Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to three successive generations of Mayfielders.

The controversy has shaken this community’s confidence. School officials have announced counseling services will be available for students.

Locals are reticent in speaking to outsiders, but some admit to feeling violated. Sue Eubanks, proprietor of Sue’s Hues Paint & Wallpaper, perhaps captured best the close-knit town’s malaise.

“It’s bad enough, this thing with Miss A, but now all you media vultures show up. I know it’s a bullying story, and you people have to make a living too. God only knows how you sleep at night.”

Being minors, the four children involved in the bullying scandal have not been named. It’s said they are basically good kids from good families. Their parents aren’t Democrats or anything like that. Mayfielders seem to agree the boys got swept up in the moment and collectively acted against their better natures. School officials are credited for acting swiftly once the matter came to light.

It appears events began the swift downward spiral to inevitable sadness with the widely publicized bullying of School Bus Lady Karen Klein. Former Lunch Lady Agnes says that’s when she knew she had to act. “Yeah, I saw where people had donated like $600,000 to her and I figured, what am I, chopped liver? I wanted some money too, is that so wrong really?”

While the School board thought it really wrong, Miss A’s chief frustration takes a different path. “Can I help it if all the kids like me? Three hundred kids and not one single little rat bastard. Can you imagine how annoying that is? I even tried flicking macaroni casserole on their school uniforms, but nothing! So I decided to recruit bullies. Is that so bad?”

Although the School board unanimously felt that was pretty bad, they mostly objected to Miss A’s bully training sessions, captured on the students’ cell phones. “Yeah, it was harsh” said School board member Al Gunderson. “She was cussing them pretty good, and slapping them around some too. Watching it, I felt like back at Parris Island in 1981. Now would you please tell Geraldo to get out of my yard?”

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