Month: May 2013
Taco Bell Elects to Take USDA Meat Test Pass/Fail
IRVINE, CALIF — Taco Bell announced in a statement last week that they have elected to take this year’s USDA meat test on a pass/fail basis, rather than risking another poor performance on the agency’s traditional grading scale. According to…
How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)
It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh? Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even…
Norm Abram Goes on Mass Sawing Spree, 11 People Left With Sheds
CARLISLE, MASS — Celebrity Carpenter and Former Host of PBS’s long-running “New Yankee Workshop” series Norm Abram allegedly went on a mass sawing spree late last night, leaving 11 people with beautiful, finely-built sheds, sources report. Experts claim that all…
Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos
Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market. Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all…
Extreme Couponing… It’s called Shoplifting (comic)
If you’ve ever wondered the best way to squeeze a few nickels out of your local retailer, there’s no better way than shoplifting. Sure you might go to jail over a $1.87 sample size of Jergins, but usually you’ll just…
“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual
In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual. For much of…
Boy Scouts Allow Gays, Ban Hetero Troop Leaders
IRVING, TEXAS — In a surprise move yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America announced plans not only to accept homosexual troop leaders, but furthermore to ban heterosexuals from all leadership positions. RIGHT: Founding Scout Master Freddy “Flip” Antouchyerson. (CLICK TO…
Why was the boxer so funny? (comic)
Kids love to tell jokes in only two varieties; dumb and inappropriate. The one sadly falls into the “dumb” category, but hopefully redeems itself in the fourth act. This is a fine example of why we shouldn’t leave jokes to…
McDonald’s Launches Healthy Go-Eat-Elsewhere Option
Responding to ongoing criticism of its nutritional practices, fast food giant McDonald’s today announced its new healthy go-and-eat-somewhere-else option. From December 1st, select McDonald’s chains across the country will be offering several all-new disclaimers on its menu, including “you might…
Ann Coulter cuts out Latino’s heart, eats it
Conservative pundit Ann Coulter surprised viewers on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show when she carved into the body of a Latino immigrant and pulled out a heart. “I swear to God we will eat your hearts out, you Mexican illegals….