Posted in Religionism War Zone

Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces. “Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole
Posted in Society

Census Results Say ‘Those People’ Now a Majority

The 2010 Census results continue to be compiled by the world’s leading demographers and statisticians. Aiding in the research is the latest advance in super computer technology, developed in a joint effort between NASA and IBM. Considered a quantum leap…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Census Results Say ‘Those People’ Now a Majority
Posted in Politics

Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic

People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown. Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic
Posted in Religionism

Evangelicals Target Home Depot’s Despotism

To casual observers Kathy Klavan might seem just another middle class homemaker raising her children in this Atlanta suburb, but her heart burns with a defining passion. She wants Home Depot punished for its efforts to destroy America. “Yeah, Calvin…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Evangelicals Target Home Depot’s Despotism
Posted in Human Interest

New Evidence Casts Doubt on ‘Official’ 9-11 Report

In short, digital enhancement of what was once thought to be video of an innocent family outing on a fateful day in American history now suggests the truth of 9-11 has long been packaged in a tissue of lies. At…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Evidence Casts Doubt on ‘Official’ 9-11 Report
Posted in Biz News

Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot
Posted in Human Interest

Student Exposes WW2 Vet as Faker

What began as a school project has brought scandal to a formerly beloved citizen of this quiet Ohio town. Mayfield High School students in Ms. Lander’s AP History class were assigned to interview local war veterans. Young Hillary Pierce chose…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Student Exposes WW2 Vet as Faker
Posted in Science Top Stories

NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’ “Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal
Posted in Religionism

Micro-Religions Gain Market Share to Chagrin of Mega-Churches

This year’s Nielsen Prayer Ratings, considered an important indicator of sociological trends, put numbers to anticipated demographic shifts, yet contained surprises too. While “Please don’t let her be pregnant” prayers showed expected growth among males 18-25, the 2011 NPR garnered…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Micro-Religions Gain Market Share to Chagrin of Mega-Churches
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Rumsfeld Book Tour: Rocky Start

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was often the center of controversy during decades of public service. It appears that tradition will continue in his new career as author. Rumsfeld’s recently released 800 page memoir “Known and Unknown” has set the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Rumsfeld Book Tour: Rocky Start
Posted in Human Interest

Cockfighting Bill Nears Passage

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. First we want to remind you. Glossy News told you President Obama would ease travel restrictions to Cuba so it can become a new Spring break destination for hordes of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Cockfighting Bill Nears Passage
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Crazy Woman Buys AOL for Fair Market Value: Negative $315 Million

It’s already being called the deal of the century, and there are still eighty-nine years to go. Liberal news aggregator and alleged Gabor sister Arianna Huffington now owns AOL. Media watchers are at a loss to explain what happened or…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crazy Woman Buys AOL for Fair Market Value: Negative $315 Million
Posted in World News

Mid-West Unrest Erupts

Authorities have now surrendered hope that blizzard conditions would dissuade the tens of thousands now holding candle light vigils in Cleveland, Ohio. The protesters stand defiant in the face of wind chill factors that would make a polar bear cuss…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Mid-West Unrest Erupts
Posted in Politics

Hillary Presidential Hopes Fading

Grand Rapids, MI native Hillary Pierce was shocked this week to learn CNN thinks her senior class presidency bid is doomed. According to lunch room witnesses, seventeen-year old Hillary was inconsolable and left early, missing her AP Chemistry class. At…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Hillary Presidential Hopes Fading
Posted in War Zone

Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals. “My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism
Posted in Biz News

Cairo Chaos Bad for Business

Egypt has long been considered the least interesting of Middle East nations. Although respected as the originator of massively silly public works projects, its modern political system has been as constant as the Sphinx. All that changed this week as…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Cairo Chaos Bad for Business
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Television

Conservatives Protest Olbermann Departure

Isaac Newton once observed, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” The truth of that is seldom seen more clearly than in the rough and tumble of American politics. And so it was this week as Tea…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Conservatives Protest Olbermann Departure
Posted in Science

