A Note From The Editor- Due to current difficult economic situations and due to pressure from First Amendment Rights groups Glossy News must unfortunately include ads in our article runs. These ads do not necessarily reflect the opinions and thoughts of Glossy News or its publisher.
It could, however, reflect not only the opinions but also the half-brained philosophy of some of our writers, many of whom I personally know to be Godless Communists and flipped out weirdos. It is with extreme trepidation that the following ad is presented:
ISIS – The Answer To The Future You’ve Always Wanted!
(This is the real ISIS, the one that kills anyone and anything it wants, not one of those wimpy organizations with that stupid Egyptian symbol of a guy with a jackals head, the image of which, by the way, is outlawed by our sect.)
Are you f___ed up?
REALLY f___ed up?
Do you dream of a life like the heroic characters you play for 5 hours a day on computer games?
Do you want to create in real life the violence and mayhem you now commit only online?
Do you wish for the sort of bloodstained world depicted by your favorite hard rock and punk groups?
Do you want to really get even with your parents?
Then here is the answer for you!!!!
Join ISIS – the hottest new trend in the Middle-east.
You don’t necessarily need to be a Muslim (although it would be very wise to become one as quickly as possible for your continued good health) to join. We believe that everyone can be clay in our hands to mold into fanatic killers for Allah, even the most infidel Jehovah’s Witness.
Do you want to be cool? REALLY cool?
What could be cooler than having absolutely no tolerance for anyone or anything different than you are AND BEING ABLE TO KILL THEM FOR IT!!!!!!!! No other organizations can offer you that! (Don’t listen to those recruiters from Al Queda- they are a bunch of old fogie wussies compared to us.)
Imagine being able to walk into any town in the Middle-East with YOUR VERY OWN KALASHNIKOV in your hands and gain that respect from people that you’ve always thought you deserved. Picture everyone cowering in fear at the sight of you and being able to shoot them, rape them or take anything from them WITHOUT IMPUNITY!!!!!!! You can even kill other Muslims! Everything is OK with our version of Allah! Our Allah gives a two thumbs up to anything we do! (Except in the case of your not obeying any orders we may give you. Or backing out when the going gets heavy. Remember that!)
Imagine the “oohs” and “aahs” that your friends will exclaim when they see your posted photos on Facebook when you are dressed in your traditional djerba, beard and kerchief holding your rifle in your hand. Picture their jealousy as your own personal body count climbs and you become a true warrior defending the freedom of Sharia Law to take away everybody else’s freedom.
We provide the training.
We provide the clothing.
We provide the jihad suicide video that you can send to all your relatives.
And, best of all, we provide the religion and the Koran and the explanations as to why you can commit all sorts of atrocities and yet still be all right with God!
And that is not all!!!
Sign up today and get these extras:
A beat up stolen Toyota pickup to use for practice bombing runs!
A manual on how to build roadside bombs!
Six extra free hand grenades!
A photo book of Islam female virgins ages three to ninety who are waiting for you in Paradise to take as part of your rewards for being an obedient jihadist!
SIGN UP NOW!
You could be dead tomorrow from something stupid like a car accident or drug overdose instead of a glorious warriors death after having blown up a crowd of people who have nothing to do with you and are minding their own business.
Come join the group that is changing the face of the Arabic lands by blowing it to bits!
Bring along whatever screwed up friends you have that want to join too!
You don’t have to be smart to enlist!
Disclaimer: Jews, children under the age of four, and people who faint at the sight of lots of blood need not apply.
Love, ISIS (copyright 2013)
(Legal Note: ISIS is a copyrighted name and can no longer be used by any other organization, business or infidel under threat of beheading with a rusty knife.)