves honest, rational and accurate.

Abdul O’Shaunessy, one of the best known Real Fake News writers working today, emphasized this point by adding, “Those partisan pricks are taking over.”

Abdul is right. The purveyors of illegitimate fake news have cleanly divided into two partisan camps. And each of those camps declare themselves to be the paragon of honesty.

We writers of the RFN say right up front we’re gonna lie like hell and then present our lies honestly in a straightforward manner.

So, who are you going to trust? Those people who tell you what you are about to read is total bullshit or those who swear what they are telling you is the absolute truth?

It’s getting tougher and tougher to compete when we are all telling the same lies about the same people. Those partisan pricks are encroaching into our territory without shame and without mercy.

Let’s take a recent example of an incident that occurred during the presidential inauguration. Specifically, the moment when Mrs. Trump gave Mrs. Obama the traditional gift marking the transition of administrations.

Anti-Trumpers called Melania “A haughty Empress who considers the Obamas lowbrow and quite bourgeois. She showed her disdain by off-handedly tossing her box on the table and moving away from the rabble as fast as she could.”

The Pro-Trumpers referred to the event as “A gracious gesture on the part of Mrs. Trump to show her appreciation of how Mrs. Obama has conducted herself as the FLOTUS.” They called it “typical” when Mrs. Obama showed no appreciation whatsoever.

Mr. O’Shaunessy said the look on Michele’s face betrayed her aching desire to get her hands on Melania’s box. And ever since seeing Melania’s girl on girl spread in the fashion magazine article, she could think of little else.

Now all three are bullshit but the readers of the illegitimate fake news swallowed their preferred versions whole and are happy to repeat it to anyone who thinks just like they do.

But us RFN readers are much more sophisticated.

We understand how things really work.

We are perceptive, sharp and quite clever. We are truly the only intelligent consumers of information left.

Abdul O’Shaunessy had some chilling remarks about the future of Real Fake News.

“They’re filching our stuff. And some brilliant RFN writers, good friends of mine, have been coaxed over to their side. We are starting to lose our best and brightest.”

Please, don’t let our lies continue to lose their credibility.

Get up and call hooey on all of it.

Standup tall for sincere and heartfelt bullshit.

At this critical point, I can do little more than salute your dedication to honesty.

I’m sure Adbul will agree with me when I say that Real Fake News certainly attracts a better class of people.

Share

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Television2 Comments

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

The current political climate has been difficult for public unions.

And if the future can really be portended, then things do look a tad bleak.

The unreasonable expectation of being held responsible for doing your job has caused morale to plummet.

When you walk the halls of the EPA or the IRS or the BFD you can see grief counselors rubbing stooped shoulders and multi-denominational clergy offering spiritual solace to the fearful. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics0 Comments

Award Winning Dick Feted in California

Award Winning Dick Feted in California

Jerry Brown, the aging governor of California, addressed a special session of the state legislature yesterday to nominate Dick Blum, the husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein, to receive this year’s prestigious Charles Crocker Award. Crocker is the well-known Robber Baron from the golden days of the trans-continental railroad. In his remarks, Brown said “Like Charles Crocker before him, Mr. Blum has inspired us all by not allowing himself to be sidetracked by even the most egregious criticisms and name calling.” Governor Brown was referring to the persistent charges of nepotism, corruption and outright thievery after Mr. Blum was given the contract for constructing the long awaited Bullet Train. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics0 Comments

Spreading Elucidation

Spreading Elucidation

© 2017 Tom Skulldaney

Taking sides to champion our own political heroes is like hawking gangrene as the cure for psoriasis. The only side we should take is our own and stay tough on those we’ve allowed to lead us. They only go astray because we let them. For some reason they’ve come to believe we’ve elected them so they can be afforded a good living. A great living in most cases.

When the information age was dumped on us, I suspect there was great concern among those who had burrowed themselves into scurrilous public service. Information threatened our very ignorance. A requirement for their success. Imagine their delight when they discovered it wasn’t a threat at all. It was a tool. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics0 Comments

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial