Kim Jong Un Steps Out Swinging As New Spokesman For NRA

Kim Jong Un Steps Out Swinging As New Spokesman For NRA

In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head.

The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People0 Comments

The Dastardly Duty Of Dealing With Demented Dummies Sharing Dormitory/Domicile

The Dastardly Duty Of Dealing With Demented Dummies Sharing Dormitory/Domicile

There comes a time in everyone’s life when we must deal with that horrible reality of urban survival- having a roommate. Whether it be for economic, sexual, companionship or practical reasons, one often finds oneself having to share that space under ones roof with another human being, quite often one that you are not totally in tune with.

Dealing with this individual or individuals with which one must share his, her floor, shower, refrigerator, breathing space and lifestyle with can be trying. Mental and emotional survival techniques must be adapted to deal with this sharing of one’s space.

We here at Glossy News would like to offer this Guide to Dealing With Roommates with you readers which will have to get you by until someone realizes the big bucks to be made in this and writes a ‘Dummies Guide to Having Roommates’ book.

Also, check out a great assisted living facility in Tacoma, Washington.

Until then:

Food- to keep a roommate from pilfering your food, start keeping only tofu laced items in the fridge. This will deter all but the most vegan households.

Spike fruit such as bananas and apples with toothpicks inserted all the way in. One or two of these impaled on the tongue will keep your food safe for your own use (provided you remember before you eat them that he toothpicks are in there.)

Using a clear acrylic aerosol, spray the foremost cupcake in the bread box that Aunt Glenda sent you. One bite will prevent the pilfering roommate from trying any more.

To put an end to all night drinking binges carefully pry open the edge of all beer caps or put a pin hole in all beer cans and shake lightly until the fizz is gone in them. Fizz-less beer makes for short parties.

Your electronic shop has a cool device for modifying the common room TV to only receive the antiques channel after 10:00 PM, thus guaranteeing that you will not have to try to sleep through an all night horror movie commotion.

For TV sets one can also get a hidden switch installed into the cable inlet which allows you to change any obnoxious programming to only picking up Finnish news reports.

The same electronic store has a similar device that can pipe Lutheran choir music into any audio device proving to be too loud.

Fake, reusable dog hair sprinkled on your favorite sitting place will help to keep your more lethargic flatmates off your favorite seat or sofa.

To cover up your pothead roommates constant cannabis stink, salt their stash with fragrant herbs such as dried lavender, rose or geranium petals (which he/she will notice) or pizza scented incense (that he/she will not).

Have a hidden switch that instantly changes the hot water from the boiler to a tank of chilled water hidden behind the refrigerator for that roommate who takes overly long showers.

To avoid having to answer the door constantly for your slacker padmate, install his own personal chime and doorbell with a nameplate that says ‘Dude’ on it.

No matter how many roommates you have, set aside one room exclusively for: A- Sports related equipment for male living situations, B- Clothing and accessories for female dominated living situations. Reverse these categories if all roommates are gay.

Have a computer set up with a large digital reading that indicates when such necessities as toilet paper, napkins, beer and munchies are running low and suggest which store in the area is the best to buy them at.

For that old VW Bug your roomie has out rusting in the back yard, come winter let it be covered up by snow and rent it out as an igloo. Someone will come along who thinks it is cool.

An ethical question comes up with regards to the roommate who is constantly high. Should he only be charged half rent if he is only half there most of the time? The answer- charge him extra for parking space for his body.

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Posted in Society3 Comments

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire websites have been publishing a very popular conspiracy article concerning the NRA being behind the Boston Marathon bombing as a way to detour attention away from the gun limitation bills that had been going through Congress at the same time.

As is usually the case with such stories, many people tuning into the site take the article seriously and start believing that there really is something going on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Crime7 Comments

The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven

The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

Americans, sick of the kowtowing and cowardice of their elected officials in the face of NRA intimidation when voting to defeat even the most reasonable of gun control, have elected to force the Senators to use a small ‘s’ in front of their once proud title.

The effect of this new development has been surprisingly humiliating to the Senators…oops, excuse me- ‘senators’.

A visible upset senator James Grabcash, scion of a family well entrenched in the tobacco industry, was almost to the point of tears when interviewed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

The NRA, fresh from its victory of further controlling American laws by defeating all Congressional bills limiting access to guns of mass destruction, is now looking to further extend its power.

Successfully cowing and buying off Senators involved with the bills, the NRA now wants to expand the range of its control in the U.S.

Now that the future manufacture of assault rifles is secure the NRA must search for other venues to expand its grasp and other weapons of unsuspected mass destruction fit the bill. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Brilliant “Three Stooges” Gets Eye-Poked by the Oscars

Brilliant “Three Stooges” Gets Eye-Poked by the Oscars

It was an incredibly audacious act of snobbery that the truly classic Three Stooges movie got totally panned for any Oscar whatsoever at the most recent Academy Awards Ceremony.

To begin with, the Producer should have gotten an award for even thinking of the idea in the first place.

True genius- remaking the Three Stooges, the cultural inspiration and societal high point of many male adolescents growing up in the 30’s to the 60’s. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures1 Comment

The Ultimate Modern Humor Article

The Ultimate Modern Humor Article

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustively searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times.

With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science4 Comments

Shakespeare Behind Bars- The Untold Story

Shakespeare Behind Bars- The Untold Story

True historical information- A historical research group in Wales has unearthed evidence that one William Shakespeare, father of famous theatrical plays known throughout the world, was also a business cheat.

Click image to see the curious bard full-size.

Records have been found that show the author being dragged before a court for hoarding grain during a time of famine. Even more ironically, it occurred at the same time as the presentation of his work ‘Coriolanus’ which opens with a scene of a mob seeking to harm the lead character for holding back foodstuffs at a time when supplies were low. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc0 Comments

N,. Korean Missile Found to be Powered by Diet Pepsi, Mentos

N,. Korean Missile Found to be Powered by Diet Pepsi, Mentos

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Pepsi.

The missile shot sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card capable of anything.

Country leader Kim Il Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, War Zone0 Comments

Wayne LaPierre Ousted as NRA Pres for Being ‘Too Frenchy’

Wayne LaPierre Ousted as NRA Pres for Being ‘Too Frenchy’

Wayne LaPierre, outspoken mouthpiece of the NRA has been removed from his position of Vice-President due to a large number of powerful members of the organization being opposed to his having ‘too Frenchy’ a name.

John Howitzer, Montana rancher and Guinness Book Of World Records holder of the record for most hunting guns possessed (legendarily he is said to have enough firepower to eliminate every creature in the state larger than a breadbox five times over) vocalized his opinion over the matter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

A Return to Australian Animals from Hell

A Return to Australian Animals from Hell

This is the second in a series of two wonderful articles about horrible, vicious, dangerous, hideous, disgusting Australian animals that for some reason contain no mention of Rupert Murdoch.

(Note to reader, this article does not contain information about horrible, vicious Australians, although many consider them to be in the category of animals as well. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel1 Comment

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