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What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

With the Election mercifully only hours away, the three major candidates (and one cameo candidate) are done putting the final touches on their respective Frankenstein campaigns. Using an unholy combination of satanic ritual coupled with classified NSA technology that hasn’t been leaked just yet, GlossyNews is pleased to reveal what each candidate is doing right this moment.

Gary Johnson–Libertarian:

1) Imagining there is a zero behind his poll numbers.

2) Revisiting his debate points and pretending he actually rated debating.

3) Regretting deleting all his porn.

4) Listening to Kaleo–“Way Down We Go” while he slowly rocks back and forth.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton–Democrat:

1) Pondering how to gracefully never invite Beyonce and Jay Z to the White House. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Politics, Top Stories2 Comments

Hey Hey Donald Hey! (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ!)

Hey Hey Donald Hey! (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ!)

Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many casinos did you lose today?
Gonna file for bankruptcy and lose your dollars now, oh, boy!
Donald Trump has eager hands to grab another bargain,
She runs off and tells the mob that Donald Trump is lying!
Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many women did you lose today?
Gonna be a felon now and go to prison now, oh, boy!

Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Music, Top Stories0 Comments

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

The end of David Cameron’s tenure as Prime Minister was a hectic one to say the least. With the country practically imploding after Brexit, Cameron had to take the blame for the emerging crisis. But when Cameron started humming a tune after his resignation speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gz6mZYxS0A) it made matters more amusing, but also sent the internet and media into a craze of wild guesses: what was Cameron humming?

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Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

9/11 Problems (Video & Lyrics Together!)

9/11 Problems (Video & Lyrics Together!)

If you’re having Bush problems I feel bad for you son

I got 9/11 problems but a Clinton ain’t one!

Bush dirty rat drop bombs on Iraqi foes

Kill a million US soldiers cause he’s the boss ya know Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Music0 Comments

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.”

Additional leaked documents show that the European negotiators were “horrified” at the prospect of American pop bands entering the beloved Song Contest, with one French negotiator protesting that “American pop is even lower than kitsch and unworthy of Eurovision.”

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Posted in Music, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Empire Danger! High Bombers! (Song Parody: With Apologies to Electric Six!)

Empire Danger! High Bombers! (Song Parody: With Apologies to Electric Six!)

Firebombs in Baghdad!

Fire in the Middle East!

 

Firebombs in Damascus!

Fire rages from the horny beast!

 

Don’t you want to know how to set kids on fire?

It’s my desire, I’m a Tory liar! Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Noël Coward Parody: Don’t Let’s Be Beastly to Jihadists

Noël Coward Parody: Don’t Let’s Be Beastly to Jihadists

Noël Coward famously sang ‘Don’t Let’s be Beastly to the Germans!’ As always, the dour and humorless were not impressed.

Yeah, Daily Mail link… I know! How things change in a few decades! Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Bono: ‘Concert in Syria? Over My Dead Body, Lad!’

Bono: ‘Concert in Syria? Over My Dead Body, Lad!’

For some time now, people have been wondering whether Bono will be jetting off to Syria and Iraq, in order to single-handedly deliver the beleaguered citizens of these countries from the perils of war.

But he’s not having it!

C’mon lad! Just give us some bloody innovation, would ya? Not going to perform nothing in Syria, so I’m not.

Sure who cares about all this here about embattled autocratic leaders and beleaguered states struggling to find a common life amid the turmoil of age-old religious conflict? Sure if I wanted any of that there, I could just take a quick hike up North! Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Sunstormtroopin’ With Our Leader Captain Murdoch (To the Tune of “Starship Trooping”)

Sunstormtroopin’ With Our Leader Captain Murdoch (To the Tune of “Starship Trooping”)

Sunstormtroopin’ across the Shillaverse

Our dodgy media enterprise and glorious leader Captain Murdoch

Shitstormtroopin’ across the universe

At least we’re not the BBC, gotta helluh private purse!

 

Another immigrant report… Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Music0 Comments

Freddy Mercury “Entirely Unsuitable” for Benjamin Disraeli Biopic

Freddy Mercury “Entirely Unsuitable” for Benjamin Disraeli Biopic

The new Freddie Mercury biopic proceeds apace. Various news reports reminded us of how Sacha Baron Cohen will not be playing the role of Freddie Mercury in this film after all. It seems that Cohen’s vision of the film was that of an anarchic Swiftian livewire, but not everyone agreed with his approach. Classic example of ‘artistic differences.’

http://europe.newsweek.com/sacha-baron-cohen-opens-about-leaving-freddie-mercury-movie-435420?rm=eu

http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/leisure/showbiz/14335159.Sacha_Baron_Cohen_reveals_dispute_with_Queen_made_him_quit_playing_Freddie_Mercury_in_upcoming_biopic/ 

But Brian May has recently revealed that Freddie Mercury once found himself in a very similar situation for the previously little known Francis Ford Coppola biopic of Disraeli. The latter edgy arthouse flick, by now, is ignobly confined to late night History Channel re-runs and David Cameron’s ludicrously antiquated and irrelevant stash of Betamax Z-movies.

The director had high hopes for Freddie, but before long, tempers started fraying. Disraeli was known for his ‘top bants’ in Parliament, as is well enough known… Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Song Parody: Gimme Gimme Gimme Jihad After Midnight

Song Parody: Gimme Gimme Gimme Jihad After Midnight

Just past prayers
And I’m watching haram movies in my flat all alone
How I hate to make this Dua on my own
Howling winds
Blowing outside my bowels as I munch some shrooms
And it makes me really want to make a boom

My soul is nearly there
I grunt and offer up a prayer
I twitch my brow like Tony Blairrrrr!

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
End Satan’s reign of terror, begin the Caliphate’s day

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
I’m so sick of this oppression from the Jews and the gays Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Strange Things Happen When You Have a Rock Band With Dave Barry And Stephen King In It. Maybe A Little Too Strange……

Strange Things Happen When You Have a Rock Band With Dave Barry And Stephen King In It. Maybe A Little Too Strange……

It all started very normally. It was a usual, quiet evening with the Rock Bottom Remainders setting up their equipment for another gig.

OK, actually, the Rock Bottom Remainders are not really so very normal. Their roster is made up of all famous literary and artistic people like Dave Barry the humor writer, Stephen King the horror novelist, Amy Tan the fictionalist, Mitch Albom an author, Matt Groening the creator of the Simpsons and Ray Blount Jr. another humor writer. Together they equal fully half of the literary output of the entire United States with King supplying the entire creative output of the state of Maine. And, yes, this is a real group. And they really do go around and perform together. Honest!!! Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music0 Comments

Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (2/2)

Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (2/2)

Bono continues:

No. If someone is an artist, it has to come as a whole package. Please, please, please, I beg and implore on the utmost bended knees of my soul and the deepest quivering palms of my heart:

Don’t misguidedly and ignorantly logic-chop and be selective, and say ‘I like this bit but not that bit.’

Yes, how about we just all recognise in our minds and more crucially still, in our hearts and innermost tender marrow of our souls, the essential spiritual unity and cosmic oneness of creation and of every creative person?

I can say to you now and forever: Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (1/2)

Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (1/2)

Many music critics view Wagner’s music as problematic because of the composers’ anti-Semitic views. And yet, some argue that his classic works of opera are somehow separable from his hatred of Jewish people.

However, not everyone agrees that this is a reasonable view; or in some cases, even a reasonable question to ask!

So, we’ve asked a couple of real music experts (not some pathetic, pedantic, mainstream, dusty old music critics), to give their two (million) cents worth on this one.

Peter Gabriel

Anyone who says you have to “separate the man from the music” is a very, very dangerous person, to my mind.

I mean, don’t listen to these pedantic, upper-crust artistic celebrities and flamboyant, prima donna play-actors who are merely collaborating with the rich and powerful of this world, while pretending to speak up for the marginalised.

Well, guess what? They’re only in it for themselves. And deep down, they know it!

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race! Parody Tribute to Motorhead’s Lemmy

Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race! Parody Tribute to Motorhead’s Lemmy

Lemmy is already giving ’em hell down there! A true legend, and I really hope he would have liked this one.

Meme above sourced from: http://www.quickmeme.com/lemmy-1

If you are a hacker, and a freedom-loving man
Woman, child, poor, rich, all the same to me
The pleasure is to play, and punk the NSA
Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race!

Surfed another data flow, reached another level
Mainframe walls are gonna blow, it’s all a game to me,
Storm the gates of Heaven, Big Data is Watching You
I ain’t gonna quit, NSA ain’t got shit!
Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race! Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music0 Comments

Frank Turner Song Parody: Tony F***ed the Country!

Frank Turner Song Parody: Tony F***ed the Country!

Whatever happened to Britain?
It’s like we’re scared of phantom enemies to the point of bedpissin’
Even if the danger is minor
The press and gov scaremonger
With their endless agitprop bullshit!

Yo, bigot! Anyone who looks less white than you
Makes you wonder if they’re immigrants or Muslims or Jews
But I’m tired of the endless hatred
And yet the media hacks are always stirring shit! Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music0 Comments

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