Something Lewd And Disgusting Is Happening In Our Woods

There is a great and disgusting problem afoot and I would like to ask you, dear readers, to help me in the eradication of it. I would like to create a petition and get as many concerned Americans as possible to help me stamp it out.

It concerns an obscenity so horrible, so foul, so distinctly against the American way of life that I am shocked it has continued on for millenniums without anyone doing anything about it. Read more Something Lewd And Disgusting Is Happening In Our Woods

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Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union

Today union minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them.

Sitting outside the smoldering building the surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door along with their shoes when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded. Read more Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union

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Environmentalists Unite To Support Effing Fracking In California??? What The Frack?

A strange new development has occurred in the continued battle behind the oil industry and environmentalists over the use of fracking. Fracking, for those unfamiliar with the term, is the new art of pumping chemical laden water back into an underground fissure that has already had the oil removed from it.

The fracking forces existing fissures wider allowing companies to remove more oil. Unintentionally the chemical water used has often been showing up in drinking water afterwards. Not to mention that there have been mysterious earthquakes occurring up in places following the fracking where earthquakes have never been before.

The strange new development is that there are now some environmentalists who WANT fracking done in Central and Southern California. That’s correct, you have read that right- there are some ENVIRONMENTALISTS who WANT FRACKING done in CALIFORNIA (ie. THE LAND OF HIPPIES, LIBERALS AND ALL THINGS CONSIDERED UNGODLY AND COUNTER AMERICAN (except Ronald Reagan of course)).

That is the equivalent of Jesus Christ wanting strippers at the Last Supper. In fact, members of the Sierra Club itself are not only requesting, but demanding the fracking.

The strangeness of this demand from the most political of green organizations has prompted a number of private investigators into checking into the situation. Strange revelations resulted. Uncovered was a dastardly plot by the environmentalists to sell oil leases on land all along the San Andreas Fault line.

As investigators dug deeper they realized to their horror that the perpetrators wanted the fracking to cause an earthquake that would dump all of Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean. It turns out that the environmentalists, normally expressly against all forms of environmental pollution, realized that if they appeared to give in a little, they could appeal to the greed of the oil companies and in the process get rid of California’s biggest environmental disaster- the city of Los Angeles.

The sordid web went ever deeper. It was exposed that all of rural Central and Southern California was sick of the way LA was lording over them and buying up all their open land to gain water rights. They saw sending LA to the bottom of the sea as a plus element for California, giving it a watery resting place just like the legendary lands of Atlantis and Mu.

The investigators, astounded by their discoveries, nonetheless kept their information under wraps. As shocked as they were, they agreed that it was a case of justifiable sabotage and promptly began buying up land along where they estimated the new Pacific beachfront would be.

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There Is A Psychic Sickness That Runs Through the Denver Metro Area

This is NOT a funny article.

There is a strain of psychic illness prevalent in certain social stratas of the Denver area of the Colorado Front Range. It is a sickness that spreads tendrils like a cancer. It has been here for a long time, well before the Columbine disaster. Read more There Is A Psychic Sickness That Runs Through the Denver Metro Area

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Too Much Data? Google To Lease Storage Space In People’s Heads

Internet giant Google has come up with a solution to its data storage problems. The exponential growth in the use of the Internet has caused many of the top web site facilities to experience excruciating problems with where to put all the billions of bits of info that people the world over log into the web every minute of every day. Now Google has come up with a solution it believes is viable. Read more Too Much Data? Google To Lease Storage Space In People’s Heads

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Charlton Heston Returns From Grave To Protect Colorad Gun Rights Despite Batman Theater Shootings

The iconic movie matinee idol Charlton Heston has risen from the dead like a neo Jesus Christ to stick up for his National Rifle Association buddies after a gunman shot 70 people, killing 12 including children, at a midnight Batman movie premiere in the Denver area close to Columbine.

Rolling in his grave at the thought of another injustice to his beloved gun club he arose from the grave to make damn sure that didn’t happen. Just like he did after the Columbine High School shootings a short ways away from the Read more Charlton Heston Returns From Grave To Protect Colorad Gun Rights Despite Batman Theater Shootings

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Being Attacked By A Horde Of Blood Maddened Zombies Is Not Fun

Hello folks.
How are things going for you?
That’s good.
At the moment I am hold up in an abandoned farmhouse in the Midwest.
I have it boarded up and sealed off as much as possible.
I don’t do this normally.
It’s just that present conditions demand it.

(Crashing sounds coming from background) “Aaaaaarrrrhhhh! !!!!! Grrrr!!!!”

RIGHT: Image courtesy of PerplexingTimes.com… and yes, the blood is Photoshopped.

Excuse me a moment please. “DIE, CREATURE FROM HELL!!!!!! EAT THIS TIRE WRENCH!!!!!!!”

(Crunch! Smash! Hurt!) Read more Being Attacked By A Horde Of Blood Maddened Zombies Is Not Fun

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Jedi Masters Just Ain’t What They Used To Be

Sigh! Jedi Masters just ain’t what they used to be!

At one time they were of the caliber of Sir Alec Guiness, the original Obi-Wan Kenobi, a proven hero whose name had the extra fortification of being the same as a famous beer. But in today’s world (or should that be tomorrow’s world since it is science fiction- no, wait! These Star Wars films all happened “long, long ago in a galaxy for, far away”- make that yesterday’s world) their backgrounds are a bit murky. Read more Jedi Masters Just Ain’t What They Used To Be

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Ted Nugent Gets a Good Hunting Buddy in Killer Cannibal Luka Magnotta

Ted Nugent, the flaming redneck of rock and gun fame, who was most recently in the news for ‘suggesting’ that Obama and his Cabinet be beheaded, has found himself a new hunting buddy. “That damn (expletive deleted) Luka Magnotta (the Canadian porn star who tortured and killed his gay Chinese lover on camera, ate part of him, then mailed parts of his body to governmental offices)… Read more Ted Nugent Gets a Good Hunting Buddy in Killer Cannibal Luka Magnotta

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Barney Google (w/ them Goo-Goo-Googly Eyes) Sues Google Inc. for Copyrighted Infringement

Now forgotten comic legend Barney Google (the guy with the ‘Goo-goo-gooogley Eyes’ according to an old hit song) is suing website mega-giant Google for copyrighted name infringement. Barney claims that Google intentionally used his name to increase their visibility in the marketplace. Contacted for their reply to this accusation Google spokesperson Sharon Yahoo said “Who?” Read more Barney Google (w/ them Goo-Goo-Googly Eyes) Sues Google Inc. for Copyrighted Infringement

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Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West

NEWS OF THE FUTURE- April, 2018 — Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and Republicans, brewing in intensity for the last 50 years finally reached their zenith and prompted the great divide that split our once mighty land into two hostile parts. Read more Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West

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Heart Torn From Him While Living; Undead Won’t Rest Until Cheney Returns It

There are levels of Hell that even Dante did not know. (Image courtesy of outletradio.com)

Hells that are not bright and hot but with an icy cold that freezes thought itself.
Hells of place, of emotion, of mind, of other people.

And there are places on earth where these Hells break through to the surface and there manifest. Read more Heart Torn From Him While Living; Undead Won’t Rest Until Cheney Returns It

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Parker Bros Updates ‘Monopoly’ To Reflect Current Economics

Because of recent world economic changes, the Parker Brothers game company has announced that it is going to update its world famous game ‘Monopoly’ to better reflect the true financial times we live in.

The following changes will be made in the cards, the board and the general playing of the game. Read more Parker Bros Updates ‘Monopoly’ To Reflect Current Economics

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