Fighting Hate with Hate

Fighting Hate with Hate

I recently got a bad headache and had to lie down. It snuck up on me while I was researching the word fascist. The reason for my interest in fascism was Yvette Felarca.

She’s a special kind of crazy. People who take things way too far are either deeply admired or deeply despised. Yvette feels if you don’t take things way too far, nothing will ever get done. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary5 Comments

Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

I heard the bulletin at work. There was a riot at the Ralph Kramden Elementary School in Los Angeles. That was my son’s school. I left work to hurry down and find him. When I got there hundreds of teachers were marching around the school chanting, “That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat! That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat!” Continue Reading

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Fighting Over the Birth Canal

Fighting Over the Birth Canal

We fought the mosquitos for the Panama Canal. Thousands died fighting over the Suez Canal and between the snakes and the Untouchables, the Ganges Canal was a nightmare.

But they were nothing compared to the current hubbub surrounding the Birth Canal.

A canal that has caused more trouble than all the other canals combined. Continue Reading

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Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

The U.S. Supreme Court handed the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions a clear victory yesterday by defining a labor union as “one or more people doing more or less the same thing.” The landmark case of BEU vs. Clive Nuevo, gave the BEU the right to organize unions wherever they felt one was needed.

Mr. Nuevo claimed he was organized and unionized against his will by the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions whom he said snuck up behind him while he was fishing by himself on the bank of a small lake in southern New Mexico. When he refused to pay dues to the newly created Catfisherman’s Local 102, Clive was sued by the BEU for breach of implied contract.

The defense team presented the common sense argument that it was impossible for a new union to be formed without an existing company. They accused the BEU of extorting money from people by randomly declaring them to be members of a union they just made up and then demanding the new union member start paying dues.

The attorneys for the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions argued that labor, in any form, is vulnerable to exploitation and needs the protection of an organized union.

The court sided with the BEU and Clive was ordered to start paying dues and held him responsible for all past dues now in arrears. The historic decision also ruled that a company is naturally created when a new union comes into existence, otherwise the union, now considered the key entity, could not exist.

And therefore Mr. Nuevo was not only a union member now protected under the bylaws of the BEU, but also the default owner of said company. And as such was found to be in violation of the 1935 National Labor Relations Act that specifically prohibits management personnel from doing jobs protected by the union. The Catfisherman’s Local 102 filed an immediate union grievance against Mr. Nuevo on behave of Mr. Nuevo.

The verdict was a disappointment to many people who also felt they had been unionized unfairly. After hearing the court’s ruling a member of Line Standers Local 113, Coffee Drinkers Local 92 and Public Restroom Urinators Local 75 said, “Those damn union guys followed me all around the mall. Mr. Nuevo ought to consider himself lucky to only be in one union. I don’t know how I am going to afford all these dues.”

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World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

Bobby “Stock Still” Jenkins, arguably the world’s most well-known dead body, has died at the age of 62. “When I found him lying face down in his breakfast, I just thought he was doing it again. Pretending to be dead when he really wasn’t,” Mrs. Grace Jenkins, Bobby’s wife of 35 years said. “I’m still not absolutely sure, but he’s been in the ground three days now and nothing yet.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures, Top Stories5 Comments

Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

I read somewhere that Black Bloc is a tactic and not necessarily a group. That’s scary stuff. Knocking heads and setting fires isn’t a new idea. But the idea of doing it just for the hell of it seems to be catching on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists are getting pissed because the role of the honest anarchist is becoming a pitiful, diluted version of itself. Once proud agitators, archduke whackers and bomb chuckers, they are now being eclipsed by these neo-anarchists who agitate by proxy for profit. Meaning they get paid well for getting other people to do the dirty work.

I now belong to the group called Anarchist Against Anarchy (Please don’t try to turn it into an acronym and then call me to come tow your car). A real anarchist never truly wanted to destroy everything. Tom can never catch Jerry. We know better. But this new cadre doesn’t care. They are doing it for money and fame. Historically, the most lethal combination of desires. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary, Top Stories0 Comments

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News (RFN) is the only non-partisan news source left. And its integrity is under sustained attack by the peddlers of illegitimate fake news. It’s being stomped on by those charlatans who declare themselves honest, rational and accurate.

Abdul O’Shaunessy, one of the best known Real Fake News writers working today, emphasized this point by adding, “Those partisan pricks are taking over.”

Abdul is right. The purveyors of illegitimate fake news have cleanly divided into two partisan camps. And each of those camps declare themselves to be the paragon of honesty.

We writers of the RFN say right up front we’re gonna lie like hell and then present our lies honestly in a straightforward manner.

So, who are you going to trust? Those people who tell you what you are about to read is total bullshit or those who swear what they are telling you is the absolute truth?

It’s getting tougher and tougher to compete when we are all telling the same lies about the same people. Those partisan pricks are encroaching into our territory without shame and without mercy.

Let’s take a recent example of an incident that occurred during the presidential inauguration. Specifically, the moment when Mrs. Trump gave Mrs. Obama the traditional gift marking the transition of administrations.

Anti-Trumpers called Melania “A haughty Empress who considers the Obamas lowbrow and quite bourgeois. She showed her disdain by off-handedly tossing her box on the table and moving away from the rabble as fast as she could.”

The Pro-Trumpers referred to the event as “A gracious gesture on the part of Mrs. Trump to show her appreciation of how Mrs. Obama has conducted herself as the FLOTUS.” They called it “typical” when Mrs. Obama showed no appreciation whatsoever.

Mr. O’Shaunessy said the look on Michele’s face betrayed her aching desire to get her hands on Melania’s box. And ever since seeing Melania’s girl on girl spread in the fashion magazine article, she could think of little else.

Now all three are bullshit but the readers of the illegitimate fake news swallowed their preferred versions whole and are happy to repeat it to anyone who thinks just like they do.

But us RFN readers are much more sophisticated.

We understand how things really work.

We are perceptive, sharp and quite clever. We are truly the only intelligent consumers of information left.

Abdul O’Shaunessy had some chilling remarks about the future of Real Fake News.

“They’re filching our stuff. And some brilliant RFN writers, good friends of mine, have been coaxed over to their side. We are starting to lose our best and brightest.”

Please, don’t let our lies continue to lose their credibility.

Get up and call hooey on all of it.

Standup tall for sincere and heartfelt bullshit.

At this critical point, I can do little more than salute your dedication to honesty.

I’m sure Adbul will agree with me when I say that Real Fake News certainly attracts a better class of people.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Television3 Comments

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

The current political climate has been difficult for public unions.

And if the future can really be portended, then things do look a tad bleak.

The unreasonable expectation of being held responsible for doing your job has caused morale to plummet.

When you walk the halls of the EPA or the IRS or the BFD you can see grief counselors rubbing stooped shoulders and multi-denominational clergy offering spiritual solace to the fearful. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Award Winning Dick Feted in California

Award Winning Dick Feted in California

Jerry Brown, the aging governor of California, addressed a special session of the state legislature yesterday to nominate Dick Blum, the husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein, to receive this year’s prestigious Charles Crocker Award. Crocker is the well-known Robber Baron from the golden days of the trans-continental railroad. In his remarks, Brown said “Like Charles Crocker before him, Mr. Blum has inspired us all by not allowing himself to be sidetracked by even the most egregious criticisms and name calling.” Governor Brown was referring to the persistent charges of nepotism, corruption and outright thievery after Mr. Blum was given the contract for constructing the long awaited Bullet Train. Continue Reading

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Spreading Elucidation

Spreading Elucidation

© 2017 Tom Skulldaney

Taking sides to champion our own political heroes is like hawking gangrene as the cure for psoriasis. The only side we should take is our own and stay tough on those we’ve allowed to lead us. They only go astray because we let them. For some reason they’ve come to believe we’ve elected them so they can be afforded a good living. A great living in most cases.

When the information age was dumped on us, I suspect there was great concern among those who had burrowed themselves into scurrilous public service. Information threatened our very ignorance. A requirement for their success. Imagine their delight when they discovered it wasn’t a threat at all. It was a tool. Continue Reading

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What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?

What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?

© 2017 Tom Skulldaney

I write regulations for the government’s Farm Improvement and Protection Bureau. I know nothing about farms. But I do know you can’t get ahead in a bureaucracy if you know too much about what you’re doing. It grates on your fellow bureaucrats and gets on the boss’s nerves. The rule I go by is: If your regulations do not create at least four more jobs in the department, stop and rewrite them.

