Intense Negativity From Election Drama Create Huge Psychic Whirlwind In Atlantic

Intense Negativity From Election Drama Create Huge Psychic Whirlwind In Atlantic

The generated heat created by battle between the two rivaling political parties vying for the U.S. Presidency has unleashed unforeseen consequences.

The constant turbulence from partisan hatred, scandalous accusations, frictional debate and just plain pissedness has caused a massive psychic turbulence that has formed over Washington and moved out over the Atlantic Ocean where it has congealed into a monstrous whirlwind which threatens to be the Mother of all hurricanes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment5 Comments

‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ Creates Stress For Romney Campaigners

‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ Creates Stress For Romney Campaigners

There was great tension at the Republican Campaign Headquarters that morning as the worker bees entered their office in D.C. As with every campaign, unexpected situations come up.

“’He Who Shall Not Be Named’” wants to endorse Romney.” stated Mitch Couler to the group, his face drawn and pained from the trials of running a difficult campaign that was getting down to the wire.

“Oh my God, no!” Marianne burst out, she always being the first one to grasp the entirety of situations. “That’s all we need now! Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

I, Rfreed, Hereby Announce My Candidacy For Dictator Of The United States

I, Rfreed, Hereby Announce My Candidacy For Dictator Of The United States

I, rfreed, hereby announce my candidacy for Dictator of the United States of America. I realize that this is a little late in the campaign season to be announcing this, but dictators don’t worry about such things. We know that as dictators, we can manipulate things in our favor.

In this case I have wisely waited until the other two candidates have successfully eliminated all others in their party to be the front runner, then waited for them to spend most of their campaign money and exhausting each other in political battle before jumping in the fray myself. I also waited until the debates were over because they would have creamed my butt. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics10 Comments

Airports Taking Customers For More of a Ride Than Ever

Airports Taking Customers For More of a Ride Than Ever

Airports, seeking to get more money out of passengers exiting through their gates on international flights, have come up with inventive new ways of sucking the money out of their pockets.

RIGHT: This is not a video, but a photo… but you can go on and keep clicking it if you like.

Most airports have already come up with the ingenious method of taking away all possible drinkable liquids under the assumption that Al Queda has developed a potent bomb made out of liquid that looks, smells and tasted like tap water, thus leaving the parched departee having to drink out of bathroom toilets and to lick his own sweat to avoid passing out (please note that long flights cause dehydration, a fact the dirty birds are well aware of.) Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel3 Comments

The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF UZUPIS – In 1991 the people of Lithuania declared their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, declared their independence from Lithuania and got it, sort of.

Uzupis is a quiet part of town on the far side of the Vilnele River, east of the old town of Vilnius. It is a small district composed of a hill with the Vilnele wrapping around three of its bordering sides.

RIGHT: The editor responsible for placing this photo has no idea what it is or what it’s supposed to mean, so settled on “High Five for Uzupis!”(CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

For centuries it was the neglected part of town, lacking in simple amenities like running water.

It was often the home for prostitutes, squatters and other undesirables. During Soviet times artists started to move in and make it theirs. After the throwing off the Russians things continued to simmer in Uzupis until finally on April 1, 1997 (please note the other famous significance of this particular day- it is no coincidence) they declared themselves a free state.

A Constitution was drafted, their own flag created, a President and Cabinet elected, their own currency and anthem created and a standing army of 11 to 14 hardy souls enlisted (since disbanded, probably from lack of usage.)

The Constitution of Uzupis is unique in the congresses of the world as we know it. Some of its dictates are:

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not an obligation.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone shall remember their name.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to appreciate his importance.

Uzupis appears to be doing better than in its sewerless days. Today here are nice shops, banks and restaurants there. The constitution is proudly displayed on a street wall in multiple languages along with the open hand symbol that stands for Uzupis.

A statue of an egg as symbol for the town has now been replaced by a more formal angel trumpeting the creative freedom of Uzupis, the egg having been moved to another local.

Another popular statue, that of a mermaid perched on a shelf, took a swim during a flood one year, and, once recovered, was given a safer perch to attend.

The hand with a hole in it is the symbol for the town and also makes up the Uzupis flag. It stands for the philosophy that in Uzupis no one can take anything from anyone else because the item taken would fall though the hole in the hand. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel0 Comments

Iranian News Agency Goof: Thought Onion Spoof About Rednecks Liking Ahmajinadad was Real

Iranian News Agency Goof: Thought Onion Spoof About Rednecks Liking Ahmajinadad was Real

Note to readers, this article is an experiment in new software equipment that makes the material visible to the public reading audience as it is typed and being viewed by an editor.

It reflects an effort by the journalistic community to get the latest news and writings out to the reading community with as little delay and interference as possible. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes4 Comments

These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?

These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?

Let me see if I got this straight:

We have a national election going on.
Only two guys are really running in it.
Both are spending obscene amounts of money to campaign for it.
Mostly other people’s money.
Both are putting the other one down. Constantly.
Both are making promises they can’t keep.
Both have to kowtow to what the public wants.
Both have to go along with what their party wants.
Both have to devote the majority of their daily time to publicizing themselves for this election.
Both have to have lived lives virtually entirely bereft of scandal to have a chance at winning.
Both refuse to acknowledge the others good points. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Lewd, Lascivious Lawyer Legal Literature

Lewd, Lascivious Lawyer Legal Literature

A LEWD, LASCIVIOUS LOOK AT OUR LOCAL LAW LIBRARY.

They say that lawyers are a breed apart. In fact, we should wonder if they should really even be considered a part of the human species at all, especially as evidenced by a peek at these books found at our local campus law library:

Famous Humanistic Lawyers

A three page book; one of those being the title page and the other the Table of Contents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

Sofia Vergara Reveals Formerly Hidden Talents At The Emmy Awards

Sofia Vergara Reveals Formerly Hidden Talents At The Emmy Awards

The Emmy Awards got a huge ratings boost right in the middle of the program when Sofia Vergara’s already revealing dress ripped to expose even more luscious skin.

The curvaceous star was already noteworthy wearing a perhaps too-form fitting green Zuhair Murad dress that suddenly decided it could no longer restrict the bounties of Ms. Vergara’s nature and burst open to reveal some of her long withheld assets.

Men across the country, long dismissive of the Emmy’s as ‘women’s stuff’, suddenly experienced an intense interest in the television arts and tuned in hurriedly to partake of the star of Modern Family’s ‘art’.

The Emmy’s rating poll shot up 300 percent at 8:35 PM last night approximately 2 minutes after Ms. Vergara’s clothing malfunction as the Tweets went out in droves and caused barroom TV’s to rapidly switch from the football game to Sofia’s dire straits.

A large part of the uptick was believed to have been post adolescent young men tuning in to learn something about the female anatomy that still mystified them and knowing that Vergara would be the most excellent example to learn from.

Sofia’s fiancé Nick Loeb virtuously covered her back (side) as she shimmied off to get her gown fixer upper to cover her a— for her, much to the dismay of the half of the men in the audience who were not gay. “Here I thought we were going to have some really worthwhile material on television for a change!” stated David Letterman, who was then told to sit down and shut up by his wife.

Revealed in the disruption was a hitherto unknown bit of body art that Sofia had in the form of a cupid aiming an arrow at her innermost recesses. The imagination can only vaguely conjure what delights are still hidden therein.

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Posted in Television1 Comment

Third Party Candidates Experience the Shaft

Third Party Candidates Experience the Shaft

Forget the 2012 election. The path to it is already littered with debris.

The problem with our two party system is that it concentrates political power into two narrow, easily manipulated, easily controlled channels. And it pushes very worthy challengers from less powerful parties out of the picture.

This has dramatically happened now in two of our most recent elections. Twice in past few years we have had first rate candidates who had sterling records and excellent qualities pushed aside and ignored in the primaries. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary3 Comments

Who Is Really Behind The Mysterious Florida Post Office Crashes?

Who Is Really Behind The Mysterious Florida Post Office Crashes?

The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage- to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos (see Yahoo News).

There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to ‘old timers’ tapping the gas pedal instead of the brake.

Unbeknown to the Postal authorities there is an FBI scan that has tied the incidents to Florida Al Queda operatives who are dispatching suicide bombers to take out the facilities.

Unfortunately for them, their bomb parts were sent by mail from Saudi Arabia and didn’t arrive in time for their missions. The bombers were forced to hit their targets without their bombs, a move that probably lost them at least 40 of their 76 virgins in the after life.

A second possibility that Federal agents are investigating is that some of the crashers were actually laid off Postal workers going postal in a new way. They are taking a cue from Al Queda and attempting to try suicide explosives as a way of venting their grievances permanently.

Unfortunately they ordered their bomb parts with next day delivery by UPS and also came up empty handed when the parcels came in the day after their spectacle.

More new developments will be posted as they occur.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS WE ARE POSTING THAT HAVE OCCURRED IN ‘POSTAL CAR CRASHING EPIDEMIC’- Since the news has been leaked of the FBI findings that Al Queda is behind the Post Office crashings senior citizens out of boredom have been racing to Post Offices to see the fireworks and are themselves crashing into the facilities.

Authorities are recommending that the elderly stay at home, hide under their tables and do as they are told.

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

The NRA Experiments With Mexican Cartel Sales Tactics

The NRA Experiments With Mexican Cartel Sales Tactics

As Marcus Nowlberg walked down the sidewalk in his hometown of Suburbiaville, Colorado one August evening, little did he know that his life was about to about to change dramatically.

“Hey kid!” a creepy voice yelled out of the alley he was passing. “Wanna make some big money?”

“What’s up?” replied Marcus, a bit frightened. He couldn’t quite make out the middle aged man who called out to him from the darkness, but he could see that he was wearing a 50’s style fedora and a trench coat. “Oh nuts!” he thought, “Another pervert wanting to flash me!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime14 Comments

Bad News Guvna: Original ‘James Bond’ was American

Bad News Guvna: Original ‘James Bond’ was American

THE BIRTH OF BOND, JIMMIE BOND

Who was the first James Bond on film?

Sean Connery?

Yes, that is true if you go strictly by movie films. Could you believe that there was a television version of Ian Flemings Casino Royale that predated Connery’s first outing as Bond by eight years?

RIGHT: James Bond has stood the test of time, and even survived his transformation into a British icon. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, Television1 Comment

Bottled Water Making Its Way to Alaska- Like Taking Mountains to Mohammed

Bottled Water Making Its Way to Alaska- Like Taking Mountains to Mohammed

Bottled water- who could ever, outside of professional con men such as P.T. Barnum and Soapy Smith, would ever have thought that it would be possible to put water in a bottle and actually get someone to buy it, except, perhaps nomads crossing the Sahara (they, however, did not have bottles until recently and even those are bleached out ones that have floated across the Mediterranean from Spain.

They did have goat skin bags, but these tended to make the water taste gamey and therefore hard to sell). Continue Reading

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Posted in Health2 Comments

Liberals Demand Trump Produce Birth Certificate to Prove He’s Not a Space Alien

Liberals Demand Trump Produce Birth Certificate to Prove He’s Not a Space Alien

An independent group of concerned citizens is demanding that Donald Trump make his birth certificate public to prove that he is not really a space alien from another planet.

Concerns from the United Citizens Group For Raising A Fuss has been voicing doubts about the mega-billionaire, saying that Trump continually exhibits signs that he is not really from planet Earth.

The United Citizens Group For Raising A Fuss (which I am going to do us a favor and call the UCGFRAF from now on to save us all eyestrain) cites the non-human hair follicles that Mr. Trump sports on top of his head as proof, and suspect that this is the actual alien and that the rest of the body is just a humanoid mock-up to make him fit in better with the rest of us. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.

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Posted in Science3 Comments

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