Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences.
That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered what is being called the mother of all loopholes. At issue before the Supreme Court’s precedent shattering emergency session is whether Ford is a faith based organization.
“Yeah, I never thought about it until that Georgetown birth control thing” said Henry Edsel Ford III. “But Great-Grandfather was a Christian Scientist; we’ve a fairly solid paper trail on that. Sure, he was also a virulent anti-Semite who believed mental illness was caused by lack of dietary fiber and masturbation. That’s not important.
He was a Christian Scientist and he started Ford Motors. Therefore, we’re a faith based organization.”
As with many jurisprudence concepts seemingly developed in padded cells, the Ford move has excited the legal profession. Harvard professor Alan Dershowitz said, “There’s no doubt the case has standing. It’s well documented Henry Ford regularly foisted Christian Scientist pamphlets on his employees. Therefore it can be argued Ford Motors was founded for the purpose of advancing that philosophy, so they shouldn’t be required to provide insurance in conflict with Christian Science.”
Ford attorneys have claimed exemption under provisions of the Affordable Healthcare Act, and propose an orderly return to Henry Ford’s original intent. Since Christian Scientists believe all illness can be cured by prayer and meditation, Ford will no longer cover any treatments not based in prayer and meditation. Diagnostic tests will still be compensated, in order to help Ford employees be specific in all heavenly supplications and meditations.
“I really didn’t expect all this folderol with the case getting fast tracked to the Supreme Court” said Ford Executive Chairman Henry Fairlane Ford, Jr. “Some people will say this is a shrewd corporation exploiting poorly written legislation in order to gut its insurance liabilities. It’s not really like that though. Long ago, an anti-Semite crackpot had a dream that he could make cars affordable for all people, and his employees would enjoy the blessings of Christian Science.”
Supreme Court watchers are on pins and needles (acupuncture and hypodermics not covered in the new Ford insurance program) as the special emergency session draws near.