On the wall of my office is an inspirational farm themed poster. Every office is required to have one. Mine is a man in a suit and sunglasses holding up a horse’s tail and pointing underneath it. The caption at the top asks, “What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?” The answer at the bottom is, “The Public”. That is so true.

As regulations proliferate, life gets better. How could it not? I never realized how little attention people paid to the things they do. Now as a regulation writer I notice these things and put them right. When asked how I come up with all my regulations, I tell them it’s because I care enough to keep my eyes open.

For instance, this past weekend I was watching an old black and white movie called Ma and Pa Kettle Back on the Farm. In one scene, Ma Kettle walks into the chicken pen and just starts tossing grain around willy nilly. It annoyed me how little thought she put into it. Very haphazard. Her indifference caused some of the grist to go completely through the wire mesh and drop useless on the ground outside. Some was ruined when it landed in the little water troughs ringing the coop. And not a small portion ended up on the backs of the chickens sending them running off in all directions pecking at each other. Her laughter at their antics grated on me. I felt this to be a carelessness that was begging to be addressed.

That led to me to create the regulations for Fowl Nourishment Distribution. I drew detailed illustrations of the correct right-handed and left-handed distribution methods. And explicitly outlawed the downward toss and the semi swirl method. The one Ma Kettle used. Equipment requirements included an irrometer for current soil conditions (both moisture and content), an anemometer for wind speed and direction, and a balloon borne Rawinsonde (to an altitude of not less than 1,500 feet). This was for monitoring real time meteorological data in case conditions changed during the feeding.

The final regulation required a Certificate of Competency along with a completed Current Feeding Conditions form. Both had to be in the feeder’s possession at all times. It also prohibited the feeding of fowl by anyone under the age of 18. Because of my boss’s belief in employee empowerment I was also able to assess the amount of the fine. I decided on $1,000 for the first infraction, $3,000 for the second and the third would mandate the confiscation of all farm animals including pets, livestock and minors under the age of 14.

I impressed my boss when I included details for property seizure and subsequent liquidations via public auctions. As my reward for such thoroughness I was sent to a rural area of the country to gain an expertise in regulation enforcement. I was accompanied by four armed agents and required to carry my “On the spot pad.”

When the public complains about government waste they should be shown this pad. It allows any properly deputized individual to write extemporaneous regulations. If you see something amiss when you are in the market or on a date you can take your pad out and instantly create a binding regulation. The perforated line ¾ the way down the form allows you to add your own fine amount, tear it off and hand it to the offender. Impressive efficiency.

It didn’t take long to spot an infraction. A woman, younger than Ma Kettle but just as reckless, was in the act of thoughtless grain distribution. The five of us approached and I explained to her how she had run afoul of government regulations regarding the feeding of chickens. She was both uncooperative and ungrateful. As I discussed the acceptable forms of payment, no personal checks but we were prepared to accept a credit card, a man hurried out of the farmhouse. When I informed him of our business here he angrily began explaining how a farm really works.

Frightened, one of the enforcement people put his hand on his sidearm and yelled, “Don’t listen!” But, it was too late. I had heard what he said and my job at the Farm Improvement and Protection Bureau was now ruined. Upon our return to the office I confessed to my boss what had happened. He put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Too much knowledge leads to a loss of objectivity. You should know that.” He asked me what I knew about medical procedures. When I told him nothing at all, he brightened and reassigned me to the department that oversees and regulates neurological surgery.

 

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Hillary Wears Pantsuit to Beaver Shot Showdown

Hillary Wears Pantsuit to Beaver Shot Showdown

Hillary was once again embarrassed by a Trump. But this time it was Melania. The gamey Mrs. Clinton accepted the challenge but was woefully unprepared to compete with the lovely Mrs. Trump who was dressed in a beautiful ensemble of a low cut, blue cashmere sweater over a knee length pleated white skirt.

Melania had been seated first in one of two metal folding chairs placed close to the edge of the stage with the jumbotron focused close up on her shapely legs. The crowd was clearly anticipating some warm up exercises but were quickly disappointed when Melania, keeping her knees tightly closed, affected a perfectly done look of feigned modesty by pressing her fingers against her lips and cooing. Continue Reading

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