Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks.

The college has long been regarded a safe place to park erratic children of powerful northeastern families. Flaverhaven counts several Bushes and Kennedys among its alumni.

Aside from sterling academic credentials, the best thing about Flaverhaven (nestled quietly among the towering Adirondacks) has always been its obscurity and non-controversy. All that may have changed now, owing to the riot following graduation ceremonies.

Due to Mr. Vidal’s untimely passing, and scheduling conflicts of the ever popular Betty White, Flaverhaven chose seminal Beat poet Shaughnessy McCourt as commencement speaker. A historic figure in his own right, Mr. McCourt counts among his many achievements having been Grateful Dead’s original drummer and the only Caucasian founding member of the Black Panthers.

In literary circles, McCourt is considered a full equal with better known Beat luminaries such as William Burroughs or Jack Kerouac. Post-riot, all members of the Flaverhaven College commencement committee admit they’d never actually read any of Mr. McCourt’s writing. In retrospect, that may be the heart of the problem that ensued on a soft summer day amid the towering Adirondacks.

Glossy News has obtained a transcript of Mr. McCourt’s commencement remarks.

“Hello pisswads! Hello to all their worthless parents and well wishers. So today you are graduating from a college that cost maybe $150K. Well, what do you know how to do? Do you know how to do any F-ing thing except think you’re the coolest thing on Earth? You probably already thought that at eighteen, so congratulations! None of you know how to lay brick, grow vegetables or even basic real world business accounting.

You can’t even fix a leaky faucet. You’ve spent the past four years having all your worst notions of the world reinforced at a hefty price. And now I am called here to lend appropriate remarks to your glorious pisswad achievement. You should all kill yourselves immediately. That’s my best advice.”

Reached for comment this week, Mr. McCourt said that’s the coolest riot he’s ever attended.

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