Posted in Science & Technologizzy

NASA Workers Reveal Demands

It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had…

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Posted in Politics

Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote

Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him. On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’…

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Posted in Health

Obamacare to Include Mood Ring Mandate?

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to…

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Posted in Biz News

News: Upscale Suburban Hillbilly Sells House

“Whole thing came as a shock really” said Clyde Dreyfuss this week, standing in the front yard of his fake Victorian cottage next to the ‘Sold’ sign. Why reporters converged on the usually placid subdivision just south of Memphis, TN…

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Posted in Politics

Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time. We…

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Posted in Religionism War Zone

Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces. “Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full…

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Posted in Society

Census Results Say ‘Those People’ Now a Majority

The 2010 Census results continue to be compiled by the world’s leading demographers and statisticians. Aiding in the research is the latest advance in super computer technology, developed in a joint effort between NASA and IBM. Considered a quantum leap…

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Posted in Politics

Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic

People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown. Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to…

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Posted in Religionism

Evangelicals Target Home Depot’s Despotism

To casual observers Kathy Klavan might seem just another middle class homemaker raising her children in this Atlanta suburb, but her heart burns with a defining passion. She wants Home Depot punished for its efforts to destroy America. “Yeah, Calvin…

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Posted in Human Interest

New Evidence Casts Doubt on ‘Official’ 9-11 Report

In short, digital enhancement of what was once thought to be video of an innocent family outing on a fateful day in American history now suggests the truth of 9-11 has long been packaged in a tissue of lies. At…

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Posted in Biz News

Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens…

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Posted in Human Interest

Student Exposes WW2 Vet as Faker

What began as a school project has brought scandal to a formerly beloved citizen of this quiet Ohio town. Mayfield High School students in Ms. Lander’s AP History class were assigned to interview local war veterans. Young Hillary Pierce chose…

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Posted in Science Top Stories

NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’ “Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When…

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Posted in Religionism

Micro-Religions Gain Market Share to Chagrin of Mega-Churches

This year’s Nielsen Prayer Ratings, considered an important indicator of sociological trends, put numbers to anticipated demographic shifts, yet contained surprises too. While “Please don’t let her be pregnant” prayers showed expected growth among males 18-25, the 2011 NPR garnered…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Rumsfeld Book Tour: Rocky Start

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was often the center of controversy during decades of public service. It appears that tradition will continue in his new career as author. Rumsfeld’s recently released 800 page memoir “Known and Unknown” has set the…

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Posted in Human Interest

Cockfighting Bill Nears Passage

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. First we want to remind you. Glossy News told you President Obama would ease travel restrictions to Cuba so it can become a new Spring break destination for hordes of…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Crazy Woman Buys AOL for Fair Market Value: Negative $315 Million

It’s already being called the deal of the century, and there are still eighty-nine years to go. Liberal news aggregator and alleged Gabor sister Arianna Huffington now owns AOL. Media watchers are at a loss to explain what happened or…

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Posted in World News

Mid-West Unrest Erupts

Authorities have now surrendered hope that blizzard conditions would dissuade the tens of thousands now holding candle light vigils in Cleveland, Ohio. The protesters stand defiant in the face of wind chill factors that would make a polar bear cuss…

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Posted in Politics

Hillary Presidential Hopes Fading

Grand Rapids, MI native Hillary Pierce was shocked this week to learn CNN thinks her senior class presidency bid is doomed. According to lunch room witnesses, seventeen-year old Hillary was inconsolable and left early, missing her AP Chemistry class. At…

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Posted in War Zone

Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals. “My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over…

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Posted in Biz News

Cairo Chaos Bad for Business

Egypt has long been considered the least interesting of Middle East nations. Although respected as the originator of massively silly public works projects, its modern political system has been as constant as the Sphinx. All that changed this week as…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Television

Conservatives Protest Olbermann Departure

Isaac Newton once observed, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” The truth of that is seldom seen more clearly than in the rough and tumble of American politics. And so it was this week as Tea…

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Posted in Science

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

Psycho-zoology has long been considered a low-glamour science. While botanists and biologists regularly grab headlines with new discoveries, psycho-zoologists labor in obscurity. Experts have always believed there aren’t any new ‘burnt cookie’ species to be identified, due to the thorough…

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Posted in Human Interest

GOP Blasts Don’t Ask/Tell Compromise as Sub-Fabulous

On this snowy day in our nation’s Capitol, one can feel the power of hope overtaking all vestiges of cynicism. This lame duck Congress seems to this reporter’s eyes, to be driven by a spirit of bipartisanship seldom seen in…

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Posted in Politics

Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen

Haley Barbour this week catapulted past other GOP Presidential hopefuls, a feat considered all the more amazing by leading physicists since Barbour weighs about 350 pounds. As battle lines form for the 2012 nominating process, consensus among political veterans is…

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