Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long Island Medium.” Apparently, two departed entities have chosen Ms. Caputo as spokesperson for their heated argument.

Famed naturalist Charles Darwin went to his grave in 1882. Lindsay Doyle shuffled off this mortal coil exactly 130 years later due to an unfortunate train/pedestrian interaction. Parapsychologists believe coincidental death date is likely why the two spirits are drawn to each other. Why they only talk through the ‘Long Island Medium’ remains a matter of speculation.

According to Ms. Caputo, it all happened suddenly one afternoon at the nail salon. “Yeah; it was freaking weird all right. I was standing in the doorway and I felt all dizzy. I figured it was the nail polish; that stuff does have a whang to it. And I guess I blacked out for a minute. When I got reoriented, I heard these people having an argument, and realized the voices were coming from me.”

Since that fateful day the otherworldly acrimony has resurfaced regularly, but on no particular schedule. Although other subjects are touched on briefly, the recurring topic seems to be Ms. Doyle’s place in the evolutionary scheme of things, given that unfortunate train/pedestrian interaction. Transcripts of the double possession vary in details, but stay remarkably true to general themes.

“You’re a perfect example of an evolutionary dead end. You couldn’t adapt, so you’re dead.”

“You over-rated little tin god. Keep your cobweb covered theories off of me? I have 135 IQ. I was Summa Cum Laude at Wharton, all right? I was an accident victim. You got a lot of damned nerve calling me an evolutionary dead end!”

“Of course you’re intelligent Lindsay, after a fashion. But one must admit? It isn’t like locomotives lie in ambush waiting for humans to happen along. Ability to focus intently, to the exclusion of all other stimuli was once a favorable trait. But that trait’s glory days are passing. You focused intently as you walked straight into a large, noisy, well lit object.”

The drama without a comma will likely continue. Ms. Caputo has signed for Darwin & Doyle as FOX News contributors, and they may soon have their own radio show too.

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