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

Psycho-zoology has long been considered a low-glamour science. While botanists and biologists regularly grab headlines with new discoveries, psycho-zoologists labor in obscurity. Experts have always believed there aren’t any new ‘burnt cookie’ species to be identified, due to the thorough…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Species of Lunatic Discovered
Posted in Human Interest

GOP Blasts Don’t Ask/Tell Compromise as Sub-Fabulous

On this snowy day in our nation’s Capitol, one can feel the power of hope overtaking all vestiges of cynicism. This lame duck Congress seems to this reporter’s eyes, to be driven by a spirit of bipartisanship seldom seen in…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Blasts Don’t Ask/Tell Compromise as Sub-Fabulous
Posted in Politics

Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen

Haley Barbour this week catapulted past other GOP Presidential hopefuls, a feat considered all the more amazing by leading physicists since Barbour weighs about 350 pounds. As battle lines form for the 2012 nominating process, consensus among political veterans is…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen
Posted in Talky Pictures

Critic Pans ‘True Grit’, Deported for Failure to Show Long-Form Birth Certificate

This normally quiet Midwestern town has been shaken to its foundation in recent days, due to the shocking news of a traitor at work among its peaceful, tree lined streets. At issue is Ms. Wanda Carlson’s latest writing in the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Critic Pans ‘True Grit’, Deported for Failure to Show Long-Form Birth Certificate
Posted in Politics

Earmarks Replaced by Posthumous Pardons; Many Dead Delighted

“It was going to be a discontented winter, but now it looks like glorious summer” said incoming Congressman Richard Plantagenet on the new GOP voter outreach plan. Speaking from his house in York, PA this week, the Tea Party favorite…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Earmarks Replaced by Posthumous Pardons; Many Dead Delighted
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Media Boycotts Year in Review Stories, “It wasn’t that memorable a year”

In a rare show of solidarity, all news outlets have agreed to cancel ‘Year in Review’ retrospectives for 2010. The late December fluff pieces have long been a staple of American journalism, due in large part to the low skill…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Media Boycotts Year in Review Stories, “It wasn’t that memorable a year”
Posted in Human Interest

Jailed Chinese Dissident on Nobel Prize: Thanx F-ing Loads

The Western world was excited this week at news the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to imprisoned Chinese democracy advocate Xi Liang Jing. Media watchers are in consensus on the surprising development. If not for the unfortunately timed…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jailed Chinese Dissident on Nobel Prize: Thanx F-ing Loads
Posted in Crime Politics

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards. The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus Bongs are a Hit This Christmas

In this era of economic uncertainty, it’s easy to forget that millionaire child traffickers have it rough sometimes too. So the struggles of Miley Cyrus, Inc. have been a sadly ignored story, supplanted in the news by stuff about families…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Miley Cyrus Bongs are a Hit This Christmas
Posted in Politics Top Stories

DREAM Act may signal Acronym Deficit

Washington DC is filled with unelected bureaucrats who wield powerful influence behind the scenes, far away from cameras. Glossy News sat down this week with one such powerful, unelected face, retiring Senate Marketing Liaison Bob Barnum. The garrulous, gregarious Barnum…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! DREAM Act may signal Acronym Deficit
Posted in Top Stories World News

New Wikileaks Revelations are Worst Yet

It now appears to observers that Wikileaks is a powerful and permanent force in world affairs. The apprehension of founder Julian Asshinge has become a call to arms for hundreds of anonymous kindred spirits. The bell has tolled on the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Wikileaks Revelations are Worst Yet
Posted in Biz News Human Interest

Thanksgiving Over; Needy Back in Storage

Preliminary reports say this year’s Project ISFC exceeded all expectations. Project I’m So Freaking Compassionate, begun several years ago in Southern California, has now expanded to most of the United States. This year, Thanksgiving meals were served cafeteria fashion to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Thanksgiving Over; Needy Back in Storage
Posted in Technology War Zone

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

It began with video from a California news helicopter. A rapidly ascending object is seen leaving a con trail against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset, several miles offshore. Rampant speculation followed, amid Pentagon denials of any ‘Area 51’ type…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn