Just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, few outside the cast of History Channel’s popular ‘Ancient Aliens’ program foresaw this week’s developments. Much to the surprise of the Muslim brotherhood, it appears Osiris, Isis, Horus, Anubis, and a host of lesser ancient deities are in fact real. It appears that way because they appeared, in Tahrir Square in conjunction with the lunar perigee. Sources close to the story say it came as quite a shock, especially to the Jihad community.
The gods simultaneously commandeered all broadcasting sources, sending their message to an estimated 300,000 televisions in this nation of 87 million. Apparently chosen by unanimous consent, a god with the head of a crocodile and body of a giraffe spoke for the invading deities. While experts think the television feat was accomplished via some powerful electromagnetic pulse wave, no one has yet explained how the gods’ message was heard by all listeners in all languages.
“Hello to all our Egyptian children. Pronouncing my name correctly would sound like a camel coughing up an ibis and give you a sore throat for days, so you can call me Bob. Look here, we’ve returned at no small personal inconvenience because this thing has gotten out of hand. Dig me; I don’t even have hands, right? Even I know it’s out of hand.”
According to Bob and fellow gods, Islam is an admirable faith system in its way, but human sacrifice is in bad taste. The ancient deities have returned with a willingness to do “whatever it takes” until Egypt is fully restored to former greatness.
“No more suicide bombing is where we start,” said Bob. “First, the underworld isn’t even organized like that. You can’t have 72 exclusive virgins for every fool who blows himself up as a human sacrifice. Everybody would have to share somewhat, so where’s that leave you on the virgin thing, am I right? Of course I’m right, I’m a god! You’re a great Mediterranean culture for my sake! Mediterranean people don’t do human sacrifice. That’s like something those filthy Mayans would think up.”
Oddly, Mayan culture seems to figure prominently in the return of the Egyptian gods. “Oh yeah, end of the world in 2012. Have you seen their pyramids? Babylonians could build better pyramids. The world isn’t going to end this year. But your debit cards could stop working any time we say. I’ll let you get back to ‘Dancing with the Stars’ now. You remember what I said children.”